Passive

I hate that I’m passive. I hate that I’m passive-aggressive. I hate that I’m teaching this to my children. I hate that I’m so very much like my dad in this manner.

There are a lot of things that bother me these days and yet, I just sit and seethe over them instead of speaking up. Instead of opening my mouth and saying, “No. Different is not wrong.”

I need to do this, if not for myself but for my girls. They need to hear me speak up for myself and for them. They need to learn that it’s okay to speak up when you feel like someone is stepping all over your rights, your opinions, your thoughts.

I want to stop being passive.

Now…this doesn’t mean I want to become aggressive. I’d like to figure out house to lose the passive-aggressive part of my personality without it becoming just plain aggressive. I want to assert myself with kindness, with love.

See, I don’t like confrontation. At all. I just don’t. It makes me uncomfortable, it makes me cry. And damn, I HATE it when I cry because that just proves the other person ‘right’ or lets them get away with saying obnoxious things like, “Let’s discuss this later when you’re not so emotional.” Yeah, because we all know that ‘later’ will never arrive.

I’ve always wanted to make everyone happy. I’m an oldest child, I’m the one who fixes everything for everyone else.

Except, who’s going to fix it for me? Who’s going to stand up for me? I guess I’m going to have to do that.

So…here goes. One day at a time. One conversation at a time. I’m going to try very hard to stop just letting things go, stop just keeping the peace. I’m going to try and model strong, assertive behavior to my girls. All I can do is try.