Wednesday, October 17, 2018

First Chemo Anniversary

A year ago today, I received my first chemotherapy treatment. I’d had my port for probably three or so weeks. I was nervous. I worried about how sick it was going to make me. I knew my hair was going to fall out and I wondered how long it would take from the first chemo for the first strand to fall out (16 days for anyone wondering.)

In the end, it wasn’t all that bad. Sure, it sucked and I felt awful at times (Thanksgiving dinner was fun last year, as I lay on my mom’s bedroom floor, dozing my way through day three post chemo.) but I obviously came through the other side and here we are, watching the anniversaries come and go.

There will be a lot of “One year ago today” moments in the coming months. I know this is probably boring and I’m sorry but I feel like I need to commemorate these moments, these days, as they come along.

I actually kind of dreaded the end of chemo. Those last twelve weeks aren’t so bad and as long as I was receiving the drugs, I knew no new cancer was growing. The chemo was keeping it at bay. I was told after surgery that I was cancer-free, that chemo and radiation was preventative. But I can’t help but worry that without those treatments, any new cancer might be developing, growing, spreading, killing me slowly until, well, it’s not slow anymore.

I am sure all cancer patients/survivors feel this way. I should probably find some to talk to rather than ramble here.

Every ache, every feeling of fatigue, every ping makes me think it’s back, it’s growing, and I’m dying.

I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like wondering what the next doctor’s appointment is going to bring. I try to just keep living, keep loving, keep parenting my girls and being a wife to Tom. I try to take it day by day because, well, what else can I do? Even if it is back, well, I guess we’d start a new treatment and keep going.

I have a breast MRI this coming Friday. I worry because, well, as I’ve said before, once you’ve heard the worse news, you kind of expect it again. I am praying for the best and preparing myself for the worst.

I got through chemo once, I would get through it again if I had to.

No comments: