Playing Favorites

My mom has never really seemed to have a favorite child. We’ve all known, my brothers and I, that our mother loves us with everything she has.

My girls have never been jealous of each other. I’d like to think that’s because I’ve never played favorites.

This past Mother’s Day was lovely. Tom made me breakfast, Olivia made couple of things at school and wrote the most delightful card.

Alyssa got me a car freshener and put it on top of a note wishing me a happy mother’s day and telling me she loves me. She signed it, “Your favorite.”

Later in the day, Olivia was at the table and she asked me if I’d seen Alyssa’s card.

I acknowledged that I had seen it, that Lyss had left me the nice smelling tree now hanging in my car.

Olivia read the note and laughed at the ‘Your Favorite’ signature.

She sat and pondered for a moment and then said, quite seriously, “I think that if you did have a favorite, it would be me.”

I hope they both always think they’re my favorite. If they think that, I’m doing my job well and for a woman who has constant doubts as to her ability to mother at all, that’s saying a lot.

Lulled (alternate title: False Complacency)

I feel like we’re in the quiet before the storm.

Things are calm right now. We’re muddling through the summer and doing our best.

I still get frustrated with Olivia on a daily basis. I fuss at her over the water all of the bathroom floor (she washes her hands and then shakes them all over the floor. It drives me insane.) as well as her over-use of toilet paper. One day a few weeks ago, she went to get Alyssa to help her unplug an upstairs toilet. O had basically put an entire roll (sans the actual cardboard roll) in the toilet and then tried to flush. Sigh.

But really, those are just annoyances. Her moods have settled. *Knock on wood*

Alyssa’s in band camp, so we’re watching each other closely since we’re all around people more and more these days.

Alyssa and I attended her prom. She was beautiful. It was fine. I worked with other mothers (there were some dads in attendance but they didn’t really work so much as they stood around watching the moms work…seriously.) We served the kids their dinners, we made sure their drinks were full. We wore masks most of the time but there were times when we didn’t. So…

I’ve filled out the survey put out by the school asking what type of school we’re looking for this coming year.

Alyssa insists she is going to school. She does NOT want to do online learning. I don’t blame her. It’s her senior year.

Olivia needs to be back in school. But I also need to manage her and Tom’s anxiety over her being in school.

The survey asked if we wanted in-school learning, online learning or a blended version. I checked blended. Alyssa balked at that. She said that there was not blended option.

But wait, there was! I told her that the survey wasn’t locking us into anything. I reminded her that everything is negotiable. We’ll figure it out. If Lyss goes to school five days a week and Liv goes three that would be perfect.

Olivia will not be riding the bus this year. Since Lyss drives, Olivia can ride with her. There is no need to put her on the cesspool that is the school bus. That’s on less area of anxiety we’ll have to manage.

Olivia is perfectly willing to wear a mask to school each day. She’d love it if they could just eat lunch in their classrooms. She said she’ll actually eat if that’s an option. She’s even said she’ll speak louder from behind her mask so everyone can hear and understand her.

Her classroom is already small. I think there are a total of nine kids in the class where she receives individual instruction. It should be fairly easy for those nine kids to social distance.

I don’t know. I want what’s best for all of us. Just like every other parent out there facing these decisions.

Obviously my girls’ physical health is important but their mental health is important too. Their social health, while not quite as important as their physical and mental health, is still something we need to take into account. They need more than just to be wrapped in protective layers and kept at home. I wish we could do just that but it’s not healthy for any of us, not in the long run.

Home School

Over the holiday weekend, I found out that one of my cousins, a lovely young woman with two beautiful daughters, will be homeschooling her girls this fall. She’d already made the decision years ago not to send her older daughter to public school. S had gone to a private Catholic school since kindergarten. I believe she’d be going into fourth grade this coming fall.

E (the cousin) told her mom that she just wasn’t comfortable sending either one of her daughters back to school. Her younger daughter, A, will be five in December, so she’d have been home another year anyway. But she’s ready to learn. So E’s going to devote her days to educating her girls.

