Gentled

Something has come over me.

One even last week, I don’t even remember which one, they’ve sort of blended in the last few days, I realized as Olivia fell asleep with her head in my lap that I was calm. I was relaxed. We’d been sitting there for over a half hour. She’d tossed and turned and offered up her fingers for scratching and not once had I felt the urge to stand up abruptly, rolling her to the floor and fleeing the room.

She gazed up at me sleepily and smiled a sweet, gentle smile. I brushed her hair off her face and smiled back, a gentle, loving smile, a genuine smile that let her know she could take her time falling asleep if she wanted.

As she drifted off, she opened her eyes a few more times, as if checking on me, making sure I was still there and each time, our gazes caught and we shared a gentleness, a moment of calm, quiet, sweetness.

I wanted that night to be repeated over and over and over again.

In that moment, I was the mother both my girls deserve. I was calm, I was relaxed, I was there, so completely present in that moment with Olivia and later with Alyssa as we settled in for the night.

I’ve prayed for patience over the years. I’ve asked to be gentle, to be calm, to be the mom these girls deserve.

And I have been. For the last few days, I’ve been what they deserve and it makes me feel so fulfilled.

I pray for this gentleness to continue, that I continue to be in the moments with these girls, to be sweet and loving.

I will admit that we still have our moments when Alyssa’s being insane and I’ll call out, quite loudly, “Okay, enough.”

But even those moments don’t feel harried, hassled, stressed. They feel like life and that’s good too.

I feel like I’ve been gentled and I am so grateful for it. I feel like finally, ten years and a half years into this mothering bit, I’ve found my way. Please, please let it continue. Please let it last. Not for me. For them.