Trying to Enjoy the Journey (and Failing)

I’m edging in on six months at my new job.

I find myself wondering how long it took me to adjust to my last job. When did I finally feel like I fit in there, like I was part of the team, just another co-worker and not the ‘new girl’?

No one here treats me like I’m new anymore, so that’s nice.

But I still feel like I don’t know everything I should know about what I’m doing. I still look to one of the other three women in the front office whenever something different comes along.

I hate it. I hate feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing.

This is not to say that I hate my job. That’s so far from the case. I enjoy the work I’m doing, I really like the people with whom I work.

I just don’t like how long it feels like it’s taking for me to feel comfortable here, to feel like I belong, like I’m actually contributing more than I’m taking from those around me.

I don’t know if you know this about me but I don’t like to feel helpless or out of control. I don’t like not knowing something. I’m all about spoilers in everything because I like knowing what’s coming. I’m the one who read the first chapter of a book and then reads the last chapter just so I can know how it ends. I always go back and read the middle of the book too, but only after I’ve read the ending.

Life doesn’t have cheats or spoilers or chapters you can skip ahead and read. You have to live it in a linear fashion and that kind of sucks for someone like me.

I know that life is a journey and not a destination (thank you Aerosmith) but I’ve found I can enjoy the journey just a little more when I know what the destination is.

Whatever. That’s a stupid line of thought anyway.

So how much longer to I have to plod along until I feel like I’m where I belong or at least that I belong where I am?

Deep shit for a Monday, huh?