Written Friday, December 28:
I sat at my desk the other day and ate old, stale M&Ms. I know, you wouldn’t think M&Ms, with their colorful candy coating would go stale. Trust me, they do. Yech.
So why was I eating them?
Duh, because they were there.
To my credit, I did stop after realizing how truly stale they were. There were fourteen left when I threw them away; two red, two orange, two yellow, two green and six blue.
Maybe that’s my biggest problem.
Everything feels stale these days. My attitude is stale, my drive. Everything about me is stale. I eat too much, I don’t move enough. I don’t take care of myself the way I take care of my family.
Speaking of my family, my life with them is good. Tom is good, he makes me laugh and I believe I make him laugh too. We are kind to each other and I don’t feel the need to make faces at him as he walks away the way I did a couple of years ago.
The girls, oh my goodness, my girls are so amazing.
Olivia needed an adjustment to her glasses recently and we did a walk-in at her eye doctor’s office. The nice lady who adjusts glasses frames was so patient.
But Olivia was awesome. She used her words. To the best of her ability, she explained how her glasses were bothering her, describing where they were pushing or feeling loose/tight. She had to work so hard to get those words out but they did come out. I was so proud of her I bought her KFC afterward. (Shhh, don’t tell but I was going to get her KFC anyway, but it was a good excuse to get it.)
Alyssa, well, that girl just shines. She painted several pictures as Christmas gifts this year and each recipient was so grateful for her thoughtfulness. She’s got talent oozing out her pores.
I am so very lucky to get to be their mom and maybe that’s where a lot of my fears stem.
I want to keep being their mom. I’m not doing parenting yet.
Several of Alyssa’s friends’ parents are so over parenting these days. They can’t be bothered to know where their kids are or what they’re doing. They don’t go to their kids’ events/performances/games.
I’m not done parenting. I’m not ready to not be here for my girls. Even on my most impatient, tired days, I’m still here, loving my girls, loving my husband, being present in their lives. I don’t want to be done. Please don’t make me be done. I’m not ready for motherhood to join the staleness of other parts of my life.