Midnight Thoughts/Prayers/Wishes

Sometimes I lie awake at night and worry about how my family, my daughters especially, will deal with my death.

I truly believe that death isn’t the end. But I also acknowledge that if I’m dead, I’m not here, physically with them anymore.

They’d be on their own, the girls and their dad, trying to make it without me.

My sweet Livie. Oh how I don’t want to leave her.

I know Alyssa will miss me but I also know she’ll make it. She’s so strong, so resilient. She’ll be so sad and I don’t want her story to have the words, “I lost my mom when I was…teen years old.”

But Livie, oh it breaks my heart to think of her losing me. I know that sounds really conceited but that child and I…we have the bond that only parents of special needs children can understand.

At the one and only 5p- conference we attended, the moment that sticks out to me the most happened in the New Attendees meeting. We were all sharing a little about ourselves and one dad brought most of us to tears.

He admitted that, though he’s ashamed that he feels this way, he hopes he outlives his son. He is not wishing his son dead but he knows that no one will care for his son the way he and his wife do.

No one will love Livie like I do. Yes, her dad loves her. Her Gram loves her but I am her primary caregiver. I do so much for her and when I die, she’s going to miss that.

I hope to not die for a long, long time. But having fought cancer, I can’t help but think that my time is limited, like, really, truly limited. Will I still be here next year? I hope so. I pray that I am.

A few nights ago, I prayed to God to let me live to see Alyssa graduate from high school. I know if I get to that point I will ask for more time. I want forever with my sweet girls.

I’ve had my mom for 48 years. I want that for my girls. I want them to have me well into their adulthood because I think they deserve that. We all deserve that. I’m a good mom. I want to continue to be a good mom to them.

Sigh.

This is nothing more than any other mom wants for her kids.

I know that. I know that I don’t love my kids more than most moms. I know I’m not any more special than any other parent.

But I still want to be here. I want to continue to watch them grow, to guide them, to care for them.

Please.

Please God, let me stay here, let me mother my girls.

Please.