Good for her.

Seriously.

She’s already a stay-at-home mom so this won’t be a hardship on their family. It will be fine.

I also found out that my oldest step-son’s wife (does that make her my step-daughter-in-law?) will be homeschooling their three children as well.

Tom visited with J the week before holiday weekend and J told him they’d gone back to church a couple of times after the initial quarantine but the sight of everyone hugging and shaking hands made J choose not to go back and now they’ll be keeping their kids out of school too.

Again, good for them. I hope it works for them and they get a lot out of it.

After Tom told me all this, I gave it a moment of thought and declared, “All I know for sure is that homeschool is NOT a good option for our family.”

He laughed and agreed. Then he said, “Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea for a lot of kids who are going to be homeschooled in the near future.”

I didn’t touch that one. I may be married to the ringmaster, but that is NOT my circus and so I don’t get to judge the monkeys.

What I do know is that my little weirdos would have been even weirder if I hadn’t sent them school where they’ve been socialized into semi-functioning human beings over the past decade or so.

Okay, so the big one has come a long way. I mean, she works with the public, she is in a long-standing relationship, she has lots of friends, she performs in musicals and takes solos, both vocal and flute, to contest each year. She runs track and is the section lead of the woodwinds in her high school band. She tries out for soloes in her choir. She takes voice lessons to which she drives herself, pays the lady herself and practices without nagging.

But let me tell you, she would not be this outgoing and vivacious if she’d been stuck me day in and day out during her more formative years. No. She’d still be stuck to my side, letting me speak for her (and yes, that is one of my biggest flaws, I answer for my kids rather than let the silence get awkward.)

Honestly, she still gets squirmy if you suggest she go through a drive thru as the actual driver and have to speak, OUT LOUD, into the intercom and order something. She doesn’t like to order her own food when out and about. She wouldn’t call Walmart and ask if they have a specific phone in stock when her phone was dying. So, yes, she’s still weird (adorably weird but still) and while I love every weird cell in her body, I know school has been SO good for her.

And don’t even get me started on the little one. I mean, damn, can you even imagine that one without the last eight years of formal schooling? Yikes. And honestly, I can see regression setting in now that she’s been out of school for sixteen (16!) weeks. I feel for her new teacher this fall. Not only will she be getting to know Olivia for the first time, she’ll be getting to know an Olivia who has been out of school for almost 22 weeks. I better get that woman a few gift cards just to mellow out the start of the year.

All this to say, yeah. Good for all you homeschooling moms. I’ll be over here investing in masks and hand sanitizer and sending my darlings back into the cesspool that is the public school system.

In our case, the fear of germs is trumped by the benefits of socialization. I realize not everyone has the same priorities and that doesn’t make any of us are wrong (except 45, the creepy-ass dude whose name is the present tense of one the verb in the first sentence in this paragraph. Yes, he’s wrong ALL THE TIME. No matter the subject, he is wrong.)

Hey Jealousy!!

Our local school held the graduation ceremony on the Sunday before Memorial Day. Which is nice for those with graduates, it gives a day to recover from festivities. Others who might want to travel for the weekend probably aren’t so excited about this.

Anyway!! This isn’t about the school administration and their scheduling issues.

Alyssa wears T-shirts and hoodies. She’s not really a ‘dressy’ kind of gal.

Alas, she is in the band and choir, so she’s required to dress up on occasion. She often stands in her room wringing her hands in despair, lamenting her lack of dressy clothes. Which amuses me to no end because I try and try to get her to even LOOK at dressy clothes while we’re out and about but she refuses, saying everything looks stupid or just not her style.

Which, yes, of course dressy clothes aren’t your style, my dearest love. We all get that. But when you NEED them, it doesn’t matter that they aren’t your style, you still have to wear them.

Ahem.

Where was I?

