Gently

Yesterday morning Olivia asked me if she could take a bath with her big doll that wears makeup. I knew exactly which doll she was talking about. She asked me where we got that doll. I reminded her she’d gotten her at Goodwill. She’d found this doll with the nappy hair on a shelf and fallen in love with her to the point that I couldn’t justify not buying her. She was only $4.

I glanced at the clock as she asked again if she could please take just a quick hot bath with her doll that wears make up. It was 6:15. I needed to be in and out of the shower in the next half hour. But…she wanted that bath and honestly, it meant so much to her.

Baths are a language of love for Olivia. She loved to luxuriate in the warm/almost hot water, leaning back and soaking her entire body. Yes, we have a big tub and it was going to take a bit of time to fill it enough to make it worth her while but…it meant so much to her.

I’m happy to say that I allowed that bath yesterday.

I realize that I need to say yes to the little things a little more often.

I’m not a naturally patient person/mother. I’m sad to admit that because it makes me feel awful but there it is. I’m irritable, I’m easily frustrated and I’m so damned tired all the time.

But I’m trying.

I’m trying to remember that when Olivia finally falls asleep each night (we made it to 7:24 last night, wheee!!!) that Alyssa needs that hour or so next to me on the couch. Even if we’re just watching a show together, not talking much, she needs that contact, that connection.

One of Alyssa’s languages of love is touching. She needs to be touching me, leaning into me, having me rub her back, brush her hair. She also adores gifts but well…as big as our house is, we do have limited space.

So even though I’m done by the time Olivia is finally asleep, I’m not really. I can’t be because I have another sweet girl who needs me just as much as the sleeping child. Her needs may be a little different from the littler girl’s but they’re just as important and need to be met just as patiently, as lovingly, as gently.

I’m trying to learn to love more gently. Gentle loving is another thing that isn’t all that instinctive to me. But I’m getting there.

And I’m being more patient with myself when I fail. Because I do. I fail a lot. But when I do, I apologize, I hug and we move on, loving all over again, more gently, more patiently, more thoroughly for having made the mistake.