Post-Cancer Mindset

There was a time, way back in my teens and twenties and maybe even my thirties that I felt like I was invincible. I felt like I was going to live forever and that I’d always be young and healthy and beautiful.

Then I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 46.

Reality and my own mortality smacked me in the face so hard that it knocked me over.

So yes, my cancer was found very early and I was never actually on the verge of death but hearing the words, “You have cancer,” well, it does something to you, emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically. It’s like a slap, it hits you so hard you can barely breathe.

And once you’ve heard those words, at least once I heard them, I can’t stop thinking that every single twinge, every new pain, every ache and cough is the first sign that the cancer is back, this time with a vengeance that won’t be stopped by mere chemo and radiation.

I recently had a pain on my tongue (gross, sorry) and it hurt like a mother-trucker. My first thought was that it was cancer…yeah, of the tongue. My second thought was to worry I’d have to have surgery to remove my tongue. Would I be able to work if I couldn’t speak? Would the removal of my tongue just be the beginning and after a while, the surgeon would have to go back and remove part of my jaw? Would I have to wear one of those weird plastic half-masks to cover my disfigurement?

All this went through my head in an instant.

What the hell, Brain? Seriously?

I mean, the whole pain on my tongue was probably from eating an entire bag of butter mints over the weekend. Once I’d rinsed my mouth with saltwater and then again a few times with the antibacterial mouthwash the orthodontists gave Olivia for the sore in her mouth, guess what? The pain was pretty much gone.

But for those few hours between the pain manifesting itself and my home remedies, my brain went to the dark place, the place where everything is cancer, everything is leading to my untimely death.

I know that everyone who has faced a serious illness feels this way and we all do what we can to get past it so we can at least enjoy the life we’re lucky enough to still be living.

The moral of this story is to not be a glutton and eat so many butter mints in one sitting that it makes one side of your stupid tongue raw. I might be an idiot.