Yes, the Saturday before Memorial Day. Which, if you’re keeping track is the day before graduation, my mom and I took A and O to Fort Wayne with the intention of looking at Kohl’s for a dress for Lyss to wear to graduation THE NEXT DAY.

Yes, nothing like waiting until the last minute. Sigh.

As is our norm, we decided to go to lunch before hitting the stores. We tried to go to Steak ‘n Shake in Fort Wayne but found that the north location (on Coldwater Road for those who want to know) has closed. Huh. Who knew? Well, now WE know, which is guess is what matters.

My mom suggested we just go to the mall. The girls very enthusiastically agreed with that suggestion. They love Sbarro’s pizza.

After lunch we headed to JC Penney’s because, well, it was right there.

We came across racks and racks of dresses priced at 40% off.

We picked five dresses and headed to the dressing room. My mom and I waited outside the stall while Liv went in with Lyss to serve as her zipping girl. It was sweet.

Alyssa ended up with three dresses, one purchased by me, one by my mom and the last one, Alyssa bought herself because she happened to have a bunch of cash on hand. Smart girl.

As we headed out of town, my mom commented, “It’s so sweet that Livie showed no signs of jealousy while Lyssie was trying on those dresses.”

I shrugged. Neither of my girls seem to be jealous of the other.

Olivia knows that even if she’s not getting a dress this week and Lyss is, it might be Liv’s turn next week (or you, know some other time.)

Now, don’t think I’m sitting here tooting my horn as an awesome parent who has fostered good will within her children.

Ha! We all know that none of this is my doing. I can’t take credit for their awesomeness. I mean, I’ve love to, of course. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve loved them both so thoroughly and so evenly that they KNOW there is no reason to feel jealous of the other. But…yeah. No. I don’t get that credit.

My girls are just good kids. They don’t feel any need to compete with each other because they actually like each other and enjoying seeing the other succeed and/or get nice things every so often.

We share the love and they both know that in the end, it will all even out.

Remember when I worried incessantly that Alyssa would be jealous of Olivia’s need for therapies and extra attention? Yeah, apparently, I was stupid for worrying.

I’m a lucky, lucky mom.

A Junior and a Sixth Grader

As of Thursday, May 23rd at 1:30, I am the parent of a junior in high school and a sixth grader.

That’s pretty awesome.

I got to see Amy’s granddaughter for the first time last weekend. She’ll be six months old on the 27th (she shares Olivia’s birthday.) She’s beautiful. She looks like her Mimi. Amy chose that as her grandma name when her ex-husband’s oldest daughter had kids and Amy was very active with them. I love it.

She’d have LOVED this baby. She was so sweet, so good-natured. Amy’s daughter and son-in-law are very lucky.

I got to hold that baby and it was awesome.

But..I love the stage my kids are now. I didn’t enjoy the baby stage as much as a lot of people do.

Babies are so much work. Sure, they’re adorable but they also need to be fed and cleaned and carried and put to bed and…and…and the list is never ending with their needs.

People who want to have babies because they want someone to love them are insane. Babies don’t love you. Babies need you.

Teenagers are so much better than babies. They might be sassy but at least they can feed themselves and take care of their own bathroom needs. They can dress themselves and make their needs knowing by using their words.

I love teenagers and preteens. Olivia won’t be a teenager for another six months and that’s cool too. She’s a little needier than your typical twelve year old but hey, she can speak, she can walk, she can (sometimes) feed herself. So yeah, I’ll take these two over all the beautiful babies in the world.

Sophomore year was good to Alyssa. She received the Outstanding Musicianship award from her choir teacher for the year. She got 5th place at the BBC (Buckeye Border Conference) in high jump. She participated in the school play. She went to several honors choirs/bands. She went on a lot of dates with Naomi and hung out with other friends too. I think she had a fun year. She started driving this year and will probably get a job this summer. That ought to be fun.

Fifth grade was…challenging at times but overall, I think it was a good year for Olivia. She is learning fractions (sort of) and has started to understand multiplication. It helps when I count by fives when we’re working on things like five times six and so on. Her reading is amazing and her creativity for making up stories and writing them down knows no bounds.

