Identity Crisis

I’m kind of lost these days.

Who am I?

I’m no longer a cancer patient.

I’m a cancer survivor.

But what does that mean?

I’m still a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend.

But I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was before I was diagnosed with cancer.

I don’t feel less but I’m not sure I’m more…does that even make sense?

I don’t know.

I drank something with caffeine in it last night and when I lay down to try and sleep, my heart was racing. It was so weird and I felt so very off. I prayed that I’d be allowed to wake up this morning.

I realize how paranoid that is. I suppose everyone who’s gone through a serious illness goes through this.

I’m seeing a chiropractor for my hip pain. He says it’s my sciatic nerve being irritated. Not pinched but definitely rubbed the wrong way. Apparently I’m lucky the pain isn’t running down my leg.

I don’t know.

I want to get back to just being. I want to find my zen. I want to appreciate my body for how strong it is, for what it’s been through and still kicking.

I want to kick someone or something’s ass, metaphorically speaking, of course. I suppose one could say I’ve kicked cancer’s ass and yet…it could come back and kill me to death so there’s that.

According to my chiropractor (who seems to be in cahoots with my radiation oncologist) I should be on an alkaline diet. Cancer likes an acidic environment, so if I make my body chemistry more alkaline, cancer won’t feel so at home.

Huh.

Well, damn. I just opened a can of tomato juice. Do I dump it down the drain? Do I drink it and hope for the best? I drank it.

But then I googled ‘alkaline diet’. Yeah. Because we can believe everything we read on the internet, it says that there is no actual diet that can prevent cancer. Though losing weight can’t hurt, so there’s that.

I’m so sick of bitching about my fatness. I mean, isn’t everyone just as sick of reading about me bitching about my fatness? It’s kind of time to either accept my fatness and move on or do something about it. Talking about it, whining about it, bitching about it doesn’t do me any good except make me feel bad about myself and look where that’s got me.

So…what next?