Thursday, April 16, 2020

Home

The last day I went to work was Friday, April 10. On Thursday, April 9, my doctor sent a letter to my place of employment stating that as a former cancer patient, one who'd been through chemotherapy and radiation, it was his medical opinion that I should self-quarantine for at least two weeks.

So I'm home. And I'm SO LUCKY that I'm currently home with full pay. Please know that I realize how lucky I am. SO LUCKY.

The stress level in our house went from explosive to manageable that Thursday night when I got home and told my family that I was going to be at home with them for the next two weeks.

Things had gotten rough in the days before my doctor's note arrived at my work.

Olivia and Tom were at constant odds over school work.

I'd get home from what felt like eighteen hours at work and before I'd even put my purse down, Tom would be informing me that he needed my help with O's schooling. She'd need my attention, Alyssa would want to show me a TikTok.

It was hard for all of us.

I've been home for six full days and things have settled into a routine. We had our best, most productive 'school' day yesterday.

We're doing our best, just like everyone else is.

And I know that we're some of the lucky ones. We have income, even though we're all at home. We have money for food, we can pay our mortgage. We aren't sick. We have each other and even if that sometimes feels overwhelming, we're so lucky.

I've made masks and we wear them if we have to go out into public. Alyssa wears one to work each time she had to work. Tom wears his to the post office.

My 80 year old dad is NOT social distancing. He goes to his local gas station every single day to buy a newspaper. My brother and I have had to tell him point blank not to come to our house.

I made my dad a mask. He drove to our house and I met him in the driveway to give it to him. He went to his nephew's house for Easter dinner. Sigh. That nephew is NOT social distancing either. He's 70 years old and says, "If I get it, I get it."

What the actual hell, Phil!?!

Okay, so if YOU get it, you get it but you know what? If you're going out and about after YOU'RE infected, YOU are not the only one getting it, dumb ass.

It makes me so angry because those of us who are trying so hard to flatten this curve are being sabotaged by idiots like him.

I'm so glad to be home. I'm go grateful that I can be here, helping Liv with her school work, watching TikToks with Alyssa. Feeding my family, both with actual food and with the spiritual, emotional support that we all need.

I just wish the idiots out there would get it together and stop thinking that this isn't a big deal.

It's a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

The Children

These are trying times, no?

Yes. Yes, they are trying.

The governor of Ohio closed schools for the first time on March 12. The last day the girls were in school was Friday, March 13. They came home with Chromebooks.

That first ‘closing’ was supposed to be for three weeks. The tentative restart date was April 6.

Unless you live under a rock (can I move in with you?) you probably know that that date has been pushed back to May 1 and there are murmurs about it school not resuming at all for the rest of this school year.

We’re all under a ‘shelter in place’ warning. Of course, that doesn’t mean a thing to me, I go to work every single damn day anyway.

And guess what? I’m not a doctor or a nurse. I’m NOT important and yet here I am.

But my family is at home and that television is on all the time. And it’s all news, or rather, it’s nothing new. It’s all about death and destruction and illness and scary shit and Olivia is losing her mind.

I recently got home on a Tuesday and she was drawing at the kitchen table. Which is nice. She was wearing a purple one-shouldered dress. She looked lovely and yet…she’s haunted right now.

By 6:30, she’d worked herself into quite a lather.

She wanted to write her Gram a letter but didn’t know what to write. She is bored and tired and stressed and at 13, she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions.

I fed her some dinner. She cried.

I ran her a bath. She cried.

I washed her hair. She cried.

We called her Gram. She cried.

I gave her some hot tea and a cookie. She felt a little better.

She’s scared. She’s young and fragile and scared. She doesn’t want to die. She doesn’t want her mom or her dad or her sister or her Gram to die.

I hugged her and told her we’re doing all we can so that none of us will die.

I finally asked her if she’d like to me to take a couple of days off work to spend with her.

That brightened her up.