She loved the phases of the moon section of science and I currently know more about symbiotic relationships than I ever wanted to know.

We’re ready for summer, for a break. We’re ready to slow down even though that might not actually happen for all of us (I’m looking at you, Miss Lyssie Lou Who and that job you’re going to get.)

A Good Kid

A Good Kid

As I was hugging Lyss goodbye this morning before heading to work, she asked, “Do you want me to stop Dad from helping Livie with her homework tonight?”

I replied, “No, I don’t think he’ll try and help ever again. But thanks.”

She smiled and went back to brushing her teeth.

She’s a good one, that girl.

Our homework saga from the night before isn’t worth rehashing. I will just say that everyone learned their lesson. Some lessons were more painful than others but everyone learned.

As I started down the stairs, she called to me. “I’ll just keep an eye on them, play referee if I have to.”

I laughed and headed to work, confident that there would be one level head in the house until I got home.

Once a Smartass...

In the car last Saturday afternoon, Olivia was on a roll of pushing Alyssa’s buttons.

I mean, of course she was. A little sister’s most amazing talent is knowing exactly how to irritate her big sister.

Olivia was singing one of the songs from the school program she performed in on Friday. Not that she sang during the actual performance. OMG, no! That would never, EVER happen.

But boy did she sing on Saturday. She was having a blast; mostly because it was driving her sister crazy.

Alyssa finally lamented, “Please stop singing that song! It’s making me crazy.”

Olivia paused singing just long enough to suggest, “Maybe it will be your funeral song.”

Off the Grid

It's been a while. I didn't mean to disappear but apparently, I don't recover from surgery very well.

So, to recap the past couple of weeks.

I got the cancer diagnosis on August 21. That was a Monday. I met with a surgeon on Thursday, August 24. He sent me for an x-ray and blood work that very day and scheduled an MRI for the following Wednesday, August 30. I met with the surgeon the day after the MRI. He told me that the MRI came back with good news, there was no sign of cancer in my lymph nodes. At that appointment, he also told me he had an opening for surgery the next Tuesday, which would be September 5.

I said, "Let's do it."

And so we did. Tom and I got to the hospital at 10am on Tuesday, September 5. Surgery was scheduled to start at 2pm but the surgeon wanted the surgery to be wire guided, so we got there early so they could insert a wire into the tumor so the doctor wouldn't have to cut more than necessary. The wire was inserted using an ultrasound for guidance. The radiologist who inserted the wire had a hard time finding the tumor. I told him it was pretty deep and he'd have to push harder on the ultrasound wand. They got the wire inserted and then I had to have some dye injected that would make it way to my lymph nodes. Even though the MRI showed no signs of cancer there, the surgeon planned to take out a couple of them for testing.

At about 1:00 my mom showed up to wait with Tom and relieve him so he could go home and wait with the girls when they got off the bus. At some point, my pre-op nurse gave me a Xanax, so I was quite relaxed before surgery. I dozed while waiting to be taken back to surgery. I remember being moved from the pre-op room to the operating room but once I was on the operating table, I remember nothing until I was back in the recovery room.

I evidently also take quite a while to wake up from anesthesia. It makes me very nauseas and so the post-op nurse kept pumping me full of anti-nausea medicine, which also made me groggy. The surgery only took about an hour and a half but I wasn't ready to go home until about 7:30 and even then, I was still a little sick to my stomach and VERY groggy. I slept the entire drive home and vaguely remember Tom and my mom helping me up the stairs to our house. I collapsed in the recliner and do not remember Tom helping me move to the couch to sleep that night. I do remember him giving me the first of the prescription pain pills. Yeah, more on those vile things later.

The next morning I felt better. In pain, but better. I woke up in time to hear Alyssa yelling at Olivia at the kitchen table, where O was being a brat about her hair. I felt good enough to go in and braid her hair for her, which made her happy and made her sister seethe. Alyssa is all about helping and making my life easier. Olivia...is not so much all about that.

