Guilt

I do still have a bit of survivor’s guilt.

I know how lucky/blessed I am to still be here, loving my family, mothering my children, wifing my husband.

I wonder why I got to stay, why I got to live and Amy didn’t.

Okay, so yes, her kids were ‘grown’ when she died. But…they aren’t that old. Her son was 22 and her daughter was 18 when she died. Her daughter had just gotten married. Amy’s first grandchild was born nine and a half months after Amy died.

Amy loved babies. She LOVED babies. She would have adored that little girl so, so much.

I know she’s still loving her from heaven. I know this. And yet…it’s so unfair that she isn’t here, living on this earth, holding that baby, kissing her, hugging her. Helping H as she figures out motherhood.

I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way.

When we were kids, Amy was the caregiver of all us who were younger than she was. Chet and I were only thirteen months younger than Amy and yet she was always trying to mother us.

She’d want me to embrace my life, to love my babies and celebrate every single day I’m here. She’d want me to run through sprinklers, to drink that strawberry lemonade, eat another piece of cake and laugh long and loud with my daughters.

I cried for her. I cried hard. I still have moments of grief. But I know she loved hard in her 48 years on this earth and she’s still loving hard from afar (or may not so far away, who really knows?)

When I dream of Amy, she’s always so happy. She’s healthy and beautiful and young and she’s smiling. She’s full of life and love and I know…I know she’d want me to be that way in the here and now.

So I’m going to try. I’m going to try and let go of the guilt. I’m going to try and live this one life I have to the fullest, loving as much as Amy did, laughing as much as she did, holding babies every chance I get and hugging my girls for as long as they’ll let me.

Instead of feeling guilty that I’m still here and she’s not, I’m going to try and live the way she would be living if she were here, unapologetically, unfiltered, unfettered by guilt.