Falling Apart

Okay. I started meds on Saturday for high blood pressure. Ugh.

I feel like this is the start of my decline.

I know. It’s so stupid. I mean, I fought cancer over the last year. You’d think I would have felt like August 21, 2017 was the start of my decline. That was the day I was diagnosed with cancer. That should be the day I felt like my life and my body was falling apart.

And yet…this feels bigger somehow.

I have to lose weight. I just do.

So do it, right?

Sure, it’s that easy.

Actually, I know it is that easy. I just have to DO IT.

I read the warnings about the medicine I’m going to start taking. It said not to start a low salt diet while on the medication. Okay.

Except, what if I want to try and lower my stupid blood pressure through diet and exercise (Ha! Exercise, hahahaha. But yeah, what if?)

Do I start the medication anyway since that’s what my doctor told me to do? Do I wait, try and change my stupid diet and try to add even a little exercise into my routine and see what my stupid pressure is in a month?

The doctor wants me to have a pressure check after a month of the meds. Do I cheat, not take the medicine, change my diet, exercise and then have the pressure check?

I don’t know if I’m disciplined enough yet to do that. That’s the problem. Heck, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to remember to take a stupid pill on a daily basis. Fine, I probably will. I’m not actually an idiot even if past behavior might say otherwise.

I guess a big part of it all is that I need to grow up. I need to develop the palate of an actual adult instead of an eleven year old who’s been left alone with Mommy’s credit card and sent to the grocery store where she gets a bunch of junk because lettuce and pistachios are gross.

I need to find an exercise that doesn’t feel like work.

I remember as a kid playing outside for hours, hitting a tennis ball against the roof of the house, swinging on the tire swing. I was so strong, so fit. I never felt like I was exercising.

But I know that adults don’t actually get to just play and magically get their exercise. I know this. So…we’ll see. I’ll try. I have to.