Being Useful

I'm learning that I'm better when I'm busy.

I'm really good at sitting in the recliner and binge watching Netflix shows. But that's not really good for me. I feel kind of awful after a few hours of sitting in that chair. Even if some of that time is spent sleeping (which is actually better sleep than in my bed...remind me to tell you about how much work it feels like to try and sleep a night in my bed...)

Last weekend an old co-worker called me. He wanted to let me know that another co-worker was turning 50 and his (the birthday boy's) parents were taking him out for pizza. I created a FB group for my old co-workers to keep in touch. The one who called me asked if I'd post on that page letting people know about J's bday and maybe inviting anyone who wanted to surprise him.

I was happy to do this.

Within a couple of hours of my post, we had about twenty people saying they'd be there. It was great.

The party was set for Thursday.

I felt pretty crappy Thursday. I spent a lot of time in the recliner. I slept, I ate waffles, I watched all the episodes of season 2 of Selling Houses with Sarah Beeny. Then I decided I was going to shower because, damn it, I wanted to see my old co-workers.

That shower was exhausting. But I did it. And then I rested. Then I got in my car and drove twenty-five minutes to the pizza place. And I ate pizza and visited with people I hadn't seen in over two months.

I took off my hat to show off my hair growth and had people tell me how great I look. That was lovely and all but the best part was...I felt better. Getting out of the house, surprising J on his birthday, laughing and just seeing people I hadn't seen in a while was so nice.

Alyssa's got her school musical coming up.

When I went to the parent meeting for this musical about two months ago, I signed up to help with hair and makeup. I mean, I do Liv's hair every single day. How hard can it be to help out?

While at the meeting the mom in charge of costumes asked me if I had any ideas for one of Lyss's costumes (she's got four parts...it was five but she had to step out of one of them due to impossible costume changes.) I told L that my mom was great with a sewing machine and that she'd be happy to make Lyss's Blue Bird costume (it's awesome, I mean, seriously amazing.) Oh dear. I didn't realize what I was signing my poor mom up for. She's made costumes for Blue Bird, Donkey, Elf, young Shrek and so many more small projects. She's been amazing.

For my part, I have attended several practices to help with whatever I can possible help with. I've sewn a few hems, ripped out a few seams, etc. But it's the fact that I'm needed, even if just a little, that makes me get up and go to these practices.

I want to be useful. I want to get things done. I want to feel good and even when I don't, knowing there are things that need to be done and people counting on me helps me push past any discomfort and get up and get going.

I think that's the best thing for me.

Heck, some days I feel like I've accomplished something if I just get a load of laundry done from start to finish. It's the little things.

I also remind myself that this part of my life is not permanent. I won't always feel awful just from trying to sleep in my bed. Only three more chemo treatments. It's pretty great to be able to say that, if nothing else.

The Deer

So yes, I hit a deer on the way home from Gram’s house after Thanksgiving dinner. We live three miles from my mom’s house. I was half way home. Which means I was a mile and a half from my mom’s and a mile and a half home. That just feels ridiculous

We finally got an estimate from the insurance company on how much damage was done to my car.

Before I say how much it will cost to fix the car, I would like to point out that I was going maybe 40 miles an hour. Yeah, not all that freaking fast.

That damn deer came out of nowhere and managed to do $8200 worth of damaged to my car. The deer flipped around in the air, hit the ground and then…she got up and ran away!!

Thankfully, neither of the girls or I was hurt. It just crumpled up the hood of my car, damaged the bumper and passenger side headlight. The car is leaking some kind of fluid and the driver’s side seatbelt won’t retract, which the insurance adjuster just said proves I was wearing it. So I guess that’s good.

I’d felt pretty awful while at my mom’s for dinner. I managed to eat the awesome roasted vegetables and, of course, a piece of cherry pie but then I made my way to my mom’s bedroom where I laid on the floor and dozed. Tom came in at one point to check on me and found me on the floor. He asked if that was more comfortable than the bed.

I told him it absolutely was, then I dozed again.

When I finally pulled my sickly carcass off the floor, the girls and I headed home and wham, we hit the deer.

It is amazing what a jolt of adrenalin can do for one’s over feelings of health. I felt better for hours after hitting that damned deer. I hope she was bruised and sore the next day.

Little Indignities

Even when I’m feeling fine (ish) these days, there are still the little indignities that come with cancer and chemo that add up to feel like A BIG THING instead of a lot of little things.

-Waking up to pee four times a night.

-Still can’t sleep comfortably on either side because – incision on left, port on right.

-Have to wear a hat to sleep because my scalp/hair rubs weirdly on my pillow.