We made plans for those days. We planned to go outside and draw on the driveway with chalk, go to the school and pick up pies that had been ordered months ago for the prom that will probably not happen (have I mentioned how glad I am that I didn’t buy a prom dress yet?) After we pick up the pies, we planned to take the ones my mom ordered to her, maintaining our distance, of course.

The, the next day, our big plan was to go through the McD’s drive-through in Montpelier. Mama needs her coke and Olivia needs to get out of the house, away from the house, even if for a little while.

Tough times, indeed.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Please Leave Your Babies at Home!!!

Everyone in the entire world is on lockdown, right?

Or, we’re supposed to be, right?

My place of employment is still open and so I’m still going to work. Sigh. I feel guilty every single day as I drive away from my home.

I’ve gone to the grocery store once a week, right after work, since this all began (two whole weeks ago…has it really only been that long?)

The first week, right after Ohio closed schools, my mom, Olivia and I went to lunch and the grocery store as usual. We also went to Hobby Lobby for some sewing supplies.

It was insane; not Hobby Lobby, that place was the epitome of calm and collected.

Applesbees wasn’t too bad either. They’d taken all the advertising tents and condiment trays off the tables for cleaning and business was kind of slow but it was only 11:30, so who knows how much busier it got that day.

But Walmart…OMG. Seriously.

The shelves were picked over. There was no pasta, no ramen, no potatoes. Obviously, there was no toilet paper. We didn’t even need toilet paper and yet…it was daunting to know that it wasn’t available had we needed it.

I got most of what we needed and we went to Meijer to see if they had potatoes. They did. We got a small bag. Oh, Meijer also had toilet paper that day. We didn’t actually need any, but I bought two 8-roll packages anyway. Oh. Wait. Does that make me a toilet paper hoarder? Yikes.

The next week, I went to Walmart on Friday after work. Well, wait. I actually left work that Friday at about 3:30 in hopes of beating any rush.

My early departure was in vain. There were STILL no potatoes, ramen, pasta or toilet paper but also, there was no bread whatsoever. Milk and eggs were plentiful but the Country Crock shelves were empty as were the Pillsbury biscuit shelves.

I went to Meijer AGAIN, this time for the bread. Again, Meijer had plenty of bread and they had three packs of toilet paper. These were labeled as ‘RV toilet paper.’ I have no idea what that means. I did NOT get toilet paper that day. Look at me, letting go of my hoarding ways.

Anyway…

This past week, week two of the girls being off school but it feels like we’re heading into week three, if you know what I mean, I went on our grocery run on Thursday after work. I kind of wanted to see if the shelves are different on a Thursday than they were on Friday.

There were potatoes! And toilet paper! Oh, and pasta and bread were on the shelves too. Alas, still no ramen. What the hell?

Ahem.

So I got my usual groceries.

As I made my way through the store, getting the things on my list, I came across no fewer than three families, FAMILIES, in that store.

And by family, I mean, there were two parents and AT LEAST two kids. Two of these families had a toddler and an INFANT with them.

What I want to know is WHY COULDN’T ONE OF THOSE PARENTS HAVE STAYED HOME WITH THOSE KIDS? I know. I need to calm down and stop screaming at you.

But people, seriously!

I’m so freaking resentful that I, and I alone, have to go out and work and buy groceries. I would give anything to be ‘sheltering at home’ with my family.

But I’m out there, going to work, buying groceries, getting gas for my car, blah blah freaking blah and these people are taking their BABIES out in this. Why? Why would you do that?

Sure, we’re all going a little stir-crazy. (Okay, I’m not but that’s because I don’t get to be ‘stuck’ at home.) But is that really reason enough to take your INFANTS out to a place like Walmart where germs are crawling all over the place, people are coughing and sneezing and it’s just GROSS.

Those poor babies!

Why, yes, it does appear that I’m becoming a germaphobe.

Friday, April 10, 2020

On the Bright-ish Side

On the Bright Side

-With the girls out of school, I only have to pack my own lunch each evening.

