Tuesday, May 28, 2019

File Under: Advice I Hope I Never Have to Remind Myself to Take

So back in the day when I was receiving my first four rounds of chemo, my worst days after the chemotherapy treatment were Friday and Saturday immediately following the Tuesday that I received the treatment.

Fridays were awful with the body aches and the general lethargy.

Saturdays were a little better but the, um, intestinal distress kicked in then. Not horrible, nothing uncontrollable but still, distressing.

The routing in our house is that the girls and I buy groceries every Saturday after we’ve gone to lunch so as to not go to the grocery store hungry.

I never missed a Saturday during those nine weeks of receiving A/C chemo (adriamyacin and cyclophosphamide.) Looking back, I know that the reason I insisted on going to the store even on those Saturdays following a chemo treatment was because I didn’t want to admit that chemotherapy was affecting me enough to actually change my routine.

I didn’t want my cancer or the treatment necessary to ever affect my girls.

I know now, though, that it would have been okay to stay home on those Saturdays. The grocery shopping could have happened on Sunday or any other day of the week.

I didn’t have to push myself to be ‘normal.’

My life wasn’t normal at that point. I should have accepted the non-normal issues I faced and rested.

In the end, no one was hurt by my need for normalcy. We got through. Sure, I had to take more than a couple of bathroom breaks in Walmart on those Saturdays but I got through.

But if I could tell my past-self (or anyone else just getting a diagnosis and starting treatment) anything at all, it would be to let go, even just a little, of the need for ‘normal.’ It’s okay to admit that you don’t feel good. It’s okay to admit that chemo is hard. IT IS HARD. And it’s okay to not be able to do the things you did before chemo. Things will get better. They’ll get back to normal. And that normal may look a little different from the old normal but that’s okay too. You’ve been through a lot. Take the time to be kind to yourself. Let your friends and family be kind to you. But also, if it will cause you more stress to not buy those groceries, well then just buy the groceries. Do what you need to do to get through this day and handle tomorrow as it comes.

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