Guilt-Free Epiphany

Last night the experiment began. The conscious decision to bask in my family’s love and adoration rather than run from it or endure with a sigh and gritted teeth.

Yes, I know how awful that sounds. Imagine how awful it was to feel that way? Or, even worse, how awful it must have been to be Tom or Alyssa or Olivia and deal with me feeling that way? My poor family.

But I’m not beating myself up over past behavior. I can’t do that or I will never get past any of this.

Instead, I’m moving forward. The experiment last night was awesome. It was wonderful.

We were all so relaxed and we smiled and laughed.

That old saying, “If mom’s not happy, no one’s happy.” It’s true. One person truly can set the tone of the entire household.

It’s an awesome responsibility to be that one person. But since I am, I have to consciously choose happiness. I have to be thankful for the love that my family lavishes on me. I have to embrace the fact that they want to be near me and I have to realize that I’m truly lucky in this.

But the most amazing thing about last night isn’t that I was able to pull off kindness for several hours in a row.

No. Though that was a pretty amazing endeavor, if I do say so myself.

No, the most amazing thing that happened was that I realized that I can say no to a request and not feel guilty about saying no.

How did I figure this out? I said no to something with kindness in my voice. I said no to a request from each member of my family with a smile on my face and an explanation that I was already doing something else and if I had time, I’d get to their request soon. But if not, perhaps they could figure something else out.

I also realized that an ounce of kindness can go for miles. And martyrdom is never, ever appreciated.

I know that my family would rather I just get over myself and go be alone for ten minutes than to do something I don’t want to do while sighing and huffing and puffing and rolling my stupid eyes the entire time. There’s no grace in that.

But there is grace in saying calmly and kindly, “Mommy is going to go upstairs and use the bathroom. I’ll be back in just a few minutes. You can stay here with Daddy while I’m gone and when I get back, I’ll do that thing you asked me to do ten minutes ago.”

Everyone is happy with that. Even me. Imagine that.