Down Time

Before I became a mother, I knew that when I did become a mother, my time would no longer be my own.

Even when I was pregnant with Alyssa, as that last month wound down and the end of the pregnancy loomed, I knew what I was in for. I knew that the moment she was born, my life as I knew it would change. I knew it and I dreaded it even as I yearned to hold her and see her and learn her.

I still worried a bit over the loss of time and self and independence. I wanted that baby. She was planned and yearned for and still I fretted over the changes I knew were coming.

I loved having her inside me, knowing where she was at all times, knowing she was being nurtured and loved right there with me.

And when she was born that sense of responsibility started immediately. I knew she needed me and I wanted to be there for her. Even in the hospital, with the nurses urging me to sleep and let them care for her I wanted her with me, to be the one who took care of her from the beginning even though I knew we were in this for the long haul.

Almost ten years later, I find myself yearning for a little down time, some moments where I can just be me, Tommie, instead of the constant on-call Mom.

Obviously, I wouldn’t trade my girls for anything but…a few hours at night to sleep uninterrupted would be very, very nice.

Olivia woke up about three times last night. She is not a child who wakes up, rolls over and goes back to sleep. She wants company in the darkness, she wants reassurance that I’m there, that my hand will rub her back, that my lips will kiss her face and I will smooth her hair out of her eyes. She wants to be able to put my fingers right on the spot that itches on her arm and know I’ll sooth the itch, that my arm will pillow her head as she drifts back to sleep.

But I’m so tired.

I’ve mentioned that Alyssa was a terrible sleeper as an infant. She woke many times in the night until she was two years old. And even after that, she tended to wake at least ones a night for a few more years.

As she looks toward her tenth birthday, she’s an awesome sleeper. She still tends to wake up earlier than I’d prefer, she does manage not to wake me in the night. This, I appreciate.

I know that O’s sleeping habits will mature and she’ll stop needing me quite so much. I try to enjoy this needy stage if only because I know it won’t last but I do so wish her neediness didn’t have to come at 2am each and every night.

A couple of nights a week? Okay, fine, we can handle that. But every single night? I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve been tired for almost ten years.

We’ve got a busy weekend planned. I probably have more plans for this weekend than I have any other weekend of 2012. As I sit here and complain about having no down time, I remember that I’m seeing a movie with my mom this evening, going to her house with the girls tomorrow to make gingerbread houses and then on Sunday, Tom and I are going bowling while my mom babysits.

We have lots of down time planned and I’m grateful.

I still cry out for a little more down time at night. And I won’t apologize for that. Not today.