-Waking up in a drenching sweat because of the above hat/chemo sweats.

-Still sleeping in a bra, almost three months after surgery.

-Not being able to bathe. Sure, I shower everyday but there’s something about a long soak in a hot bath that makes me feel so good and I haven’t been able to do that in almost three months thanks to the open wound my incision became.

-Still having to shave my stupid legs even though I have no hair on the top of my head. How is that fair and just?

-The weird film/taste in my mouth that is a near constant state. It’s not metallic like some people told me it would be but I can’t seem to drink enough water(see having to get up four times a night to pee) or brush my teeth often enough to get rid of it.

So many little things. But I know they'll be worth enduring. Every single day is a day closer to when this is all over and I'm taking steps to leaving it all behind me, getting well, feeling well, being well.

What Gave It Away?

While at WalMart last week, during one my hardest days after chemo yet, the girls and I were waiting on a bench for my mom to be ready to take us home. I’d feel icky enough to be not want to drive myself to town that day.

Yes, that should have been the sign that I should have just stayed home. I know. Live and learn.

After a bit, I decided to use the bathroom, leaving Lyss and Liv on the bench watching our cartful of groceries.

As I started to enter the bathroom, I was stopped by a woman who was waiting outside the door for a friend.

She said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but are you a cancer survivor?”

I said, “Well, right now I’m a fighter, but I plan to be a survivor.”

She fist bumped me and told me she’d fought cancer five times. FIVE TIMES! Holy shit. Five freaking times. She explained that her first fight was with thyroid cancer, then she fought breast cancer four times.

She said her last fight ended seven years ago and she’s currently cancer free.

You go, Warrior Woman.

I told her I’d just had chemo three days prior which is why I looked so terrible.

She looked me in the eyes and said, “You look beautiful. You’re going to beat this and come out stronger.”

And then she let me go to the bathroom where I tried to poop for the seven hundredth time that day. (It didn’t work, but the third time I went in to try did so…aren’t you glad you read through this entire post?)

But honestly, other than my hat and chemo pallor, I wonder what gave me away as a cancer/chemo patient. As of this moment, I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. I still have more weight on my bones than is necessary or even recommended.

Maybe once you go through this you just know. You recognize fellow members of the club you never wanted to join. Maybe.

Chemo Diaries - Chemo #3

Ahh, the cumulative effects of chemotherapy. So expected and yet still so painful.

And this time, there was blood. Ugh! But it was only a little and only on Friday and Saturday. Still…ewww.

Anyway. This chemo session was a little different because Tom took me. I know! He got to be my driver. We arrived, I got hooked up and he stuck around a bit before running out to Aldi (his favorite store EVER) and I think maybe Walmart (his least favorite store EVER.)

He was back before I was done, so he sat down and watched as my nurse finished up the process.

This was the first time she had trouble with my port. She first time she accessed it, there was no flow so she tried a new needle and that did the trick. Thank goodness for Lidocaine and its numbing effects, though I did feel the second access. Not pain so much as…pressure? Yeah, that’s it.

I woke up that Tuesday night in the usual sweat. Ick. I hate waking up sweaty at 1am. It’s just so gross.

But then again, there is nothing about chemo that isn’t gross. The feelings of just being sick, being out of it, of not being in control of anything. Yep, gross.

Wednesday, I got through most of work. Go me. I know, I say that a lot but damn it, I’m a freaking warrior here. My chemo nurse says so.

Thursday Alyssa and I headed to see Justice League. Wonder Woman is so awesome. I didn’t feel too bad, just run down. Not so much that I couldn’t drive to and from the movie and eat way too much popcorn and drink a frozen Coke but just kind of ick.

Did I mention that Olivia started coming down with a cold on the Sunday before chemo? No? Well, she did.

By Thursday evening I wasn’t just suffering from the effects of chemo, I was also stuffy from catching Liv’s cold. Yay elementary school!!

Friday was so hard. I felt pretty awful all day

It started with, you guessed it, the poop problem.

Let’s remember that my biggest fear going into chemo was diarrhea. And let me say here, I have not yet experienced full-on diarrhea, much to my relief. However, chemo is messing up my natural ‘rhythm’ of three or four BMs a day. I know, yuck, but this is all about full disclosure so there you go.

I didn’t poo first thing in the morning on Friday as I do most mornings. So I felt ‘off’ all day.

I did manage to drag myself and the girls to town to buy groceries and have lunch. I ate half the chicken I’d ordered at Dairy Queen and the whole caramel sundae (because, duh) but once we got to Walmart, I started feeling worse and worse. We powered through and made it home with time to rest.

