Monday, June 5, 2017

When You Let Your Kids Play Outside at 8:30pm

When you go outside to play on a balmy summer evening at 8:30, you’re going to want to go in and wash your feet at 9:20pm.

When you go in to wash your feet, your children will join you because…bathtub with warm water + dirty feet = fun!!!

When you let your children join you as you wash your feet, your ten year old is going to want to turn ‘feet washing’ into a full-on bath.

When your ten year old wants to turn feet-washing into a full-on bath, you’re going to let her because…have you smelled her lately? Whew!

When you let your ten year old turn feet washing into a full-on bath, you’re going to need to wash her hair because, a bath doesn’t count if her hair doesn’t get washed.

If you wash her hair, you’re going to have to rinse her hair.

When you rinse her hair, she’s going to shriek that you’re killing her when you pour water over her head.

When she shrieks that she’s dying, you might laugh so hard you pee your pants.

When you laugh so hard you pee your pants, you’ll be glad you didn’t change into your pajamas after you washed your feet.

When you finally get done attempting (but not succeeding) to drown your ten year old, you let her lay in the empty tub because it’s what she likes to do.

When she’s finally done laying in the empty tub, it’s after 10pm and you’re very tired.

Even though you’re very tired (and it’s a Sunday night, so you have to work the next day) you have to help your now-clean child get into her pajamas.

Once your now-clean child is in her fresh pajamas and neither your child nor her pajamas are stinky, you’re going to notice that her sheets are stinky. Yikes!

When you notice that her sheets are stinky, you decide that they have to be changed because a clean, non-stinky child wearing clean, non-stinky pajamas cannot sleep on stinky sheets.

When you finally put clean, non-stinky sheets on your clean, non-stinky child who is wearing clean, non-stinky pajamas, you are able to put that clean, non-stinky child in bed and tuck her in.

When you tuck her into her clean, non-stinky bed, you notice that it is now 10:30pm. You’re very, VERY tired. You lean in to kiss your clean, non-stinky kid on the head and tell her good night.

When you lean in to kiss her, your clean, non-stinky child leans up to receive your kiss and she head butts you in the nose.

When your clean, non-stinky child head butts you in the nose, you gasp, clasp your hands to your face and leave the room before the expletives can escape from your lips.

When you leave the room, you examine your throbbing nose and are relieved there is no mark from your child’s unintended head butt.

When you’re examined your battered face, you realize it’s now 10:40 and you need to put on your pajamas.

When you put on your pajamas and make your way to your bed, you’ll realize that you only have about six hours before you have to get for work.

When you realize you only have six hours before you have to get up for work, you’ll have a hard time falling asleep because you’ll be anxious about needing to fall asleep.

When you finally fall asleep, you’ll be so tired you’ll dream about oversleeping.

Just…don’t let your kids go outside to play at 8:30 on a work night.

1 comment:

Julie said...

This really made me laugh. I thought you were going to get a bloody nose and bleed all over everyone and have to start completely over.