Who Gets to Decide Who’s Ready For What?

We spent Sunday afternoon in Battle Creek, Michigan with my mom and aunts and cousins. My Auntie L hosted a second annual tea party in Sabella’s honor. Sabella is the daughter of my cousin. She’ll be thirteen in November. She’s wheelchair bound and is ‘homeschooled’. I put that in air quotes because I’m not sure how much schooling she actually gets. She’s incredibly lonely. The school she attended for the first few years of her schooling life was horrible to her and so her mom pulled her out of school, intending to homeschool her. But S is very stubborn and her mom works and so…she doesn’t get much schooling is what I’m saying.

But that’s not actually what this post is about.

It’s about my aunt L and her homophobia.

Let’s back up a bit. Alyssa was hounding me all weekend about leaving this party early because she wanted to go see a movie with N. I’d reminded her several times that she’s pretty much spent the entire previous week with N because FAIR WEEK. She acknowledged this but still wanted us to leave by 3:00 so she could see that movie.

Sigh.

When we got to the party at a little before noon, we were some of the first to arrive. No big deal, we helped with final set up and picked our table.

My cousins E and L arrived soon after we did with E’s daughter S and E’s niece M. M quickly zeroed in on Lyss and they introduced themselves. M is seventeen, though she looks about thirteen. She’s adorable, for what it’s worth.

They became fast friends. It was nice to see.

As the Tea Party got started Auntie L read a letter my cousin H had found in our cousin Amy’s trunk. Remember Amy? She died this past February. Amy had stored some things at H’s house and so H went through them and found a letter that had been sent to my grandmother from her daughter, Debra. Debra died when she was nineteen. This letter had been sent to my grandma just a few months before she died.

After she read the letter, Auntie L talked about when Debra first got sick at thirteen. She said that after Debra came home from the hospital for the first time a couple of neighbors came over to visit. According to Auntie L (who was eleven at the time…for what it’s worth) these neighbors were lesbians and they forced Debra to bathe in front of them. This has made Auntie L hate all lesbians for the rest of time.

She stopped talking at this point and let the subject drop.

I glanced at Lyss to see how she was doing. We’d heard this story before, while Auntie L was cutting my hair several months before. She hadn’t dropped the subject quite as quickly that time.

I could tell from the look in M’s face that Lyss had shared with M the fact that A has a girlfriend.

M asked of Auntie L knows that Lyss has a girlfriend.

I said, “No, I don’t think she’s ready to know.”

M suggested that maybe knowing would make her ready.

And maybe she’s right.

But maybe Lyss isn’t ready to be the post child for lesbians and be the one to make Auntie L rethink every single bias she’s ever had concerning lesbians and bisexual people for the past fifty plus years.

Honestly, to me, this isn’t about Auntie L and her issues, it’s about letting Lyss feel safe. It’s about protecting her and letting her set the tone for when she comes out, to whom she comes out and how far out she’s willing to be at any point in her life. These are not my choices. These are her choices.

And I support them.

While sitting there, I did tell my cousin E about Alyssa and N. We’d shown off Lyss’s homecoming dress and E asked if Lyss was going with a date or if she was going with a bunch of friends.

I told her Lyss was going with a date and then told her about N. I asked Lyss to let me show E a picture of her and N. E was very supportive and asked if Lyss was okay with what Auntie had said.

Lyss confirmed that she was fine.

After that, my mom came over and asked Lyss if she’d found an N charm for the bracelet all the girls were making. We’d found each girls’ own initial but when my mom offered to look for an N for Alyssa, that helped. My mom has had a hard time accepting N but when faced with blatant homophobia, she comes through and for that I’m proud of her and appreciate her.

I will continue to let Alyssa decide when and how she wants to talk about her relationship with N. I will support her however she needs, up to and including telling off a beloved Auntie if that’s what Alyssa needs from me. We keep the lines of communication open and talk about this stuff as much as she wants/lets me. We’re still figuring it all out but at least we’re on the same side…always.