I for Independence

So I’ve been to, let’s see…about eight IEP meetings. I sit, I listen to them tell me who Olivia is during the hours that I’m not with her. I nod and agree with a lot of their statements, qualifying comments in areas where I feel they might not be quite right.

I’ve gotten good at playing the concerned mother, the advocate, the one who wants the very best for her child. Obviously, I am a concerned mother, an advocate for my child as she struggles to find her own voice and I definitely want what is best for Olivia.

But at times, these meetings feel like a waste of my time. I feel like I’m pulled in because they have to meet with me. They don’t really want my input, they don’t really care what she can do at home because, well, she won’t do those things at school and they can’t grade/rate her on what she won’t show them.

And I understand their frustration with my child. Hell, I felt it myself last night as she wriggled and turned and poked at me as she fought falling asleep. I know how stubborn she can be. I know she often pauses, seems to be deliberately refusing to do something, defying me or whomever else is in authority at that moment.

But understanding frustration doesn’t mean I think they’re right about Olivia’s deliberation. None of us really knows how her mind works. We don’t know how she processes information or requests. We don’t know if she’s being stubborn or if she’s just thinking really, really hard.

These women are good people. They really do want what I want. We all want Olivia to succeed at school. We want to push her just enough to get her to reach her potential but not so much that she’s overwhelmed and shuts down.

But to them Olivia is a job. I know this and I understand it. I just hope they know and understand that to me, she’s a way of life. She’s my baby, my heart. I worry about her at a near constant level. I worry about today, tomorrow, next year, the next decade. I worry every single time I get in the car that I might die and who will love her as much as I do? Who will rub her back and let her take long, hot baths? Who will listen to her as she tries to get her thoughts out of her head and into the world around her? Who?

I also worry about lunch next year as a kindergartener. I know this sounds so silly but Olivia will not be able to carry a lunch tray. And she might not eat what I pack for her and then she’ll be hungry! I know how silly that is in the grand scheme of things but it’s a worry that’s been nagging at me.

There will be an aide in the kindergarten class next year. But I was told in the meeting yesterday that this aide is not there exclusively for Olivia. This was made very clear by the principal. I get it. O will have help but she won’t have someone who is there just for her.

I worry I coddle her too much too. I mean, so she’s hungry for a couple of days during the beginning of school because she got distracted and didn’t eat as well as she does at home when she has a parent sitting next to her, cajoling her to eat or hell, even feeding her bites of her food until it’s gone. I should step back, out of my own worry and think that this might be a good thing. She might learn from the hunger of the first few days and learn to eat her lunch on her own, without help, without someone looking over her shoulder making sure she’s eating.

This is her chance to be independent, to show us how much she can do without help. I want that independence for her so, so much. I want her to prove us all wrong.

My problem is that I don’t want her to suffer was she’s gaining that independence. I know we all have to learn and grow at our own pace and make our own mistakes and I know this is true even for my girl. But it’s so hard to watch her walk away and know that I can’t make everything easy for her, right for her. I can’t make her mistakes for her and suffer her pain.

She has to do it all herself, because that’s what independence is.

The main goal of her IEP is for Olivia to learn to voice her wants and needs in a clear, audible voice. Isn’t that the goal for everyone? Don’t we all just want our kids to be able to stand up for themselves, make their wants and needs heard?