My doctor called on Thursday after the surgery to tell me that pathology came back and they got all the cancer. It was contained to the one tumor (Pete) and my lymph nodes were clear. So yes, all good news. He asked me how I was feeling and I reported that I was doing okay.

I saw him for my post-op appointment last Thursday, September 14. After waiting with Tom in the exam room for an hour and fifteen minutes (much to Tom's disgust) the doctor finally arrived. He noticed that I moved slowly from the chair to the exam table. When he first looked at the site of my incision, he flinched a little and said, "Wow, I didn't expect that much bruising. Were you this bruised when we talked last week?"

I shrugged and said, "Well, yeah."

He asked Tom, "Is she always this stoic?"

I joked, "Eh, he probably thinks I'm pretty whiny."

Tom replied, "Not about this, I don't."

The doctor declared that I am much more bruised and swollen than he'd anticipated and decided I need to be off work another two weeks to recover. I appreciate this because I still tire VERY easily and I admit to still being in some pain.

But in the long run, I've been very lucky. The worst news I've had yet is the initial cancer diagnosis. The good news is that we caught it early, it's contained to the one tumor and hasn't spread. It is stage one.

I meet with an oncologist next Tuesday to discuss further treatment.

Today, I had a meeting with Liv's teachers, which means I've been able to think about something other than my own health/pain/recovery. That's always good, even if it is about how to motivate a child who doesn't feel that learning for it's own sake is motivation enough. But that's a post for another day. Tomorrow, maybe?

Cranky Pants

Guess what? I was not the one wearing the cranky pants this past weekend. I know! Big surprise, right?

In fact, one of my aunts (I have A LOT of aunts) told me I am one of the most positive people she’s ever know. Yeah, put that in your cranky pipe and smoke it.

No, the cranky pants this weekend were worn by one Miss Lyss. She was tired. She was overwhelmed by school and marching band and life in general. She missed our house and didn’t want to wait while her sister swam what was probably her last swim of the season. Oh, and she was hungry (Lyss, not her sister, who just wanted to swim.)

Let’s back up just a little. See, on Friday evening, Lyss’s school had its first football game. Alyssa plays the flute in the marching band so she had to be back at the school at 5:30 that afternoon. Thankfully, Tom made her eat something before I got home because I got home at 5:00, had time to pee (hello, it’s what one does when one gets home from work, just saying…) and then I hustled her back out the door at 5:15 to take her to the school. Oh wait, between walking in the door, peeing and then walking back out the door, Alyssa asked if her friend Tessa could come back to our house after the football game. I used the few minutes I had between suggesting the Lyss wear shorts instead of running pants under her band uniform to text Tessa’s mom and see if the overnight plans were okay with her.

The football game started at 7:00 and she didn’t call me to go back to the school to pick her and Tessa up until 10:30. So it was a LONG night for her. I get that.

Then they had to be up by 10:00 because T’s mom was picking her up at 10:30ish. So insert tired emoji here.

After Tessa left, Lyss had to pack some overnight supplies because she, Livie and I were heading to Battle Creek, Michigan with my mom to stay with my aunt (not the one who told me I’m a positive person) and all the other aunties, a few cousins and my grandma.

My aunt L was throwing a “Tea Party” for all of us, but the guest of honor was my cousin’s daughter, Sabella. She needs to visit with all of us more and it was great fun.

Though there were times when Alyssa was bored. I understand that. There was a lot of talk and visiting amongst the adults. The only kids were Alyssa, Olivia, my cousin E’s daughters, who are eight and not-quite-two. And of course, Sabella, who is eleven.

So boredom was to be expected. But it’s something one puts up with to hang with family. Sorry kiddo, family is important.

By Sunday afternoon, though, Lyss was done with tea parties and visiting and just wanted to go home. Though isn't she adorable in the hat she made for herself for the tea party?

And home we went…after Olivia gone one last swim in.

