Milestones

There are big things happening around here but because it’s of a personal nature concerning one my children, I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it.

But it’s just so awesome that I want to shout it from the rooftops.

Except, I don’t think she’d want that.

On the other hand, that’s the only thing I can think about it because it’s such a big deal.

It’s one of those things that usually happens naturally around three or four but in our house, it took much longer.

I’m sorry to be vague and we all know that I’m a chronic over-sharer but this time, I don’t want to embarrass her.

I do think that the medicine Olivia is taking has helped move this situation along. She no longer needs the crutch she’d needed for so long. The anxiety she had over the idea of giving it up seems to be gone.

Sure, the first day was a little worrying for her but she let go of the worry so much faster than she would have a month ago when she wasn’t taking Lexapro.

In other news, my aunt died and my mom’s grief is currently manifesting itself as anger. So that’s super fun and it probably deserves a post of its own.

On the lighter side, Olivia has discovered the word anus. She thinks it’s the best word ever and uses it every chance she gets…better than butthole? You be the judge.

Placebo

I wonder if I should have told Olivia’s teacher that we were putting her on medication and then, you know, NOT given Liv the meds right away. Just to see what happened.

See, I think maybe the medicine is working but not necessarily in the way we think it should work.

I think that knowing she’s on medication, it’s making me and her teacher both more patient with her.

That’s not really fair to her, is it?

Let me give you tell you a homework story (there are already so many of those but this one is different):

We sat down to do social studies homework. Olivia told me that they’d been in groups that day in class and each student had read aloud a paragraph of the article we were using to do her homework. She pointed out that the members of her group didn’t make her read aloud. Ha. That’s my girl.

So I read the questions on the back of the article than turned it over and read through the article to find the answers. I’d ask Liv if she agreed with the answers I’d found, she’d nod and then she’d write the answers.

She erased maybe three times over the course of the five questions that required full-sentence answers and three definitions.

Let me repeat, she erased maybe three times.

This is the child who has been known to erase the same number five times before I lose my stupid mind and scream at her to, for the love of Pete, STOP ERASING!

So, was this non-erasing event due to the Lexapro taking affect in her brain, letting her relax and not NEED to erase every other letter or was it due to my patience and kindness and loving attention that kept me from being a raging bitch and hovering over every single word she wrote?

Maybe we’ll never know.

But whatever the case, it seems to be working for school too.

Her teacher writes me a little note each day just reporting on whether Liv had a good day or a rough day.

Since starting the medicine, she’s had good days.

In fact, her teacher reports that she’s completing her work each day and has, in the span of a week on the medicine, moved up a level in reading.

Is it her? Is it us? Is it a combination of the two?

I don’t know and I don’t really care. I’m just glad FOR HER that her days are calmer, better, that the people around her are kinder and more patient with her.

January 14

Alyssa turned 17 on this day. (She deserves her own post about this awesome event...it will happen.)

On this day also, Olivia started a very low dose of Lexapro. We’ll see what happens.

I communicated with her teacher that this was happening. She’s going to keep a daily log of O’s attention, her anxiety, her willingness to work.

She takes the pill in the evening.

The first day after the first pill, her teacher reported that Olivia seemed attentive and finished all her work.

Well, sure, but it was also her first day back to school after being out for two days due to illness. So take that for what it’s worth.

I did not see any difference in her ability/willingness to write spelling words. She still erased every other word at least three times. So yeah, that was super fun for me.

I finally just stopped watching her do the work. I still sat next to her but rather than sigh and grumble and make awful faces at her, I checked FB, Instagram, etc. while she wrote and erased and wrote and erased, and on and on. Every so often I’d tell her how great she was doing and then stop watching her again. It worked and it only took her twenty minutes to write eighteen words. I’m calling it a win.

But obviously, it couldn’t have been the medicine. I mean, one pill isn’t going to work miracles. We have to give it time.

I have this grand fantasy that this medicine will suddenly break down her walls, rewire her brain and let her shine. I imagine all the thoughts in her head finally being able to come out, spewing forth all that is so amazing about her but that is currently stuck inside her because of whatever blocks 5p- has built up in her.

I realize this probably isn’t going to happen but I can’t help but dream, hope, pray.

And then I realize that if it does all happen, if she makes a huge breakthrough, I’m going to feel awful for not seeking medicinal treatment years ago.

A couple of years ago, one of the school psychologists suggested we medicate Liv. I resisted. I didn’t (and honestly, still don’t, not really) want drugs flooding her system. But these days we’re having more bad days than good and so we have to try something to help her.

Our doctor also said he could refer O to a psychiatrist.

I didn’t take him up on that. Not because I don’t like psychiatrists, but because I don’t think, at this moment in time, Olivia would speak to a psychiatrist. She wouldn’t get anything out of seeing someone because her inability to speak to anyone other than a select few people would keep the doctor from helping her. So…if the Lexapro helps, if it breaks down those barriers and allows her to start speaking to more than her immediate family, we’ll see about that psychiatrist.

One step at a time.

Anxiety

The first couple of weeks back to school after Christmas break have been tough. Olivia’s stress levels seem to be up.

A few IEP sessions ago, the school psychologist suggested giving her something for anxiety.

At that time, I was skeptical. I didn’t see her as anxious.

But these days…well, there might be something to it.

She gets anxious as the slightest hint of a change to her routine. The moment someone seems to maybe, even a little bit, be mad or annoyed with her, she shuts down. I can almost see her walls go up and her brain shut down. Once that happens, she’s completely derailed from whatever task someone wants her to do.

It drives me crazy and it breaks my heart.

I know she doesn’t do any of this on purpose but if maybe, just maybe, we can give her something, a medicine, that will help ease the anxiety that causes her this stress, well, wouldn’t it be worth it? I think yes. It will be worth it to me, to her teachers, and most of all, to her. To give her some relief from her constant worry, the stress of what comes next, the anxiety of how each day is going to unfold.

So we’re going to try.

My nephew has been on ritolin (she’s not going to be taking ritolin) for years. My brother tried taking him off it at the beginning of the year and it has been a disaster. He just can’t concentrate. So he’s going back on his meds.

There is no shame in using the tools available to help our children reach their fullest potential.

I have fought to keep Olivia off medication for most of her life but it’s time to give her some relief. If it doesn’t work, she doesn’t have to keep taking the meds. If there are side effects that outweigh the benefits, we can stop the meds. But we have to try.