I know You

When Alyssa was little, okay, littler, I remember looking at her and thinking, “I know you. I’ve known you forever.”

I felt like her soul and mine had been acquainted for lifetimes, as in plural. I felt like she was so much wiser than I was, as if she knew more about the entire universe than I ever would.

I looked in her eyes when she was an infant and I marveled that I was her mother, I wondered if I would ever be worthy of that title.

The same thing happened when Olivia was born. I looked at her and knew her. I held her in my arms and she fit so perfectly against me. Her cat-like cry was familiar to me in a way I couldn’t explain. Even her dimples reminded me of something that I couldn’t put my finger on.

As I child I often looked at my mom and felt like we belonged together. I was so very grateful that she’d been the one to whom I’d been born.

Over the years, I’ve wondered about our souls. Do we have just this one life or have we been travelling for lifetimes, centuries even, coming in and out of this world, searching each other out?

I feel like there must have been a time when Alyssa was the parent and I was the child. She often seems so much wiser than I am, so much more mature and her laughter tugs at something inside me, reminding me of another place, another time when we sat and laughed together, maybe not in our current life but in another, maybe not even so long ago.

All I know for sure is that I feel so very lucky to have these two souls here, now, in this lifetime with me, to nurture, to love, to shower with affection and adoration. That they found me is a miracle, one for which I will forever be grateful.

Sign Here

As the girls get older, they get busier. Every parent of kids over four knows this.

And if your kids got to school (as opposed to being homeschooled) you know that the higher their grade level, the more things they need you to sign.

Alyssa has a spelling list each week. She has to write it out three times on Monday evenings and I have to sign the page on which she’s written the words.

She had a calendar in which she writes her assignments each day. Her teacher initials every student’s calendar every single day. I have to sign below the teacher’s initials each day.

She has to practice the recorder for at least an hour each week (she prefers to practice much more than that) and I have to sign her practice sheet. I guess that one is just to show that a parent knows she’s supposed to be practicing and that she is, indeed, as far as the parent knows, practicing.

Let’s not forget the report card envelopes, that need to be signed and returned asap, thank you very much.

I get that this is an attempt to get and keep parents involved. But damn, I write my name A LOT these days.

And it seems to have to happen five minutes before I need to walk out the door each morning for work. Alyssa will remember that this needs to be signed and that needs to be signed, oh, and one more piece of paper needs you to sign it, please. And all this is happening as I’m attempting to dry my hair while Olivia rummages through the drawers in the bathroom looking through the fingernail polish colors, probably hoping to find a color she hasn’t seen before, which never happens because I haven’t bought fingernail polish in, well, forever.

I suggested gently to Alyssa this morning that perhaps we can start trying to remember to sign everything in the evenings, when things aren’t quite so hectic. She shrugged, as if to say, “Yeah, whatever. We’ll see if that actually happens.”

Then I mentioned that her dad can sign too, even when I am in the house. She replied, “I know, but I like your signature better.”

Oh. Well. Okay, then.

I heard Tom snickering in the other room as she said this. I tell you, that man has it made.

So. Much. Energy.

This morning, Olivia slept until 5:45, which is late for her these days with Falling Back and all that jazz.

Over the weekend, as I futzed around the house, cleaning this room and vacuuming that one, I could often see or at least hear Olivia running in circles around the house. Our house is set up so that when you walk in the front door you see a coat closet in front of you, a hallway to the right of the closet, the living room is to the left of the closet and the stairs to the second floor are to the right. The hall way leads to the kitchen and there is a half bath down the hall. The kitchen also opens to the living room, which makes for a nice little circular track Olivia can run.

Alyssa prefers the long stretch of area between the far living room wall that leads through the kitchen, past the dining area and into the family room. She uses this as her runway for vaults and cartwheels as well as round-offs and handstands into bridges. She mastered the walkover this weekend. And begged me to go get grips for her sooner than Thursday. She thinks the schedule is still up for negotiation. It’s not. We’re getting them on Thursday, the day she might actually use them at class.

Sigh.

I wish I had as much energy as either one of my children. They’re always on the go, always running and flipping and jumping and just being insane.

Alyssa asks countless times to show me some not-new gymnastics move and Olivia shriek-chirps, “I have so much energy!” as she rounds the corner from the kitchen to the living room to make another lap.

She also claims Gram's glasses give her energy. I think she just likes them because everyone tells her how cute she is when she's wearing them.

Emotionally, I feel really good these days. I am in a really good place. I am hoping that this emotional energy will translate into physical energy soon because I need to do something about my slovenly physical body. And soon. But for now, I watch my girls enjoy life, enjoy a Sunday afternoon when we don’t have anywhere to be except right here, right where we are.

Feeding Frenzy

My kids have been going a little crazy today. It started before breakfast, when they asked for toast and berries as an appetizer to the eggs I was making.

Then, almost immediately following breakfast, Alyssa peeled two Cuties for herself.

Olivia made her way to candy central and helped herself to some chocolate.

Then it was time for an apple, another Cutie, lunch of soup and sandwiches.

Lunch required a bit of dessert, which consided of a bite sized Snickers for Olivia (left over from Halloween) and an ice cream bar for Alyssa.

Ten minutes later, Alyssa was having some bologna and Olivia wanted some Pringles, cheese-flavored if we have them (we do.)

Two more Cuties and a couple of popsicles later, and Alyssa just asked if she could eat a pickle.

I think they might both be going through a growth spurt. We're still two hours from dinner and I'm not sure the pantry can handle them.

Get a Grip

On Thursday, as I was paying for the coming month's tuition for Alyssa's gymnastics class, I asked the lady behind the couner where the girls were buying their grips.