-I only have to get myself ready for work each day. Lest you think this means I look more put-together since I’m not spending at least five minutes braiding Liv’s hair each morning, oh, no, no, no. That’s not the case at all. What it really means is that I hit the snooze button at least one more time each morning.

-Olivia has chores now. CHORES. She gets to use a Clorox wipe(s) and clean the doorknobs, light switches, toilet handles, stair rails, etc. All the places in the house that are frequently touched by everyone and anyone entering the house.

-I am not the ‘work-at-home’ parent and as such, I don’t have to be the one who nags and nags and nags Olivia to eat her lunch, only to be asked ten minutes after lunch is over if she can have a snack. The brightest of bright sides.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

The Early Days

Author's Note: This was written in the early days of the pandemic, as a sort of journal. Sorry for the lateness in posting but...it's already gone on long enough that this is almost like a flashback. A look at the 'normal' days.

March 18, 2020 – Day 5

It doesn’t feel real. I know this isn’t the end of the world but things are changing so fast.

The girls school had spring break scheduled for this week so we’re going with that. We aren’t enforcing any schedules, except that I still go to be pretty early since I’m still going to work each day and since Olivia won’t go to bed after I do, she’s going to be fairly early too.

But they’re both sleeping in and just relaxing all day every day.

On Tuesday, March 17 (St. Patrick’s Day for anyone keeping track) when I got home the sun was shining. The temps were only in the mid-40s but I still suggested we all go outside. I felt like we needed the fresh air, the sunshine, even the brisk wind blowing in our faces.

Alyssa rollerbladed on the driveway. I walked laps around the driveway. Tom wandered through the yard and Olivia ran back and forth between the three of us. The cat watched all the antics with the bored stare of a superior being.

We were outside for almost an hour and it was fabulous. Sure, we were chilly when we went in for dinner but it was some much needed outside time.

It’s supposed to rain for the next several days and then…we’ll be in the new week with new expectations.

I have a suggested schedule for Olivia in hopes of keeping her brain from atrophying. She needs to do some work each day. She also needs to get outside and move. Since I have to work, I will have to rely on Tom and Alyssa to help Liv maintain her schedule.

I’ll be sure and report on how well that works out for us.

As of day 5 of the suggested self-quarantines, my dad is still out and about. Have I mentioned that he’s 80 years old? I don’t know. I mean, he’s lonely, I get it. He lives with my sister in her house with five other adults, three kids eleven and under and two stupid yappy dogs.

Four of the other five adults in that house smoke. My dad smells awful whenever he comes to see me. I feel terrible for him. I know he leaves that house because he has to get away. But he needs to move back to his own house where he doesn’t have to breathe second-hand smoke, listen to those horrible dogs and the bratty kids. If he were to move back to his own house, I’d be willing to go get groceries for him and check on him several times a week but I don’t know if he could bring himself to stay home.

I just don’t know.

Tom thinks the girls and I should stay away from my mom and step-dad. My mom disagrees.

Olivia’s anxiety about this virus is through the roof. She asks daily if animals can get it, if kids get sick. If people are dying. How honest should we be? I’ve gently reminded her that the flu is actually more dangerous to kids her age and pointed out that for the last two years, she’s had the flu on spring break. And it in the end, she was fine, so…

Alyssa still has to go to work even though eat-in dining has been restricted. The drive-thru is still open as if the lobby for food to go. So yes, she’s still being exposed to the general public and I’m not sure how I feel about that. But we’ll take each day as we can. It’s all we can do.

One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Right?

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Flashing Back

Author's note, this was written in the early days of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Social distancing is all well and good but some of us still have to go to work.

I do not have a job that can be done from home. Sadly.

But hey, you know what? I’m lucky I have a job that I’m still able to do during this time of crisis.

