I Know I Can Because I Do

One of the benefits of not getting Olivia’s diagnosis until she was two years old is that I never wondered if I could parent a child with special needs. I never worried that I couldn’t handle it because I was handling it. I had been handling it for over two years before we got the official diagnosis.

By the time we got the 5p- diagnosis, we were actually in a much better place than we’d been during O’s infancy, when we were being told by doctor after doctor that she was fine, she was going to catch up, she was just loud but not sick. No, not sick at all.

I read about parents who worry about being able to care for a sick or special needs child and I want to hug them. I want to tell them that it’ll be okay, even if it isn’t okay.

We do what we have to do. We care for our children as needed.

My cousin, Holly, knew at 18 weeks pregnant that she was going to have a child with medical issues. She found out in her 32nd week of pregnancy that her daughter was going to have even more problems than they’d found at 18 weeks. She went into parenting knowing it was going to be tough, but she also knew she loved her daughter before she was born. She was willing to do whatever it took to give her daughter the best life she could have.

Those of us who don’t find out during pregnancy, aren’t quite as prepared but we manage.

Even though Olivia spent eleven days in the NICU, when she came home, I thought we were good to go. I thought we’d settle into being a family of four. I thought O would be much the same as A had been as a baby. I knew to expect fussiness and sleeplessness. I knew nursing wouldn’t be easy (can we say non-existent for both girls?) and I knew I’d hate pumping with a fiery passion.

But I didn’t know she’d cry pretty much non-stop for the first six months of her life. I didn’t know she’d fail to reach milestone after milestone. I didn’t expect t start therapies when she was a year old. I had no clue that we’d end up with a genetic anomaly as a diagnosis.

But by the time we got that diagnosis, I’d already proven to myself and everyone else that I could do this. I could be Olivia’s mom.

I’d also proven that I could parent a child with delays while still being a pretty damned good mom to my firstborn. I’ll admit, that was a fear of mine when we decided to have a second child. I worried that Alyssa would suffer and that fear came without knowing about the special needs our second child would bring with her.

The thing is, we all do what we have to do. We do it and we usually do it well because it has to be done so we step up. We take a deep breath and we get on with life.

And that’s what I’d tell any parent who has gotten any diagnosis that brings special needs with it. You can do this. You can keep getting up every single day and making it through meals and homework and therapies and doctors’ appointments. You will do it because the other option…well, most of us don’t feel like there is any other option. We do it because we love our children more than we ever imagined possible and we want more for them than doctors predict is possible and we know, WE KNOW, that our children are more than their diagnosis. We know that our children are individuals with personalities that are unique and their abilities are just as unique and they will surprise people every single day of their lives.

We know this because they have surprised us from the start. The capacity to love is a surprise, the fierce need to protect is a surprise. The joy a smile can bring is a surprise. So yes, sometimes, that surprise diagnosis can be devastating but there is so much good waiting around the corner. So keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get to turn that corner.