A Little Late but Happy, Merry Everything

Now that my tooth is fixed (almost, I still have to go to the stupid dentist and have them 'finish up' what the ondodontist started) I can think about anything and everything else.

Christmas was good. It was lovely, actually. The only difference this year from the past few years is that we didn’t all gather at my mom’s for the afternoon.

Well, we did, as in, the girls and I went over to her hours for a couple of hours. My youngest brother was there with his dog.

The dog was depressed because Olivia hates him. He doesn’t understand that he’s a huge slobbery beast and she can’t stand the sight of him.

He’s fine, he’s just a big dog (she hates all dogs, not just the big ones but the big ones scare her the most.) and she doesn’t just hate dogs, she hates all animals, unless it’s a fish that can’t get out of its bowl, then she’s fine with it. But don’t introduce her to flippy fish that jump out of their bowls because if you do, fish will be move from the ‘okay, fine, whatever’ list to the ‘nope, no way, no how’ list. But animals with fur/hair that can walk up to her and touch her? No, thank you but no.

So Axe was sad because each time he went near her, she squealed and climbed on top of a chair. After her initial squeal, he’d slink away to lay beside my brother, his very favorite person and peer sadly over at Olivia, who would be scowling at him and asking her Gram why that dog wouldn’t just leave her alone.

The rest of us were glad to be together, even for a little while.

My other brother, the one between me and the youngest in age, was at home with his nuclear family. He and his wife aren’t so much the social distancing types and so my mom asked them kindly to not come over and share germs with her and her geriatric husband.

Tom stayed home because he’s even more germaphobic than ever and even though the girls and I would bring home anything he might have been exposed to had he gone to my mom’s himself, he chose to absent himself.

And it was fine.

We had fun, both at home and at Gram’s.

It was low-key and the older I get the more I like low-key things.

Schooled

Gotta go back, back, back to school again...Ahem, sorry for the little Grease 2 flashback.

We’ve been talking about school for months now, right?

The girls’ last day of school was Friday, March 13. Sure, sure, they did online school until the end of May but please. That hardly counts.

It’s as if they’re currently on week 20 of spring break.

I’ve been waiting for the school to get their ‘reopening plan’ together and posted.

It’s happened. They posted it on July 30th.

The gist is the school will do their best to clean, clean, clean common surfaces. Kids will be encouraged to social distance as much as possible. Masks will be encouraged throughout the day, obviously during lunch masks will be impossible but the school will attempt to keep kids in the same groups at all times.

So…we’ll see.

About five days after the school dropped their reopening plan, Tom asked, “So, when does the online schooling start back up for the girls?”

*aside: He asked me this at 6:48am on a Tuesday (fucking Tuesdays). I’d just put my phone in my purse and was getting ready to walk out the door.*

I paused, put my purse down and went to the kitchen table where I’d laid the letter we’d received the day before addressed to “The Parents of Olivia Ordinary”. It was informing us of a parent/student meeting on August 17 for students transitioning into seventh grade. Alongside this letter were copies of both girls’ immunizations from our family doctor’s office. I am taking those to the school to have the nurse confirm that both girls are up to date on their vaccinations.

Look at me, all on top of shit these days.

I also mentioned the text we’d received the day before informing us of the day and time we were to drop off O’s Chromebook.

At this point, it occurred to him that there was, apparently, not going to be online school this year, that the girls are going to be IN school.

He mused, “Yeah, Olivia probably would do better if she were in school.”

You think?

I blinked at him. Where has he been these last twenty weeks?

I mean, seriously?

Was he not there during the tearful days that I was at home trying to keep her on task, both of us at our wit’s end, slowly losing our minds?

Can he not see the state of her cuticles, as she picks them bloody from the anxiety she’s feeling these days?

She needs the routine of school. She needs to be around her peers, even if through masks. She needs the patience of those teachers who know her, who care about her, who are trained to help her. She needs to be away from the news and the murder and the crime shows that are constantly blaring from the television in our family room day in and day out.

Yeah, she’s going to school. I hope and pray it’s the best decision. Obviously, remaining home and waiting out this virus would be best for all but…that just doesn’t feel possible right now, not for any of us. And it’s a shame that we’re having to choose between our physical health and our mental health.

Sigh…it feels very much like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

Prom (or Not?)

Yes, I Did Skip a “Junior Class Parent” Meeting and I Feel Zero Guilt Over Doing So

I attended at least eight parent meetings over the span of the school year that were geared toward raising money for the junior/senior prom and then planning said prom.

It was miserable. We sold pies, we organized a ‘Family Fun Night’, which included a dinner (I was on the food committee with my kind of moms), kiddie games, a silent auction and a concession stand. We sold more pies, we held 50/50 raffles at every single stupid football and basketball games.

Then we met to talk about how we’d spend the money we’d raised.

