We lost our dad in 2023. That’s obviously the biggest, most impactful thing that happened. I think I’m still processing it. I feel like I haven’t even really started to grieve.
I miss him but I’m not sure it’s really hit me that he’s truly gone.; that he died. He's dead.
I was there when he died. My siblings, nieces and nephews and I were all with him in those last days. He entered the hospital on a Tuesday and died just after 3:30am on a cold March Saturday. We took turns spending the night with him in the hospital. My brother was amazing during those days. He stayed Tuesday and Thursday nights. My niece stayed Wednesday night.
Dad rallied so much on Wednesday that the medical professionals were planning to move him to a nursing home on Thursday but on Thursday morning, he took another turn for the worse and he stayed in the hospital.
My nephews, 15 and 13, wanted to stay at the hospital on Friday night. Honestly, I didn’t want them there. It was going to be just me and them and my dad and I didn’t really have the bandwidth to be responsible for them. But I also didn’t have the heart to tell them or their parents that they couldn’t stay.
So they stayed. But I was a ‘mean’ aunt and told them they had to be off their computers (they were gaming more than anything) by 11 that night. I just said that Dad needed quiet.
Amazingly, I didn’t even have to tell the boys to shut it all down at 11. They just did it and quietly went to sleep.
The lights were low and I dozed in the chair near my dad’s bed. I checked on him every half hour or so because I guess that’s what one does when one is on death watch.
Over his last days in the hospital, I was the one who went to the nurses and let them know when Dad was in pain. I so desperately wanted to be sure he wasn’t hurting. He’d spent a lot of his life in pain and I wanted the end to be as comfortable as possible. He was so frail, so thin. I just wanted to make sure he knew he was safe, that we loved him and would miss him but also that we’d be okay, that it was okay for him to let go and be at peace. He was the last of his ten siblings. Both of his parents had been gone for over 50 years. I know that while he loved us very much he was also very lonely in the last few years of his life.
I…I wish I’d been a better daughter. I wish I’d been kinder and more generous with my time. I wish I’d been more patient and less frustrated with perceived inconveniences. I wish I’d taken the time when he was lucid to let him know how much he meant to me, how much he impacted the person I’ve become.
So many wishes and now he’s gone.I believe in heaven. I believe our soul, our essence, the thing that makes us who we are goes on, becomes more or…something. I don’t believe that death is just the end. I’ve felt my dad around me in the months since he died. So…there’s that.
The nurses were so kind. They responded to my requests so quickly and never acted like I was bothering them.
I know this is their job but…I’m grateful for their patience and kindness.
I think I planned to say more but this is all I've got on this last day of 2023.
Happy New Year indeed.
