Court TV

My husband loves watching the trials that are televised and commenting on them as they happen.

These days, it’s the Harvey Weinstein trial.

Recently, Tom, an old white dude, said something about not understanding why a woman who’d been raped would maintain a relationship with the man who raped her; which led to his hesitant belief that maybe some of the accusers were lying.

*Sigh*

I tried to explain it to him. I told him that some of the victims (most? All?) were aspiring actresses. They wanted to make it in a highly competitive industry. HW was a very influential man in that industry. These women, these VICTIMS, knew that to cut off all interactions with HW could detrimentally affect their careers.

Tom didn’t understand how a career could be more important than distancing yourself from your rapist.

Again, I tried to explain that sometimes, the least confrontation path is the best.

I told him that at some point in their lives, most women have had to make the decision to acquiesce rather than fight because fighting might make a bad situation worse. I told him that there are women who are afraid to say no to something because saying no is more dangerous than just going through with what’s happening to them. Sometimes, we women just hope to survive whatever is happening so that we can pick up the pieces after it’s over.

I know he didn’t get it.

I don’t think, even with my explanations, he CAN get. He’s never been afraid to walk alone at night.

He’s never been afraid to go walk to his car in a parking garage.

He’s never hesitated about getting into an elevator because it’s already occupied by a man or even scarier, by men.

He’s never felt like he had to glance over his shoulder as he’s leaving the mall, fearing for his safety on the walk to his car.

He’s white. He’s a man. He’s in the majority and he feels the safety of that. He can’t possibly understand how those who are not white men feel.

I think he tries…a little.

But I could feel the doubt in his mind where those women were concerned even after I’d explained how it was very possible for a woman who’d been raped to maintain a relationship with the man who’d raped her.

I kind of wanted to tell him to read the room. Remember who was speaking to him. Perhaps, for one moment, think about the fact that I, a woman, will absolutely understand another woman’s mind, her fears, her motivations, better than he ever possibly could. Hell, I might be wrong but I’m more likely to be right than he is.

And hey, maybe…just maybe, he should consider the fact that I know what I’m talking about when I talk about ‘rhetorical’ fears. Perhaps I even know from experience. I don’t think he’s EVER considered that possibility.