The Big Sister

I’ve worried about Alyssa since before that girl was born. Of course, in the beginning it was typical mom stuff, was I taking good enough care of myself during pregnancy? Would my gestational diabetes affect her?

Once she was born, it just intensified. She couldn’t nurse and so I felt like a failure as a mother. She ended up with thrush, which ruined my life.

I was a bit of a drama queen in those early months.

Then we decided to have another baby. I was so excited to make Alyssa a big sister. I assured her over and over that I had two arms, and so, so much love in my heart. She’d always be my first baby.

When Olivia was born and spent eleven days in the NICU, I felt torn in so many directions, but most especially between my two girls. They both needed me so much and I couldn’t be with them both all the time.

Olivia came home and disrupted the entire household. I felt horrible for poor little Alyssa, who was not quite four years old when her sister was born. She’d had no idea what was coming when we told her she was going to be a big sister but the reality was even worse than I’d imagined. I worried so much that Alyssa’s needs were being pushed aside was we searched for answers to make Olivia comfortable, happy, healthy.

Obviously, Alyssa’s needs were met, she was fed, bathed, clothes and enrolled in school. I still read to her each night and she slept in my bed. But I often worried that she felt left out, ignored. She was always good about playing by herself, even before Olivia was born. It was easy to let her go about her day with little interaction while I dealt with therapies and medicine (O was on Zantac for reflux until she was a year old) and trying to get Olivia to eat as much as possible to get her to gain weight.

These days, Alyssa and I have more time together than we did back then. We really talk to each other. I feel like the past year or so has given us an even better connection than ever before. After Olivia’s asleep, Alyssa and I sit on the couch and either talk, watch television, or just laugh about silly things that went on in our days.

I used to worry about how having a sister with special needs would affect Alyssa. But Alyssa doesn’t see Olivia as having special needs. She thinks we all baby Olivia too much but special needs? Alyssa’s pretty sure that’s not the case.

I love that about her. I love that she looks at her little sister and sees just that. She doesn’t see a syndrome or therapies or someone who is a burden on society. She just sees Olivia, a little sister who knows just which buttons to push to make her big sister crazy.

I think that Lyssie girl is going to be just fine.