Then school closed for the year on March 13 and…everything stalled.

We still got emails from the teacher who was in charge of the prom (she works with the juniors and their parents each year doing this. That poor, poor woman.)

We also got FB updates.

So, prom is now happening on July 18. But there will be no dancing; also no dates. Only students who were juniors or seniors during the 2019-2020 school year are invited. It’s happening at a hotel nearby and there will be dinner and prizes. Formal dress is encouraged but not required.

Yeah, Alyssa thinks is sounds awesome too.

On the Wednesday before the Fourth of July, I got a FB message from Mrs. R, the teacher mentioned above. She attached the agenda for the parent meeting that was being held the very next day, July 2.

The agenda was roughly this:

1. Discuss T-shirt – someone needs to organize this.

2. Discuss prizes – someone needs to organize this.

3. Chaperones – we need as many as possible.

I replied to her message and said, “So sorry, can’t make the meeting. But I can totally be a chaperone if you need me.”

She responded almost immediately with, “We’ll definitely need you, I’ll put you on the list.”

And that’s that.

I was NOT going to be in charge of T-shirts.

I was NOT going to be in charge of prizes.

And you know what? I knew that if I attended that stupid meeting, I would somehow end up in charge of one of those things, either by myself or as a co-organizer.

No thank you.

And guess what?

I feel no guilt whatsoever about any of this. Nope, not even a little. I’ve done more than my share in this whole Junior parent thing. I mean, damn, there were maybe five of us who showed up to every meeting. Two dads were among the regulars. But you know what? There are over 30 kids in this class. That means that 1/6 of us carried the load for the rest.

So I’m done.

I will chaperone because I want to be there.

But I am not organizing another thing for this ‘prom.’

I hope it’s great for the kids but at this point, it feels like a farce anyway so let’s just get through it, get it over with and move on.

Updated: So I casually mentioned to Tom that Alyssa and my mom are going to the mall (in FORT WAYNE) to get Alyssa a dress for this prom. I think he came close to going into shock. He got very busy researching the guidelines for gatherings during this 'unprecedented time'.

He's VERY against either me or Alyssa attending this prom. He thinks it's dangerous and stupid of the school to even consider a gathering like this when they're not even sure how they're going to do school this fall.

I get it. I do. I get his angst and his worry and his fear. But I also am so tired of not living.

I mean, damn it, Alyssa and I both go to work every single week. We deal with people every single day. I go to the grocery store.

If we do these things, why are we so worried about something that actually be fun?

I know Tom's answer. He'll say that work is 'necessary' as are groceries. But gathering with 50+ people in a ballroom at a local hotel for dinner and prizes is NOT.

Yes. True. But maybe...it is necessary? For our mental health, for our well-being?

I will be wearing a mask that night. Alyssa will too. Will others? Maybe not but I can socially distance with the best of them.

Something's got to give, is what I'm saying.

Venturing Out

At this time this was written, I am in the middle of my third week back to work.

How’s it going?

Olivia’s stress level has dropped a little, which is a HUGE relief.

Work is fine. The stress level is fairly low. There are no outside visitors to deal with.

Olivia had an orthodontist appointment, which was non-eventful. The tech who worked on her wore an N-95 mask under a paper mask and all of that was under a face shield. She was well protected as well as protecting Liv. That was nice.

I was able to go into the orthodontist’s office with Olivia. They took our temperature and pointed us in the direction of their wall-mounted hand sanitizer. We were the only two in the waiting room and all the receptionists worse masks.

Back in the room where they do the work, I sat in a chair that was all by itself against a well across from where Liv reclined to have the work done on her teeth. We continued to be the only people in the building other than those who were working there. The orthodontist himself also wore an N-95 mask, a paper mask and a face shield. Everyone also wore gloves.

So…that’s one place in our area that is doing the very best they can to keep us all safe.

Olivia and I both wore masks as well, though, obviously, she had to take hers off during the work on her braces.

We went to Meijer to buy groceries over the weekend. About half the customers work masks. All the workers did.

Our local Walmart has six confirmed cases of Covid-19 among their employees. We’re not going in there any time soon.

Is this our new normal or are we marking time until things get back to the old normal?

Who even knows?

Six Weeks

I'm going back to work on Tuesday.

Yes.

I'm...apprehensive and yet...I think I'm ready.

School is done for the year. Alyssa is officially a senior and Olivia is a seventh grader.

I am no longer 'needed' at home to facilitate school work.

I need to make a living.

I have been home for six weeks.

When I first started this part of the quarantine, I was planning to be home for two weeks.

Then, on the Thursday of my second week, someone at my work tested positive for the virus. That lead to my being home another four weeks.

There have been no more positive cases at work.

I wear my mask whenever I'm in public. I wash my hands and stay six feet away from everyone.

