Anniversaries

All the dates of the past year, the day I got my diagnosis, the day of my surgery, my first chemo, the day I started full-time medical leave, my last chemo, my last radiation, those dates are all rolling around in my head.

Of course they are. They signify when my life drastically changed. And yet, here I am, a year to the day after surgery to remove that 7/10 inch tumor. The surgery that left me free of cancer but with a hematoma that was huge and painful and lead to another surgery five weeks later to remove it.

I’m good.

I’m also changed from who I was a year ago. Who wouldn’t be, right?

I’m so tired of thinking about cancer. I’m so tired of wondering if the heaviness of my left breast is just remnants of surgery and radiation or if it’s something else, something more ominous.

There have been times in the past couple of months where I wish I’d just had a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. If I’d had all of Leftie removed, well, if there’s no breast tissue, there’s no chance for the cancer to come back in that area.

I don’t know.

It’s a weird place to be. I’m healthy…except if I’m not.

Each date that comes and goes is a good one. It means I’m still here, still checking off the days, still doing homework with Liv and going dress shopping with Lyss. I’m still figuring it all out but am grateful that I get to do that. The alternative is unacceptable and yet very much there, on the fringes of my life, reminding me that I’m lucky but I might not always be.