Alyssa came home from work on Sunday, March 15th and said that the governor of Ohio had declared that all restaurants and bars were to close. She did say that her managers had said that if employees were scheduled to work, they should still show up, they could clean, help with the attached convenience store and the drive-thru would still be open and food would need to be prepared for that.

So.

Walmart was out of potatoes and ramen; and, obviously, toilet paper. Meier, located less than a mile from Walmart, had plenty of potatoes, 15 packages of beef ramen and some toilet paper. They were limiting the amount of toilet paper each person was allowed to buy, but that was understandable.

We didn’t even need toilet paper. But we did need potatoes and ramen.

Speaking of ramen, I get that with kids home from school for at least three weeks, we all have to feed them as conveniently and cheaply as possible. I mean, that’s actually why I was even looking for it. It’s one of the few foods that Olivia will eat with minimal nagging.

We decided that this first week off school is going to be treated as spring break since that was the original schedule.

But the following weeks, ugh. I don’t envy Tom and yet, I kind of do. He’s going to have to police screen time and make sure that Olivia does actual school work while she’s off during these coming weeks. I pointed out that we have her daily scheduled posted on our fridge. She needs to adhere to that, even if it’s a loose adherence. I suggested that she try and keep to the schedule at least half way. As in, if, when she’s in school she’d do math for 40 minutes, at home she should do 20 minutes.

Recess! Get that child outside. She can’t be allowed to sit on her butt for twelve to fifteen hours a day while she’s home from school. She needs to get outside and run, or just sit and let the wind blow off the germs.

She has gym two days a week. I think Tom could very well institute a PE period at home. In fact, I think he’d be good at this.

Alyssa could help Liv with the other ‘specials’ which include art, music, and technology.

I’m just rambling here but these are scary times. I’ve read enough apocalyptic fiction to know that the world can go to hell overnight. But I also know that we have a lot of precautions being implemented so that doesn’t happen.

We’re still going to the eye doctor and the dentist. We’re still going to the grocery store. We’ll go through the drive-thru for food because that’s the only option these days and that’s okay.

Let’s all do what we can to remove the panic while still keeping our distance and not gathering in crowded areas.

Olivia’s hands are chapped from over-washing but these days, is there any such thing? I’ve slathered her hands with Mary Kay satin hands, a very waxy substance that helps her skin retain its own natural moisture.

And on that note…

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

What's Getting Low? A Look Inside the Mind During the Covid-19 Pandemic/Quarantine

Other than morale, what’s getting low in your house?

I might need to buy tooth paste next time I go to the store. The four of us all use a different tooth paste, which I admit is stupid and yet…none of us is willing to switch to one of the others’ choice so…four tubes of tooth paste it is.

And I’m the one getting low on my Sensodyne.

What else?

Hair color! Yikes, my roots are starting to show and NO ONE wants to see that.

We’re going to need milk this week.

And probably snack cakes.

Let me check the status of the Cheez-Its.

Tom probably needs pretzel rods.

I should start a list.

Wait, I do that already. We have a running list on the microwave. I’ve got things that I get every week because they’re staples. Those things are typed on a list and there’s space at the bottom to add unique things.

I should probably get some more feminine hygiene products…those are something a house with two teenage girls does NOT want to run out of.

Should I get some ground turkey? What will I make with it if I do? Tom has a bunch of frozen chicken breasts that he can make so…

This is all so unprecedented. No one knows how long it’s going to last. Will the kids go back to school at all for this school year?

Who knows?

Monday, April 6, 2020

Morbid

My health insurance pays me to do things like get a flu shot (wonder if in the future it will pay us to get a corona shot? Hmmm…) and verify that I’m tobacco-free.

I also got $$ for taking a health assessment.

And guess what?

I’m morbidly obese.

Duh.

Please note that my health insurance is as obnoxious as my radiation oncologist.

And yet, reading this news on a computer screen wasn’t nearly as devastating to my psyche as it was hearing from face to face from a doctor’s actual mouth last June.

But whatever.

