Happy Halloween-ween-one-ween

Because they're too cute to wait to post:

Merida and Katniss, reporting for butt-kicking duty.

We decided that the weather was not conducive to traditional trick or treating. Instead, my mom invited us, my brother and nephew and my cousin Holly and her daughter to come to her house. The kids wore their costumes and the adults went into the bedrooms with candy. The kids knocked on the doors and got candy. We all stayed warm and candy was had by all. Win/win.

Jason and Jaxon decided Luigi and Mario were the way to go.

Not to be left out, my mom did a little Clowning around and my step dad channeled Elvis. I have a seriously awesome family.

And Tom is equally awesome by being a good sport and getting into the act too.

Can you even stand it?

Incompetent

It’s been almost two weeks since the conference I attended in Orlando. Eleven days to be exact from that moment in the conference room when what may have been an innocent question sent me over the edge.

The question was, “On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being perfect and 10 being broken, how would you describe your relationship with yourself?”

My immediate response was 10. My relationship with myself is broken. I am my own worst critic and I take everything to heart. Every single fault, every inadequacy, every raised voice is a failure.

Acknowledging that broke a dam inside me and the tears flowed, the sobs wracked my body. I am broken.

I don’t know when I broke. I was a very confident teenager. I was firm in my belief system and very willing to share those beliefs with anyone who asked. Yes, I told people I thought I was fat but I did that only because I kind of that that’s what teenage girls were supposed to do. I never actually thought I was fat back then. I mean, come on, I was 5’6” and weight between 115 and 120. I most assuredly was not fat.

But by the time I’d hit my mid to late twenties, I began to doubt myself. I thought maybe I was pretty good person but sometimes I wondered.

And now, in my early forties, a time when I’m supposed to finally becoming comfortable in my own skin, I often find myself wallowing in self-loathing.

That’s not good. Not at all.

So…I need to fix me.

I need to learn to like myself and celebrate those things I know I do well. If only I could think of something to celebrate…

Obviously, this will be an ongoing process.

Hamming It Up

As mentioned in yesterday’s post, I think Alyssa’s shyness is something she was born with. She can’t help it even though she wants to.

Olivia’s? I think she learned her shyness. She learned it from her sister.

Olivia wasn’t a shy infant (after she stopped crying at around six months old, she loved people) nor was she all that shy between the ages of a year to almost three years.

No, it was when she became aware of Alyssa and started imitating A’s behaviors (all of them, egads!) that she learned to be shy.

But already, at not quite six, she’s coming out of it.

Evidence? This picture:

This picture was NOT taken by me. It was taken by Julie, who just called Olivia over to her so she could get a picture of O’s tiger face paint, a design requested by her (Olivia) but done by me.

Julie did not ask Olivia to pose. When Olivia saw the camera, she came up with the tiger pose all by herself. Shy? I’m thinking not so much.

Invisible

Growing up, I was miserably shy. I hated it but I couldn’t figure out how to overcome it. I desperately wanted to be like my best friend Roxann or good friend Cheryl. From elementary school all the way through high school, both of these girls were always surrounded by people, always talking, always making others feel comfortable.

I was always on the periphery, watching, soaking it all in. I was always included in their fun but I was never the instigator, never the center of attention.

Alyssa is so much like me in this way that it breaks my heart.

Logically, I know that she’ll overcome this shyness in her own time, in her own way. I know she’s happy most of the time. She has some great friends at school, she’s part of her group and she enjoys so many things.

But this weekend at the IUDM, I saw myself in my sweet little nine year old. I saw a girl who desperately wanted to be outgoing but didn’t know how.

I saw a girl who felt invisible in a crowd, a girl who wanted to stand out but also wanted to go unnoticed. I’ve been that girl and it can be so hard.

So when she got testy with me, irritable and tired, we took a little walk, my girls and I. We went out to the car on the pretense of getting Olivia some gum. We did actually get the gum but that was just my excuse to get Alyssa out of the crowd and out of her own head for even five minutes.

As we walked to the car, I asked A if she was feeling okay. She’d fallen off the bounce house earlier in the day and hit her head pretty hard. She said she was fine. I hugged her and told her that I understood that sometimes it’s hard to be the big sister to a kid with special needs. I told her I know that it can be hard to be in a crowded room and feel like no one sees you.

She smiled and me and said simply, “I love you Mom.”

And that was that. She was fine for the rest of the day. She was engaged and had fun and flipped and did more walk-overs than I could count.

It can be hard to compete with all the Riley kids when at a dance marathon that is being put on specifically for those very kids. But once you remember that you don’t have to compete, it’s possible to have fun again.

