Fat but...

My place of employment has implemented a program where, if you participate, you can get $10 back per pay period.

All you have to do is let an extremely inefficient nurse jab your finger, wring every drop of blood out of said finger, process that precious blood and then weigh and measure you.

After she's told you you're fat, you go online, fill out a health assessment survey and voila, you get $260 back next year.

Sure, sure, they're sending all this information back to the insurance company and eventually, you're probably going to be dropped from the plan because, duh, obesity. But those extra dollars will come in handy next year. Who cares about five years from now?

So yesterday, we had our biometrics screening.

And yay, I'm not severely obese.

Just obese.

But I didn't need the inefficient nurse to tell me that. I was actually already aware of my weight problem.

But...I'm three pounds down from last year's screening. So yay.

And, get this, even though I'm obese? My cholesterol is ideal. My blood pressure is excellent. My fasting blood sugar is wonderful. My triglycerides are in the ideal range too.

So yeah, you can't judge a person's health by the chubby palor in their face.

But let's face it, my weight affects every aspect of my life.

When I'm fat I feel like I can't do anything right.

I feel like I'm a crappy mother, a horrible wife, a bad house-keeper, a less-than-average employee, a bad friend (except maybe to those friends of mine who want someone to say, "Hey, go ahead and eat that ice cream, a girl's got to enjoy life.")

I want to be better.

I want to be healthier. I want to be skinny. I know...it shouldn't be about the weight, it should be about how I feel about myself and whether I'm comfortable in my own skin.

But I'm not. Not at this weight.

So...what am I going to do about it?

I don't know.

But hey, I'm "healthy." Right?

I'm going with that for now and hoping the desire to make real changes in my life kicks in.

See, the problem is, I want to want to change. But I don't want to change badly enough to actually do it.

And that's the problem.

I'm working on it. Really.