Monday, February 3, 2020

January 14

Alyssa turned 17 on this day. (She deserves her own post about this awesome event...it will happen.)

On this day also, Olivia started a very low dose of Lexapro. We’ll see what happens.

I communicated with her teacher that this was happening. She’s going to keep a daily log of O’s attention, her anxiety, her willingness to work.

She takes the pill in the evening.

The first day after the first pill, her teacher reported that Olivia seemed attentive and finished all her work.

Well, sure, but it was also her first day back to school after being out for two days due to illness. So take that for what it’s worth.

I did not see any difference in her ability/willingness to write spelling words. She still erased every other word at least three times. So yeah, that was super fun for me.

I finally just stopped watching her do the work. I still sat next to her but rather than sigh and grumble and make awful faces at her, I checked FB, Instagram, etc. while she wrote and erased and wrote and erased, and on and on. Every so often I’d tell her how great she was doing and then stop watching her again. It worked and it only took her twenty minutes to write eighteen words. I’m calling it a win.

But obviously, it couldn’t have been the medicine. I mean, one pill isn’t going to work miracles. We have to give it time.

I have this grand fantasy that this medicine will suddenly break down her walls, rewire her brain and let her shine. I imagine all the thoughts in her head finally being able to come out, spewing forth all that is so amazing about her but that is currently stuck inside her because of whatever blocks 5p- has built up in her.

I realize this probably isn’t going to happen but I can’t help but dream, hope, pray.

And then I realize that if it does all happen, if she makes a huge breakthrough, I’m going to feel awful for not seeking medicinal treatment years ago.

A couple of years ago, one of the school psychologists suggested we medicate Liv. I resisted. I didn’t (and honestly, still don’t, not really) want drugs flooding her system. But these days we’re having more bad days than good and so we have to try something to help her.

Our doctor also said he could refer O to a psychiatrist.

I didn’t take him up on that. Not because I don’t like psychiatrists, but because I don’t think, at this moment in time, Olivia would speak to a psychiatrist. She wouldn’t get anything out of seeing someone because her inability to speak to anyone other than a select few people would keep the doctor from helping her. So…if the Lexapro helps, if it breaks down those barriers and allows her to start speaking to more than her immediate family, we’ll see about that psychiatrist.

One step at a time.

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