Esteem

What is it about weight and physical appearance that makes us (women) so hard on ourselves? Why does the number on my scale determine whether or not I think I am worthy of being respected by my husband, my co-workers, myself?

It's so stupid to feel this way.

Yet...I know that if I were thinner, in better shape, I'd be way more likely to stand up to my husband more often on issues that I tend to just let go these days because...I'm fat. And because I'm fat, I feel gross.

When I'm thin, I feel like my quirks are cute, or just, silly, or whatever. But those same quirks, when I'm fat? They're just creepy and gross.

It's not just my confidence in my abilities as a wife that suffer when I'm overweight. My confidence at work plummets. I feel slow and stupid and I hate that.

This is all so ridiculous.

If one of my friends were to say these things to me, I'd tell them how wrong it all is. It's so wrong to think that because I'm fat I don't deserve a good, healthy relationship in which both partners give and take equally.

I'd remind my friend that no matter what she weighs, she's still the same person, the same giving, loving person who deserves the same in return.

Why can't I be that kind of friend to myself?

Why does my self-esteem have to be tied into the number on the scale? Or the size of my pants? Why? Where did this come from? How can I stop it?

I don't know. But I'm going to try and figure it out. If nothing else, I need to do so for my daughters, so they can see that they deserve a good partner, a good life, no matter what size they are.

I have to get a grip for myself, for them, heck, even for my husband, who has no idea that I'm even feeling this way. Because I don't talk to him about it, because I'm fat and I fear hearing from him the same thoughts and feelings that flow through my own brain.

So stupid. So wrong.

So true.