I am not an advocate for opening the states fully as some seem to be but I do understand the need to get back to some semblance of normal.

I have no desire to be around people again, though. Please don't thing that. Good heavens, I haven't suddenly become sociable or anything like that.

No...it's just time.

So away we go.

One Thing

Each night, I go to sleep thinking of everything that I could accomplish the next day.

I'm always so motivated when I'm on the brink of sleep.

Of course when I wake up the next day, and the hours loom before me, well, nothing ever actually gets done.

Oh sure, I wash the dishes every single day. I also put away the clean dishes. I make sure the girls eat at least twelve times a day and I stuff my own face probably twice that much. It's disgusting around here.

I've vacuumed a few times. I do laundry as needed. Heck, I even sweep the kitchen floor.

But I haven't really DONE anything.

But last night, I cleaned one toilet right before bed and I felt like I'd accomplished something.

I kind of figure if I manage to get one thing done each day, even if that one thing is helping Olivia complete that day's school work, I'm keeping my head above water.

I'm not decluttering. I haven't painted any of the rooms in this house. I don't have bags of things ready to be taken to Good Will once this is all over.

No.

I'm treading water and trying not to drown.

And I'm starting to think that's okay.

We don't have to thrive during this time.

We just have to survive.

So yes, I'll end up coming out of this as a chunk and my daughter can be the hunk. I don't think any of us will be a drunk and I'm counting that as a win.

Schooling At Home

I can't say we're homeschooling around here. That's not what's happening. I am not making lesson plans, figuring out how to grade those lessons, finding ways for the girls to learn outside the home, blah blah blah.

I love that homeschool is an option for those who want it.

We don't want it.

We never did.

But again, that's not what we're doing around here.

We're going online each day where Olivia's teacher has posted assignments and we're completing then. Then O's teacher will grade them.

Each week we meet with O's teacher via Zoom. Olivia types message during these meetings because even at home, she won't talk to her teacher. Sigh.

Reading can take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour. It just depends on the day and how attentive Olivia is.

I try hard to keep her on task, which she takes as rushing her. I do not rush her. I just try to keep her focused.

You guys? Her teachers and aides deserve so much more than a stupid box of chocolates each Christmas for putting up with her.

I don't know. Maybe she's more beastly with me because I'm her mom but she can be a nightmare.

And yet, there are days when she's fine.

At least she has a sense of humor about her own quirks. Recently she said, "At least I can't scribble on the Chrome Book."

Indeed.

For posterity, Alyssa's schooling is great. She's self-motivated, attentive and competitive. She does the work as soon as her teachers assign it. She has even lamented that each teacher only assigns work one day a week. I think she'd like to have each teacher assign a little more because she's bored.

She is working out daily, which is obviously more than I can say. She declared one evening this week, "I better come out of this quarantine buff."

Ha.

For what it's worth, the last day any assignments will be posted is Friday, May 15th. The week after that is Right to Read Week and then it's the official last day of school. So we really only have one more week of school left.

That's a relief for all of us. Bring on the Summer of Quarantine. Can you tell I'm kind of over 2020? I do realize that I'm not alone in this sentiment.

Back Story

So the other day, before all my angst of needing just an hour of alone time came along, Olivia and I were leaving the house for a rare trip to the grocery store. We needed AAA batteries for O's book light. She uses it to light the way to the bathroom at night and let me just tell you, AAA batteries are cheaper than Pull Ups.

Yeah.

As we were leaving, I said to Tom, only half joking, "Don't enjoy the quiet too much."

See, he's either alone in the house or alone in his trips to wherever he needs to go.

Ahem, sorry, that's already been lamented.

When O and I got back from the grocery store, Tom was acting odd.

Apparently, my comment got to him.

I said I shouldn't have said anything.

He said he wants to know how I feel.

I said well, I was telling him in that moment and yet...he was upset about how I feel.

Whatever. We're all tense around here. We're tired and yet not getting out enough. We're eating too much and not exercising enough. We're going crazy around here.

Tom tells me I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a little time to myself. But when he says that, it makes me feel awful.

It's all a stupid circle and I cry and he feels bad and everyone's unhappy.

I need to remember that self care is not selfish and if being alone for a little while each day is what I need to not lose my mind and end up sobbing over the dryer at 1:30 on a Friday afternoon, well, then, I need to make time for that.

I will be back to work soon...I hope.

not because I hope to be away from my family but because I want this world to get back to some semblance of normal. I know that the normal we knew back before March 2020 will probably never be regained but some kind of normal is necessary for everyone's sanity.

On-line school assignments only go through next week. They're due May 15. After that, it's Right to Read Week and then...summer break, such as it may be. By the end of next week, I won't be needed at home the way I am now.

I'll head back to work, however that looks and we'll figure out our next new normal.

Let's just hope it with fewer tears than these last couple of weeks have seen.