Alyssa was thrilled to hear that they sold grips right there in the gym.

Oh, the joy, the wonder.

Wait, Mom didn't have an extra $16.01 on her right at that minute?

The horror, the cruelty. It was so very unfair.

And then, there was one girl (according to Alyssa) in the class who was totally flaunting her grips, waving them around, bragging that she had them.

Im not sure, but I think Alyssa might have been exaggerating. Her own enormous envy may have put a bit of bragginess where it might not have existed.

When I got to my mom's on Friday to pick up the girls, Alyssa was at the car before I could get my seatbelt off. Papa had given her $20. One reason he gave it to her was because she came home with a certificate for excellent behavior and academic record in school.

Another reason was so we could buy the damned grips and she could shut up about them. I know. I love my step-dad too.

She cuddled up to him for the rest of the time we spent there before coming home.

But all is not exactly well in Alyssa's world. See...her mom is so mean! She (Alyssa) thinks I should go to the gym right after work on Monday and get her the grips. I think she can wait until we go on Thursday. She isn't even going to see another bar until then so why get them early?

She wants them early because she wants them. She wants to wear them around the house and just have them.

I keep telling her that waiting for something you really, really want builds character.

She insists she has enough character. Hmmmm....

Gently

Yesterday morning Olivia asked me if she could take a bath with her big doll that wears makeup. I knew exactly which doll she was talking about. She asked me where we got that doll. I reminded her she’d gotten her at Goodwill. She’d found this doll with the nappy hair on a shelf and fallen in love with her to the point that I couldn’t justify not buying her. She was only $4.

I glanced at the clock as she asked again if she could please take just a quick hot bath with her doll that wears make up. It was 6:15. I needed to be in and out of the shower in the next half hour. But…she wanted that bath and honestly, it meant so much to her.

Baths are a language of love for Olivia. She loved to luxuriate in the warm/almost hot water, leaning back and soaking her entire body. Yes, we have a big tub and it was going to take a bit of time to fill it enough to make it worth her while but…it meant so much to her.

I’m happy to say that I allowed that bath yesterday.

I realize that I need to say yes to the little things a little more often.

I’m not a naturally patient person/mother. I’m sad to admit that because it makes me feel awful but there it is. I’m irritable, I’m easily frustrated and I’m so damned tired all the time.

But I’m trying.

I’m trying to remember that when Olivia finally falls asleep each night (we made it to 7:24 last night, wheee!!!) that Alyssa needs that hour or so next to me on the couch. Even if we’re just watching a show together, not talking much, she needs that contact, that connection.

One of Alyssa’s languages of love is touching. She needs to be touching me, leaning into me, having me rub her back, brush her hair. She also adores gifts but well…as big as our house is, we do have limited space.

So even though I’m done by the time Olivia is finally asleep, I’m not really. I can’t be because I have another sweet girl who needs me just as much as the sleeping child. Her needs may be a little different from the littler girl’s but they’re just as important and need to be met just as patiently, as lovingly, as gently.

I’m trying to learn to love more gently. Gentle loving is another thing that isn’t all that instinctive to me. But I’m getting there.

And I’m being more patient with myself when I fail. Because I do. I fail a lot. But when I do, I apologize, I hug and we move on, loving all over again, more gently, more patiently, more thoroughly for having made the mistake.

Pretty

This morning came too fast for me. Olivia was up and chirping by 5 as is her norm for this week. She wakes up, comes to my bed, declares in her most cheerful voice that her pull-up is soaked and asks me to take it off her. Then she strips off her perfectly dry pajamas, top and bottom, and climbs into my bed nude. She likes to snuggle up in the warmth created by my sleepy body and want to feel it with every inch of skin possible, hence the nudity.

Last night after their bath, I rubbed some cream into both A’s and O’s hair. My aunt Lorry gave it to me for my birthday. It’s supposed to bring out the natural curl.

After Olivia was asleep, I combed Alyssa’s hair out (after getting the comb untangled from it, which was a NIGHTMARE, egads!!) and wrapped her strands around foam curlers. She asked me how she was supposed to sleep in those things. I told her to lay down and see how it felt.

She was fine.

This morning, she woke up excited to see how her hair looked.

I took the curlers out and she gasped as each curl boinged around her head. She loved it.

Olivia couldn’t stand not being in on the fun. I showed her her own hair, which was quite curly even without the help of curlers. She noted the curls with satisfaction and then twirled about the room in her sequined, tutued top.

Today is an early dismissal day from school. Because of this, Olivia doesn’t have school at all. She’s in the PM kinderkids class, so early dismissal days mean no school for her. Which meant she was going to Gram’s first thing this morning.

This just added to the excitement. She pranced about the house, showing off her conditioned curls, shaking them out and chapsticking her lips into waxy oblivion.

As I helped Alyssa shake out her own curls, Olivia once again joined us in the bathroom. This time, her little fingers were just a’wigglin’ as she suggested that since she was going to Gram’s this morning, perhaps she could just have a tiny little bit of mascara on her lashes.

Who am I to deny a child such a small request?

Once the curls were bouncy and the coats were donned, Olivia and I kissed Tom and Alyssa goodbye and hit the road.

During the 3-mile drive to Gram’s house, Olivia said to me, “At least my lashes are as pretty as the rest of me today.”

Ohhh, dear. That child. I think we’re going to be having the makeup fight so much sooner than I’d anticipated.

As for Alyssa, she was thrilled beyond measure by the bounciness of her curls this morning. And she never once mentioned the possibility of mascara or even chapstick. She’s already learned that a little bit of pretty goes a very long way.