Communication

Marriage is a lot of work. I know there are some fairy tale marriages out there where everything falls together, the fates are on the couple’s side and they never get on each other’s nerves or do anything that pisses the other off the point of wanting to beat their spouse over the head with a frying pan.

Alas, that is not my marriage.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We don’t really fight, so much as we make obnoxious comments to each other then glare for a bit and then leave the room to sit and stew in indignation for a little longer and then we kiss and make up.

Every baby shower I attend, when the guests are asked to give advice to the new mother, I always write, “Don’t make any decisions about your relationship with your child’s father during the first year after the baby is born.”

I write this because there are times in the first year that a child is born that the mother is probably going to hate the father. Now, this isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for a lot of us and I think that new moms need to know this so that they know they’re not alone if they do feel this. Sure, it’s also nice if they can gloat when they don’t hate their child’s father but come on, misery loves company and I think it’s important for us all to know that we’re not alone, especially when we’re miserable.

Okay, lots of back story, there, huh?

260 words to get to the point. The point being a conversation that was had over the weekend. It started between me and Alyssa. She’s been asking for weeks to invite her friend S over for a few hours on the weekend. Each weekend before we’ve been busy and I’ve put her off.

This coming weekend, we’re finally free and so I suggested we have S over, get some pumpkins and carve them.

Tom overheard and immediately said, “No, don’t carve pumpkins so early. They’ll just sit outside and wither and rot.”

I shrugged and walked away. I hate it when he does that. When he steps in and, right in front of A and/or O and says that some idea I’ve had is stupid or lacks forethought. I just hate it. I think it’s demeaning and it undermines my authority as a parent in our household.

Anyway, I let it go because, yes, I’m passive aggressive. And I know that he hates it when I correct him or his thinking in front of the girls and so I try to avoid doing such a thing.

Yesterday, I decided that while I understand and respect his opinion, I don’t agree with it and I think that carving pumpkins with the girls this coming weekend is an excellent, seasonally appropriate activity. It’s supposed to cool down around here anyway, so the pumpkins aren’t as likely to rot in the coming two weeks before Halloween as they’d be if the weather were supposed to stay nice and warm.

Rather than just go about my business and buy pumpkins and carve them even though he expressed his wish that we not do this (it’s something I’ve done in the past, just ignored his opinions, I know, I know, so passive aggressive!) I sent him in email today that said this:

“About those pumpkins…

I know that you said you think two weeks before Halloween is too early to carve pumpkins but I took an informal poll and all the people I talked to (five of them) don’t think it’s necessarily too early. One even pointed out that we want to display the pumpkins before Halloween in all their carved glory.

And isn’t it supposed to be cooler the next couple of weeks, as in 50s or so? That seems cool enough that they won’t rot so very quickly that we can’t enjoy them.

I’m just thinking that since I’m out of town the weekend after this coming weekend, I’d like to do something fun with the girls and Alyssa’s been asking to have Samantha over for weeks now and this is so very seasonally appropriate. So…I guess I’m saying that I hear your concerns, I respect them but I don’t really think two weeks before Halloween is too early and I hope you aren’t mad at me if I buy three pumpkins and let the girls carve them this weekend.”

So communicative, so respectful! And his response was pretty much what I’d expected.

“Ok...pumpkins are fine...it is supposed to be cold for at least the next week.”

Such a guy response to my wordy memo about how I want to respect him but still have my way.

After all these years, I think I’m finally starting to understand how to talk to my husband. He wants to be heard, he wants to be respected. Just like me, he wants a voice in the day to day workings of our family. We’ll get there, as long as we keep talking to (or emailing) each other.