Something a Little Heavy

I'm learning to be an advocate. It's a tough road for me because I want to do this right.

Alyssa has a girlfriend.

This girl is lovely and kind and she makes Lyss happy. That's all I can ask of anyone. Alyssa seems to make N happy too so there's that.

At first, my mom was VERY resistant to the idea of Alyssa having a girlfriend. She just couldn't see how it was possible.

I told her (my mom) in no uncertain terms that we are supporting Alyssa, that we love her and she has given us NO REASON whatsoever to stop loving her. She's an amazing, smart, loving, talented girl who has caught the attention of another amazing, loving, smart, talented girl and together they are adorable. There is nothing for us to 'fix' or fret about.

My mom has come around, by the way. She realized she was being horrible for a quick minute and got herself together.

I have an aunt whom I love very much. She and her son lived with my mom and my and my brothers for several years after my mom and dad divorced and my aunt and her husband divorced.

This aunt is very loving and also VERY OPINIONATED.

She recently declared that all gay and lesbian people are perverts. Why does she feel this way? Because, according to my aunt, when she was a child, a lesbian couple lived next door to where she lived with her mom and siblings. These women allegedly touched my aunt and her sister (also my aunt but deceased since I was a toddler so...) Because of these two women and their awful behavior, my aunt has decided to condemn every single gay and lesbian person in the world.

I gently reminded her the pedophilia and homosexuality do not go hand in hand. I reminded her that more people are molested by straight men than anyone else.

She agreed with me that straight men can be pretty awful but went on a bit more about how the perversion of homosexuality is something she just can't handle.

By the way, the entire time she was saying these things, she was cutting my mom's hair and Alyssa was sitting across the room.

I turned to Lyss a few times and mouthed, "I'm sorry." And "Are you okay?"

I kept wondering how long I should sit there and try to gently argue with my aunt before I got up and left the room with my daughters.

At this point, I don't think my aunt knows that Alyssa and N are together romantically. I honestly don't care if she knows. Well, wait, maybe I do care. If she knows and was still spouting that stuff, it makes it worse. But it's still awful to say it at all, even if you think everyone in the room is straight.

I need to support my daughter. I need to advocate for her and fix as much of our little corner of the world as I can because I won't make her sit through a situation like that again.

I don't want to alienate family but I will if it comes to a choice between them and my child.

When we left, my mom apologized to us for her sister's words and attitude. That was something.

Alyssa said she was fine, she told us that she and N pretend to just be best friends when Lyss visits N's work because there are some awful people there too. I hate that they have to do that but understand they have to do what is necessary to feel safe.

Yeah...they have to do whatever it takes to feel safe. Even if it means hiding part of who they are. How fucked up is that? Our world is such a freaking mess.

Fourth Grade - A Recap

School has been out for a week. The last day of school was last Thursday. I now have a sophomore and a fifth grader.

Fourth grade started out rough for Olivia and her teachers and for me. While I was home in September recovering from surgery, I was 'invited' to attend two meetings to discuss Olivia and her lack of participation/cooperation in the mainstream classroom.

During one of these meetings, her teacher suggested, gently, of course, that perhaps Olivia is playing me.

I get it.

Olivia is very smart. She comes across as very competent and so when she flat out refuses to do something that a teacher or aide requests/requires her to do, it comes across as blatant defiance.

The thing is...Olivia has connection issues in her brain. She can desperately want to do something but if it isn't connecting, she simply can't do it. I've seen this myself at home when trying to help her with homework. She'll look at me when I tell her to do something and I can see that she's drawing a complete blank. She hears my words but they don't mean anything to her.

This is not a moment of playing me. It's just that the connections aren't being made.

We made some modifications to her schedule, put her in a class with a teacher who has a PhD in special education curriculum and about seven students in total and she made some major progress. There are a variety of ages in this class, from first grade to fifth. Olivia connected on a social level with the first grader. She grew so much that she actually played at recess with this child.

This reminds me of the fact that socially and emotionally, Olivia is about seven years old. She wants to connect with people but she doesn't know how.

Just this evening I lost my shit with her. And I shouldn't have. I apologized after but I had a moment where I looked at my eleven year old and I just wanted her to act like an eleven year old.