But back to the poop situation, because that’s why we’re all here, right? For the when the shit hits the fan. When I did finally poo much later in the day, like after 6pm, it was awful. This is where the blood came in.

I googled, “is it normal to poop blood while on chemo?”

Apparently, yes, it’s normal; and yet, so very disconcerting and disgusting. Shudder.

I felt better for a couple of hours on Saturday.
I got up, made the green bean casserole we were taking to my mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner. Sat through dinner and ate some vegetables. Then I made my way to her back bedroom where I laid on the floor and just…suffered. Is that a little melodramatic? Maybe but that’s kind of what I did. I didn’t actually sleep, I just drifted, feeling awful and hoping tomorrow would be better.

I roused myself enough to drive the girls the three miles home. At the halfway point between my mom’s house and ours, I hit a deer. The damn deer got up and ran away. My car was drivable enough to get us home, an hour after hitting the deer, after Tom and an office with the county sheriff’s department did their work.

It’s amazing what a shot of adrenaline can do for chemo sluggishness.

There was a little more blood that night when I finally had another poop but not as much as the day before and by Sunday, there was no blood at all.

I made it through an eight hour day at work on Monday and here we are, a week out and I’m feeling…okay. Not awesome but not horrible either.

My incision continues to heal. We’re at the point where Tom no longer even tries to stuff gauze into the opening. It’s barely open. There’s a tiny bit of seepage on the cause I lay on top of the incision but not enough to cause concern. I don’t see the surgeon again until December 18, at which point I fully expect him to do declare it closed. I hope.

So yeah, not so much diarrhea but just enough blood to be able to say I’m still excelling at being disgusting. Yah chemo!

One more big one and then, two weeks after that, we start the weekly sessions. I’ll admit it…I’m scared. Just a little but still…scared.

The Chemo Diaries

Chemo Diaries
For posterity I thought I’d write up a bit of what life was like after the second round of chemo. Just to remind myself, I looked back at how the first round went.

Round 1:
Day of chemo: High from the anti-nausea meds. No real effects of the chemo felt. I walked six laps around our yard (one square acre) grooving to the music on my old phone.
Day one after: Felt rundown, as if I were coming down with a cold or the flu. General tiredness. Left work after six hours.

Day two after: Still rundown, a little achy. Noticed my incision had started to seep a little. Ick. Worked nine hours this day.

Day three after: Woke up at 4am feeling blood/fluid running down my side from my incision. Totally stressed over this. Walked into my surgeon’s office as they opened that morning. They said was fine, normal, told me to keep it covered with gauze. At this point, I should have taken stock out in the gauze industry.

By Saturday, which would have been day four after chemo, I was feeling pretty good. I managed to go to the grocery store, take the girls to lunch and only had to rest a bit when we got home.

Round 2 was harder. So much harder.
Day of chemo: Not high at all from the anti-nausea meds. Bummer. Instead, the feelings of tiredness and general yuck started right after the infusion ended. Boooo!
Day one after: Woke up five times to pee in the night. Each time I laid back down I had to curl into a ball to try and settle my stomach. Managed to get through eight hours at work. Go me.

Day two after: Still tired, still achy, still sort of sick to my stomach. The anti-nausea pills my nurse prescribed help but not much. Weird taste (not exactly metallic) and what feels like a film in my mouth. Just all around feeling sort of gross. My hair started falling out today.

Day three after: Okay, so my stupid incision is bleeding…again. Not the normal day to day seepage but actual blood this time. Yeah, it must be the Friday after chemo. Damn it. Spent some time in the surgeon’s office again. This time, I’ve been advised to start packing gauze into my now-open wound. Yay. One more gross thing my poor husband has to do for me. Hair still thinning but not too bad yet.

Day four after: Still tired. Still queasy. Make it through lunch with my mom and Liv (Lyss is in Defiance for an honors choir.) Wore a hat to town even though hair isn’t too thin yet.

Day five after: Go to Defiance to watch Alyssa sing. She’s so beautiful. I love that she gets to do these things. I’m also so grateful that she has friends whose parents are so awesome to pick her up and take her to the practices for this sort of thing without me having to ask. I eat Lemon Heads and mints to counteract the feeling of yuck in my mouth. Indigestion is a near constant battle. Somehow, I managed to avoid heartburn through two pregnancies and now…it feels like chemo has decided to make up for that. Hair thinner still…wearing a hat constantly now.

Day six after: Took Olivia to a dentist appointment. While walking around the mall afterward with her, I was so tired. Needed to get some strawberry lemonade to buck up and get from one end of the mall to the other. Hair…still there but starting to get annoying.

