This Side of Radiation

I’ve had two doctors (not my radiation oncologist) tell me that radiation changes everything.

When I suggested to my family doctor recently that radiation ‘cooked’ the tissues of Leftie, he agreed that essentially, that’s what happened.

So we can’t rely on fingers to feel for problems there anymore.

The ‘cooked’ tissue is denser than the tissue on the right, which hasn’t been cooked. The outer layer of skin is tougher too, as if it’s been permanently tanned.

It’s frustrating because all of this, along with the lymphedema make me feel like there’s always a problem lurking, or, if there IS a problem, I won’t be able to tell because all I can feel is the damaged wrought by the radiation, which is ironic since the radiation was applied in order to save my life.

It’s a vicious cycle.

The solution, for now, is to have a mammogram before it’s actually due. I’m due for one in November.

My doctor ordered one for as soon as I want to schedule it. He agreed that we just can’t trust my fingers or his to feel for any problems that are beyond the radiation damage and the lymphedema.

Which basically means I need to stop poking at myself in the night when I can’t sleep because something hurts or feels swollen or just feels ‘weird.’

My doctor was kind at this last appointment. He reminded me that I’m allowed to feel sad about what I’ve been through. Even though we lost Amy and I am grateful just to still be here, I’ve lost something too and I can grieve that without guilt.

Easy for him to say, right? But it was nice to hear.