But she can't. Because the social and emotional part of her brain isn't eleven. It's seven and that's why she'd rather play with a first grader than the other fourth graders or even the fifth grader in her class. It's why she relates better to the fourth grade boys than she does to the fourth grade girls. The girls have all matured beyond Olivia and the boys. The boys are still silly little delinquents and enjoy bathroom humor that tickles Liv's funny bone.

She won a writing contest a few weeks ago. It was during Right to Read week at school. It was the second to last week of school. Because she's Olivia, no one expected her to read her short story to the rest of the students that school. But because she won the contest, the teacher who taught Olivia in second grade read the story to the student body while Olivia stood beside her. When she got home, Liv told me, "I was a totem pole while Mrs. P read my story." She was quite proud of her totem pole status. She was also very proud of her story. She stood beside me while I read it and then took it from me and handed it to her dad for him to read it. It was very creative and well written.

I am, obviously, very proud of her. She's come so far and while I know she has a long way to go, she's doing her best (most of the time)and that's all we can ask of her.

Place Holder

I'm here. I'm just trying to adjust to life without daily doctors' appointments/treatments. I'll get there. I'm sorry for disappearing.

The girls are out of school as of this past Thursday.

I haven't started a serious job search yet.

I'm still in pain from radiation but it is getting better.

My hair is still growing and I've taken How's My Hair Wednesday pictures but alas, I've neglected this space.

I'll get there. I still have a lot to say and not all of it is about cancer or cancer treatments. I promise.

How's My Hair - Weeks 8 and 9

Okay, so I've become a bad blogger. I'm sorry. Really. But I'm also REALLY tired and come home from each radiation treatment and go back to bed for about two hours before Olivia comes home because I want to have enough energy to get through the evening with her and her sister and if I don't sleep, I can't be there for them. So that's my excuse.

But tomorrow is my last treatment so there's that. Next week will be a recovery week for me, lots of sleep, lots of Netflix and then I'll get on that whole job hunting thing.

But for now, pictures of my hair. Both were taken on Wednesdays, so I have that going for me.

How's My Hair Wednesday (on an actual Wednesday)

Picture 8, seven weeks post chemo.

I feel like my hair actually looks better in person than it does in pictures. I might even be a week or two away from being willing/comfortable going out in public without a hat, which is nice because next week is supposed to bring warmer temperatures with it. So, yeah, it's time to put the stocking caps/beanies away and let my hair blow in the wind. Hahahaha.

So without further ado:

How's My Hair...Friday? Yikes!

So yes, radiation fatigue is a real thing. I'm apparently suffering from it. Which is my excuse for not posting How's My Hair Wednesday. But again, the picture was taken on Wednesday, so that's something. It doesn't take much to take a picture. Well, I do have to take the clothes off the hook that hangs from the door and then take the hook down but even that doesn't fatigue me that much.

But getting up and moving around? Yeah, pretty tiring.

Enough of that. Here's the seventh photo, six weeks post chemo (please ignore the fact that it says post-chemom...I blame the radiation fatigue.)

Radiation So Far

As of Friday, April 13, I've finished 13 rounds of radiation. I have 20 more to go. That means four weeks of daily, Monday through Friday, appointments.

So far the side effects include redness at the site of the radiation (ie, my left boob looks sunburned) and tiredness. I'm not sure I'd call what I'm feeling fatigue but I am pretty tired these days. Now that I've finished my round of antibiotics for strep and an ear infection, I'm sleeping through the night. It's a novel experience and quite lovely. The side effects of chemotherapy made it pretty hard to sleep through the night so I'm loving not dealing with dry mouth, sinus congestion and several trips to the bathroom a night.

But even sleeping through the night doesn't take away my need for a nap in the middle of the day. I can sometimes go without a nap for one day but only for one day. The next day requires a nap to get through the evening.

All this isn't helped by the fact that it's currently track season. Alyssa has two track meets a week and anyone who knows me knows I don't like to miss her meets. I just feel like if she's going to put in the work at practices and compete in the meets, the very least I can do is make it to the meets themselves. So on Tuesdays and Fridays, I make sure I take a nap so I can make it to her meets.

Tom is still very supportive and loving. I do know how lucky I am that he's being so great through all this.

I don't think it's affecting the girls all that much. I still help Liv with her homework and as noted above, I'm still going to Lyss's track meets and spending time with her when she's home, which, these days, isn't as much as I'd like. But then, I suppose high school is the time when kids start spending less time at home so they can get us used to the idea of going away to college. I know these next three-ish years are going to fly by.