I mean, it’s late August. There very well may not be any more chances to swim this season. The local pool has been closed for a couple of weeks. The nights are getting cooler which means the lakes are cooling off. Fall is right around the corner. Bummer for all of us, right?

I do understand, too, that she’s probably stressed about my health too. I am trying to be understanding of her stress, her tiredness, her anxiety, her school work load. I want to be understanding while still holding her to the standards of being a member of our family.

You can put on the cranky pants but you can’t complain about them non-stop. At some point, you just have to come to the realization that they’re itchy and uncomfortable and you need to change into something more soothing.

I promised her that next weekend will be a stay-at-home weekend and that the best part is that it’s a three day weekend for all of us. That helped her a little.

She is a teenager after all.

And for the record, she wasn’t cranky ALL weekend. I have photographic proof. See?

Being the Big Sister

I was thirteen when my youngest brother, M, was born. He was such an awesome baby. Well, except for the colic but hey, I was his big sister, I didn’t really have to deal with his screaming self most evenings. And the colic ‘only’ lasted a few months. My mom probably remembers that part of his infancy more than I do. She was poor working woman who had to come home each day to a screaming infant.

As M got older, I helped out with him a lot more. I was a teenager and he was a toddler and it was just how things worked in our house.

It should probably be mentioned that my dad is not M’s dad. My parents divorced when I was eleven. J was seven and, obviously, M wasn’t here yet.

My dad moved in with his brother, who lived three houses away from where we lived with our mom. We saw my dad several times a week and he took us out to lunch every Sunday. Yeah, my mom really got a break then, didn’t she? Yikes!

Anyway, when M was about two, he often wanted to go with me and J when we went with my dad. One afternoon, he was particularly insistent. He really wanted to go. My dad didn’t mind if we took him along, but I was resistant. See, I knew that if we took him, he’d be my responsibility. My dad is…kind but he’s not all that great with little kids.

My dad took me aside and said gently, “I know you don’t want the work of taking care of him but it means so much more to him to go with us than it does to you to not have him go.”

He was right. We took M with us. It was fine.

Yesterday we were at my mom’s dropping off a card and some small gifts for my step-dad for what Alyssa dubbed, “Grand Pawp” day and my mom invited Lyss and Liv to go with her to her mom’s today.

They said yes because my grandma lives with my aunt who lives on a lake so they’d get to swim and play at the park and it would be fun for all.

Except, the more Lyss thought about it, the more she realized that if it was just her and Liv and Gram, a lot of the care for Liv would fall to Lyss because that’s how it works. Livie clings to Lyssie if I’m not around for her to cling to. And while they know my grandma and my aunt and cousin well, Livie gets ‘weird’ and shy and clingy and Alyssa was dreading that.

Lyss hemmed and hawed about it most of the evening last night. Livie declared that she didn’t care if they went with Gram or stayed home but she was doing whatever Lyssie was doing. Which just make Alyssa feel that much more put upon.

Finally, I pulled her aside and explained, “You already told Gram you’d go. You can have Gram ask A for the wifi password (that was one of her excuses for not going, not knowing my aunt’s wifi password.) You can take your sketch pad and some paper for Liv. You don’t have to swim the entire day (another excuse was that we’d gone swimming that very day and she didn’t feel like swimming the next day.) Pawn Livie off on Gram every so often. It’s just one day, a few hours even. You’ll be riding in the front seat of the car, Liv will be in the backseat, you’ll have a break from her on the drive to Battle Creek and the drive back. Gram knows how Livie is. She wouldn’t have invited you guys if she didn’t want you to go. You should go.”

I wasn’t as eloquent or as thoughtful as my dad had been but she decided I was right and she’d suck it up and spend the day with her Gram and her clingy sister.

Being the big sister is hard sometimes. I get that. I’ve been there and didn’t get a T-shirt for it. But in the end, it meant more to Livie and to my mom for them to go than it did for Lyssie not to go. And I think she got that.