Numb

At my most recent dental cleaning I was told I needed four fillings.

Thank you so much, chemo for the dry mouth that has led to, at most recent count, eleven cavities in two years. Yikes.

And let me tell you, I feel like every subsequent session in which I get fillings is worse than the last. I have to talk myself through these appointments, telling myself not to be such a baby, to suck it up. I remind myself that the drilling, numbness, pain isn’t going to last forever. Nothing lasts forever so grow up and deal.

I only almost cried twice during this latest appointment. Well, wait, I only almost cried once and then, on the drive home, after the appointment, during which I was numb from ear to ear and was having actual trouble swallowing because of my enormous numb tongue in my mouth, I almost cried then too.

But it wasn’t the pain or fear of pain that almost made me cry during the actual appointment. I almost cried when the woman giving me the shots to numb my mouth told me that the worst was over.

I told her that wasn’t actually true because the shots didn’t bother me nearly as much as the drilling and grinding. The smell was awful and the sound of the drill is horrible and the sensation of pressure on my teeth makes me crawl out of my skin. She patted my shoulder and said, “Well, after what you’ve been through, this should be a piece of cake.”

Don’t be nice to me! That’s what makes me cry, damn it.

I haven’t been through any more than anyone else who’d had a major medical issue. Don’t give me more credit than I deserve.

On the way home, I thought about getting there and finding Liv and Tom in their usual places, her on the couch with her tablet and him at the computer. I imagined asking him if Olivia had eaten dinner yet (I wouldn’t be home until after six at this point.) and I imagined him saying she hadn’t and the thought crushed me.

I just couldn’t handle the thought of getting home, helping her with homework AND having to get her dinner around.

At that point, I still couldn’t talk because my entire mouth was numb. I still had to work hard to swallow and yet the coming dull ache was there, right behind the numbness.

But, look at me being all unnecessarily pessimistic. When I got home, Tom and Olivia were at the kitchen table, working on her homework. He looked frazzled and she looked like her usual cheerful self. So that’s a good thing.

I walked in and Tom could tell by looking at me that I was not well.

He told me to go sit down. I shook my head and managed to mumble that I could help with homework. I could read the questions, find the answers and point to them for her to write them down.

We were done forty-five minutes after I got home.

I was still numb even after O was done with her homework.

Tom, bless his soul, heated up dinner for her, which made me entire freaking year, and I settled on the couch where I felt sorry for myself for the rest of the evening.

After this particular filling session, I felt more abused than usual. Apparently, I had some bleeding on the right top part of my mouth.

The dentist put pressure on it. The assistant (What is her actual title? She helps while he’s drilling and she prepares and puts in the fillings…) put pressure on my gums. She said that it’s normal, my gums were just angry. She suggested warm salt water for the next few days.

These sessions just keep getting worse.

I know. I KNOW that if this is the only lasting effect I have from chemo that I’m lucky but it sucks so much. It hurts, it’s inconvenient and it’s expensive. These four fillings cost over $900. That’s ridiculous.

Sure, the feeling came back to my toes. Yes, my hair grew back. I’m grateful for all of that.

And do I have to say that I’m glad to be alive? Duh.

But can the dry mouth go away now? Can I not have to have any more fillings for the foreseeable future?

Please?