Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Speaking of Self-Pity

Tom took gifts to his oldest son and his (the son’s) family. There are three kids ages 13, 11, and 8.
I was glad Tom got to see Jay. It’s been awhile and I know he misses his older kids.
When he got home that afternoon, he had cards from Jay’s kids. Kay, Jay’s wife, is homeschooling their three kids, Dee, Gray and Zee, Tom took gifts to his oldest son and his (the son’s) family. There are three kids ages 13, 11, and 8.
I was glad Tom got to see Jay. It’s been awhile and I know he misses his older kids.
When he got home that afternoon, he had cards from Jay’s kids. Kay, Jay’s wife, is homeschooling their three kids, Dee, Gray and Zee, this year; which is awesome. I’m glad that works for their family.
But…and here comes the self-pity. But Tom was gushing about how much Kay enjoys homeschooling their kids. She just loves it. It’s going so well. Everyone is so happy with the situation, the kids love it, Kay loves and obviously, Jay loves having her home with the kids.
Wheee! Everyone is so happy and perfect and bully for them.
But see, that’s fine. It’s great that they’re all happy.
But then, THEN! Somehow, it came around to how I would NOT enjoy homeschooling our children. I don’t know if Tom said it or if I did but it absolutely came across as I was somehow lacking because I would not receive as much joy from homeschooling as Kay does.
I muttered something about Kay not having a challenging child to work with. I might also have mentioned that she doesn’t work 9 hours a day and THEN have to go home and help/do homeschool/work.
Tom replied that he’s heard the sounds that come out of me when O and I are working on her homework.
Sigh.
I spiraled from there.
See, I’m one of those people who needs words of affirmation. I need someone (Tom) to tell me I’m doing a good job. I NEED him acknowledge that I’m doing my best, that he know that I’m at least trying.
Okay, yes I’m impatient with her when she write the same letter seven times and erases it six time or when wants to hug my butt or when she talks about inappropriate things. I get frustrated when she does the same things over and over and over again even though I’ve explained how and why it’s not polite/appropriate/etc.
But you guys, that girl knows I love her, right? I’m still her favorite person in the whole world so I MUST be doing something right, right?
No, I do not enjoy sitting with her and DOING her homework for her. I don’t enjoy looking up answers and then having her either write or type them in, word for word from what I’m saying.
Could I have homeschooled Alyssa successfully and maybe even joyfully? Maybe…probably. But she’s self-motivated. She can work things out on her own. She doesn’t have OCD as well as an undeniable need to announce to everyone in her general vicinity that she farted every three minutes.
And I’m betting that all three of Jay’s and Kay’s kids are self-motivated and can work things out on their own too. Okay, so the eight year old probably needs more hands on help but he’s pretty typical so…
Again, I’m glad Kay enjoys homeschooling her three kids but can we celebrate that without making me feel like shit because I can’t work nine hours a day and them come home and ENJOY helping Olivia, a unique child with her own very special set of tendencies, with her homework?
Is that really too much to ask?
PS Please note that Tom was probably very much oblivious to my own inner through process that went from him saying how much Kay is enjoying homeschooling to me thinking that I’m the absolute worst mother in the entire world since I don’t enjoy sitting with my seventh grader ‘helping’ her with her homework. Yes, it was 99% me and my own neuroses.

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

Pause

I didn’t mean to hit pause on this blog.
There were a few things that made me stop posting.
First, the formatting is driving me crazy. I had to google how to make it show paragraph spaces. I know, big deal. But sometimes, the smallest things can bring things to a screeching halt.
Second, I’m kind of tired of hearing myself whine. I feel so ridiculous. I’m 50 years old. I should have my shit together, damn it.
Third…Tom is on our family computer pretty much all evening every evening and I don’t know my phone well enough (hello, I’m 50 years old) to post from there.
I’m going to try though. I still have some things to say, some things to work through.
I’m sorry.