I want Alyssa to know that who she is perfect to me. She’s a smart, kind, loving child who will always be amazing my eyes. And sure, she’ll need to put herself out there more as she gets older but she will. In her time, in her way.

I did. And I’m glad for it, just as she will be someday.

And on a positive note, she did enjoy being the center of attention at a family gathering yesterday. She showed off her amazing level 2 gymnastics skills. Uncles, aunts and cousins were appropriately impressed. It made my shy girl's day.

(And because it cannot go unmentioned, the cute blond girl behind Alyssa to her left is none other than Riley herself, the girl who has attended 100 dance marathons. She's ten, guys!)

(Also, photo credit goes to R's mom, Julie. Thanks Julie, for taking some amazing pictures of my girls!)

Cranky

I’ve been really cranky this week. I can attribute part of the crankiness to tiredness. I feel like I’m still recovering from last weekend’s travel.

I’m also feeling overwhelmed by the coming weekend’s events. The girls and I are heading to Bloomington, Indiana for a dance marathon hosted by Indiana University. While I love Bloomington, getting there involves over four hours of driving, three days away from home which means I need to pack clothes, food and entertainment for two little girls.

We also have to be back at a specific time on Sunday because there’s some kind of party going on that day and my mom has informed me that I’m one of the honorees. Oh, joy.

So yes, cranky.

I don’t know how others handle this sort of schedule on an almost constant basis (Julie, I’m looking at you and your astonishingly busy family.)

The girls have their class Halloween party tomorrow on top of everything else. When we get home from gymnastics tonight at just before 8:00 I need to make mini cupcakes for Olivia’s class, make sure everything is packed for both girls’ costumes and still come to work tomorrow for half a day.

Wah, wah, wah, right?

It’s just that I’m not used to being this busy. I’m not accustomed to going and going and going and then going some more. I’m more of a let’s all the laundry on the weekends because we’re not doing anything else kind of gal. This whole busyness thing has me doing laundry all week and it’s crushing my soul.

Okay, that’s probably a bit melodramatic. But just a bit. Last night while the girls were in the tub, I folded a basket full of laundry. The basket held what had probably been two dryer loads. It was a lot of laundry. And as I folded it and put it away, all I could think was that there were two similar baskets in the other room awaiting the same treatment. It was very soul-crushing.

I also packed our clothes and started a list of snacks we’ll take with us.

One thing at a time. I know that’s how it works. And when this weekend is over and we’re home, the steps won’t seem to have been so big.

For now, I’ll just have a little (lot) more chocolate.

Beer Goggles

While in Orlando, I was lucky enough to spend a couple of evenings with some pleasantly intoxicated people. I was never intoxicated. Let me state that clearly right here and now.

Not that I’m against the occasional sip of an adult beverage, but I didn’t partake of one this year.

Yes, so…

On Saturday evening, after watching several friends rock out to a New Kids on the Block song in a karaoke bar, Julie and I decided it was time to go back to our hotel room. We’re old, remember? And yes, I can say that because I am older than she is, making me ancient.

Away we went, leaving our lovely friends to sing their drunken little hearts out.

We had to go up an escalator to reach the main lobby of our hotel. As we stepped onto the escalator heading up, there was a man on the escalator across the way, heading down to the level we were leaving.

He called out to us, “Sweet dreams, ladies.”

We sort of smiled/smirked and thanked him. Then, glancing back, we realized he’d turned around completely to watch us going up our escalator.

You guys? That dude had to be drunk. I am not that cute.

On the other hand, Julie is very cute. Perhaps he wasn’t drunk at all. Maybe he was making googly eyes at her and I just happened to be in her general vicinity.

Yes, that’s got to be it.

But honestly, his words were a bit slurred. And you know how conferences can go. For other people.

Traveling Kindness

So yes, everyone knows I traveled last weekend. From Thursday to Sunday, I was in three different airports, on four different planes and sat next to five different people on those planes.

I also met several people at each of the airports I passed through.

And…get this, security in both the Toledo airport and the Orlando airport was easy. The workers were kind, patient people. To me, at least.

When I arrived at the Toledo airport at about 5:45am on Thursday morning, security wasn’t open yet. Heck, even the American Airlines counter wasn’t open. So I settled in to wait. The woman sitting next to where I waited said something about us passengers getting there before security.

I laughed and there we went. She was going to Chicago for just the day. She was attending a conference. She was also a breast cancer survivor with a 14 year old daughter named Samantha.

Yes, we chatted. It was a lovely way to pass the minutes before we could check in and go to through security and on to our gate.