Day seven after: Happy birthday to me. My hair is driving me freaking crazy. It’s poking and stabbing and just…ugh. Oh yes, and joy of joys, today was my first day of experiencing the dreaded diarrhea. Wheee!!! No birthday pie for me. So sad.

Day eight after: Okay, seriously with the hair. I can’t stand it. It’s everywhere, it’s stabby, it’s annoying. I’m approaching Gollum status. Not only is the heartburn still here and the occasional feeling of just yuck, this hair thing is making even the best moments feel icky. My mom offers to use Tom’s clippers and just cut it all off. We go for it and oh my goodness, the freedom I felt the moment she was done. There is still a very short bit of hair left, sort of like Velcro for my hats but it feels so much better I can’t even describe it. I still slept with a hat on because the ‘velcro’ hair still on my head kept catching on my pillow. But even that was not a bother considering I know longer have strands long enough to poke out my hats. I don’t have to clean out my hats when I get home. I can shower without feeling like I’m attempting to wash a shedding dog with piles of hair on my hands and in the bottom of the shower. Whew, just…relief.

Day nine after: Still moments of general tiredness or feeling less than great but mostly good.

And now we wait another week and a few days for the next chemo. Until then…

The Ever-Annoying State of My Hair

I am so ready for this to be done. My hair is awful.

I mean, I knew it was going to fall out. I was fine with that. I’ve made peace with it and it’s all good.

So can it just go now?

I mean, seriously, there is SO MUCH hair. And it’s everywhere. And it’s stabby and itchy and annoying.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things this is not that big a deal. I feel crappy at some point every single day. And yet, right this second, my hair and what feels like its s l o w descent to my bathroom floor feels like the biggest thing. Maybe because I know there’s something that can be done to fix it.

I need to go home, get my husband’s clippers, and buzz the crap out of the remaining ten strands of hair. That would get rid of the last stubborn few that are just waiting to stab me in the skull, attach themselves to my hats and just irritate the shit out of me.

I can’t control when I feel terrible. I can’t control the fact that I pee all the dang time. I can’t control the leg cramps that wake me up on a nightly (sometimes twice!) basis.

But I can take control of this hair situation.

And I’m going to. Because it needs to be over. It needs to be gone.

Then I’ll google how long it takes after finishing chemo for hair to start growing back.

Wheee!

Chronically Gross

Here’s the thing about chemotherapy…it attacks the fastest growing cells first; which is why it works so well at killing cancer cells. Those suckers grow like crazy. But hair and skin are also fast growing cells, which again, is why hair falls out and skin breaks down.

Scar tissue is, duh, skin. So yeah.

I had chemo on Tuesday. By Thursday, my incision was oozing. It’s gross. I saw my surgeon yesterday. He packed the incision with gauze (again…GROSS!) and put me on two antibiotics and some probiotics for the next ten days.

He also wants Tom to pack my incision each day with new gauze. Poor Tom.

Thankfully, he’s not all that squeamish. He’s more worried about hurting me than about the grossness of the process of packing the incision. But still, so gross. (And for the record, he didn’t hurt me, he was very gentle.)

I know this is just par for the course. We just have to keep on keeping on and next week will be better. My energy will come back, my incision will stop seeping. I will sleep better and my stomach won’t hurt all the time.

I know all this logically but while I sit here with the corner of a gauze pad stuffed inside an opening in my body (seriously, SO FREAKING GROSS) and know that for the next ten or so days, my dear, loving, kind, generous, over-worked husband will have to replace that gauze daily, well, I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself.

It must be the Friday after chemo.

Chemo #2

I was not high yesterday after chemo. Nope, instead I just felt yucky. Yes, yucky. Apparently chemotherapy turns me into a four year old.

I had to get up five times, FIVE TIMES, to pee last night and each time I got back into bed, I had to curl into a ball to try and sooth my stupid stomach, which was queasy but not quite puky.

I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at 11:35 sweating like it was 85 degrees in my house. For the record, it was 67 degrees. To be fair, I did have a sheet, a comforter and two quilts covering me, so that’s probably a big part of the disgusting sweat. I tossed off all but a sheet and a quilt, turned on a small fan by my bed and rest for about an hour before having to pee again.

Today, the day after the second chemo, is better than yesterday. I don’t feel as sick or as tired. We’ll see how the day goes.

Big news…my hair is falling out. I can stand over a trashcan and run my hands through my hair and see the strands dropping. We’ll see how long it takes to all fall out. Here today, gone tomorrow? I have a hat in my bag (the one Julie sent me all the way from Indianapolis!) in my bag should the hair just suddenly decide to vacate my head and I have to leave work bald. At least my head won’t be cold.