Quiet Moments with Alyssa

I know I've written ad nauseum about how hard it must be for Alyssa to be the big, 'normal' sister of a clingy, physically-special needs child.

Sometimes I will catch her watching Olivia sitting on my lap in the rocking chair, patting my boobs lovingly and I'll see a wistfullness, a longing. And it breaks my heart because I'm not there for her as much as I think she needs, or heck, maybe as much as I need.

On Wednesday night Olivia fell asleep on me during Alyssa's gymnastics class. I held her through the class and through paying for the next four-week sessions. O slept through me putting her in her carseat, through me ordering Alyssa some ice cream at DQ, through the drive to my mom's house.

When we got there, I took the still sleeping O to our room, where she slept through my putting a diaper on her, her pajamas, etc.

And then, I left her there, in bed and went to spend some time with Alyssa, just us.

But my first instinct wasn't to leave Olivia in the bed. It was to carry her sleeping self out to the rocking chair and rock her a little more.

But then it hit me. That kid had been asleep for almost two hours by that point, she was out for the night. She didn't need to be rocked, she needed to be left alone so she could sleep comfortably.

And her sister needed me to go out there and just talk to her. To let her tell me stories, to let her flip and me to marvel at the flips.

And that's what we did. It was so nice.

Last night, Olivia fell asleep at 8:30, rocking with me in the rocking chair. Again, rather than rock her for an hour, I took her to bed after twenty minutes and then spent the next two hours on the floor beside Alyssa, just being.

She's such a silly, sweet girl. She's so rambuncious, so full of ideas and energy.

Her imagination is outrageous. I love it so much. I love her so much.

I think these past two nights have gone a long way toward removing some of that wistfulness. I hope they have. I want to continue to make time for her, to spend quiet moments with just her, reminding her that she's still my baby too, that I adore every single thing about her, even those things that drive me nuts, just because they make her Alyssa, my sweet, smart, funny girl.