On the way through security, I pulled my baggy of travel-sized shampoos from a side pocket of my bag and the security officer complimented my amazing travel savvy. I thanked him and reported that I travel a whole of once a year. He suggested I give travel tips to more frequent fliers. I was appropriately flattered.

On the flight from Toledo to Chicago I sat next to a woman who has three daughters. They are 10 years old, 8 years old and ten and a half months old. She was also only going to Chicago for the day for a work event. She hates flying too.

During my two hours layover in Chicago, I sat near a woman who was traveling with her daughter and two grandchildren. They were going to Orlando for the weekend too. It would be the children’s first visit to Disney World. The trip had been planned by the daughter (mom of the kids) and the woman’s late husband. They were excited and yet sad at the same time. He’d died just a couple of months after planning the trip with his daughter.

The plane boarded and I found myself seated in a window seat with a young couple in the other two seats in the row. They were preparing to watch Contagion on a laptop. I promised them I’d only have to get up once to use the restroom.

They laughed good-naturedly and told me it wasn’t a big deal.

Then I fell asleep and slept through the drink service and both parties of the couple getting up (separately.) I did end up having to make the move just before we started the descent into Orlando airspace.

The weekend flew by and before I knew it, I was on a shuttle heading back to the airport in Orlando. I sat next to two ladies who’d been in town to attend a wedding.

At the airport, I was delighted to find that the flight I thought left at 1:30 actually left at 2:45. Yes, yes, that meant I could have spent another hour with the friends I’d just spent the weekend with but…I hate to be late so to find out I was extra early just made my flipping day.

Onward through security. The line I chose moved quickly. Once I placed all my things on the conveyor belt, the security officer in charge of my line saw my confusion on where to go next and said quite pleasantly, “Just follow your shoes, Love.” How very kind was that? I mean, seriously?

The wait, while longer than I’d expected, was pleasant enough. I ate a wrap, drank a Dr. Pepper, read a book, watched people coming and going. I used the bathroom a couple of times and finally, we boarded.

I sat in the center seat this time. I could tell the women I sat between weren’t really going to be talkers, so I settled in, read my book and dozed a few times during the two and a half hour flight.

As we waited on the runway to move to our gate, the girl in the aisle seat and I talked a little about our final destinations.

Then we were done and I headed to my final gate to wait the FOUR HOURS until my next (last, wheeee!) flight left.

I got something to eat from McD’s, I bought something else to read and I found a seat in a corner at the gate where we’d eventually leave.

The lady in the seat a few down from my own wore a hard brace type thing on her ankle. After about an hour of sitting, she asked me if she could leave her larger bag on the seat that separated us. She said she couldn’t carry it all and would be back soon.

And that started a bit of a co-op between us. She’d watch my big, heavy bag while I went to the restroom (right around the corner, bonus!) and I’d watch her bag while she want to get a bagel, hoping to settle her stomach. She was coming home from a trip to China with her Chamber of Commerce and something about the trip had given her an upset stomach. She talked on her phone quite a bit but between calls, we discussed my conference, her trip and both of our desires to be home and done with travel.

Finally! We were called to board.

And as I made my way down the aisle toward seat 8C, I was stunned to see that seat 8B was occupied by Spock’s sister.

Let me state right here that I totally mean that as a compliment. She was a lovely woman. She was kind, she was talkative, she was stylish and she could totally have played Leonard Nemoy’s version of Spock’s sister. Perhaps not so much Zac Q’s version of Spock, though.

In short, she was AWESOME and I kind of wish that I could be her friend forever, even though she was about twelve years older than I am and way, way cooler.

I arrived home at 12:15. The girls were asleep on a mat on the living room floor. Tom was waiting up for me. We were glad to see each other. We were tired and I needed to brush my teeth.

Olivia cried just a little when she saw me the next morning and that broke my heart even as I laughed just a little, hugging her a bit tighter. Alyssa woke up to my alarm and broke into a giant grin just before we hugged tight.

Travel was nice. The experience of traveling reaffirmed my belief that most people are good. It also reminded me that sometimes, if you speak first, you’ll find that others are just waiting for an opening. This, coming from a self-admitted introvert, it a big deal. It’s taken me almost 42 years to be comfortable enough in my own voice, my own skin, my own intuition to be willing to ask that first question, smile that first smile and be the one to break the silence. And when it’s not well received? I just stop talking, no hard feelings. Sometimes, we just want to be left alone. But more often? We’re just waiting for a friendly face, an opening question, a chance to make a new friend.

But in the end it really, truly is so good to be home.