Even though my insurance thinks I’m a fatty, they still gave me money for doing that assessment. Wonder if they’d give me more if I adopted a healthier lifestyle.

Now there’s incentive…

(For reference as to how much I really need some sort of incentive: As I typed this post, I had just finished a Reese’s cup, the second cup sitting in front of my keyboard taunting me.)

Friday, April 3, 2020

The Bad Years

Maybe it’s just a symptom of getting older.

Maybe I’m turning into a pessimist right before your eyes.

Maybe these past few years have just sucked.

You be the judge.

2017 – In July of that year, I was informed that the company I worked for was closing down the facility where I and around 30 other people worked. I’d been there for seventeen years. Yikes. Nothing like starting over, right? On the bright side of that situation, they told us in July but weren’t closing until the end of December. And those of us who stayed on with the company would receive a ‘stay package’ as well as a severance package.

But wait, 2017 wasn’t done with us yet. In August, on the 21st to be exact, I was given a diagnosis of breast cancer.

Well.

Let’s do this. I was given an appointment with a surgeon for the next Thursday, August 24. At that appointment we scheduled my surgery, which took place on September 5th. It was a Tuesday.

After surgery, we scheduled the start of chemo. Those treatments took us into 2018.

2018 actually wasn’t too horrible. I completed my cancer treatment, finishing chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I took the summer off and started looking for a job in July of that year.

I started my new job in August of 2018.

2019 – The year of injury. Tom hurt himself a couple of times this year. Each injury was bad enough that it took him out of commission for a couple of months each time.

It was awful to see him suffer.

The farmers also suffered during 2019. The rains seemed like they would never end. It was literally too wet for most farmers in our area to get the crops in the ground.

2020 – Damn. Talk about adding insult to injury. Hello Covid-19, way to turn the world upside down.

I don’t have a pretty little conclusion to this one, because right this second we’re stuck right in the middle of this shit storm. But it’s bad…it’s really, REALLY bad. And it will probably get much worse before it gets better.

That’s such a scary thought. But then…it’s a scary world out there right now.

And damn it, I just cannot stop touching my face. My nose itches, my eyelashes are being weird. Oh, that spot above my eyebrows is itchy now. Wait, there’s a hair in my eyes.

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Doom

This was written not quite a week into our government-enforced semi-shut-in, I was feeling quite a sense of doom.

I’m so tired. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. This whole Covid-19 situation is taking its toll on all of us.

Alyssa had most of the first week (spring break week) out of school off work as well but had to go back on Thursday. When I got home from work that Thursday, Tom mentioned he was thinking of sending me out to Arby’s to check out Alyssa’s work environment.

Why he’d have to send me, I have no idea. I mean, the dude can drive a car. He has $$ if he wants to actually buy something while there but no, he was going to SEND ME back out. Sigh.

Alas, he took one look at my face and realized that I was going NO WHERE that evening. In fact, the only place I went from that point, was to sleep. Ha, I crack myself up.

But seriously, the weight of world is heavy these days.

Italy is dying.

The U.S. is right behind it.

I just…don’t know.

And, to be a whiny baby, I can’t help but wonder why I, the person in our household who is probably the most at risk should I catch this horrible illness, am the one who is going out every single day to work and then being expected to go to the store, the gas station, the wherever the hell you might think of to go. I know. I get it. I’m the one who HAS to leave in order to make a living.

But it feels so unfair.

When I got home that day, Tom said that Alyssa was starting to get anxious. I replied that I am too.

But, jokes on me, her anxiousness is about being locked in the house and my anxiousness is having to leave the house.

She wants to get out. She wants to go see Naomi. She wants to be FREE.

I want to be shut in, I want to NOT have to go anywhere. I want to be shut in and have the façade of safety.

I want this to be over and for our entire family to come out the other side, safe and sound.

My chest hurts these days. Is it anxiety/panic/worry? Or is it a heart attack and should I risk the doctor’s office to have it check out? It’s awful that this is even a question, isn’t it?