Friday, February 18, 2011

Left Behind

I worried about Olivia from the start. From her tough time immediately after birth to her eleven days in the NICU. Even after she came home on a heart/breathing monitor, I worried. I watched every move she made, worried about every milestone she didn't reach.

When she was three months old, I was googling 'autism in infancy' because I feared she wasn't making eye contact like she should be. She definitely wasn't move like she should have at that age.

When she was seven months old and STILL not holding her head up, I googled 'cerebral palsy in infancy' to see what the symptoms were. I worried and then I worried some more.

I told people, "She's catch up. She'll be fine."

And I wanted to believe that. But I worried.

When my nephew was born eight days before Olivia turned one year old, I started worrying all over again. This time, I worried about how I would feel and even how Olivia would feel, when Jaxon passed her developmentally. Would I be resentful of this perfectly normal, typical child? Would I feel sad that my daughter wasn't doing what he was doing?

And just over a year later, it happened. Jaxon started walking. And Olivia wasn't anywhere near walking. She'd been crawling for about six months, but walking? No way.

And you know what? It didn't matter. I was thrilled for my brother that his son was so text book normal. I was happy that his child was independent and able to do all the things he was supposed to be doing.

By this point, Olivia had been in physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and developmental therapy for a year. She was making progress. Every one of her therapists agreed that she was catching up. She was going to walk and talk. She was just going to do it on her terms, in her time. And that was okay with me.

A couple of months after Jaxon started walking, Olivia was dropped by her developmental therapist because the therapist said that Olivia didn't need her anymore. "She can do everything I'm doing for her right here at home, just playing with her parents/grandparents/sibling/cousin." That's what the DT wrote in her evaluation at the time.

I agreed with her. Olivia was showing us all that she wasn't going to be left behind. She might follow for a bit, but she was doing what worked for her.

A month after we dropped the DT, we got her diagnosis and the relief I felt when that doctor told me Olivia had 5p-, the sense of "Ahh, so this is what it is. We're doing everything right." It was profound.

It was also a relief that Olivia's condition wasn't something that was going to get worse. She was just going to get stronger and bigger and smarter and more independent.

To watch Olivia and Jaxon together today is so much fun. She's still not as strong as he is, or as coordinated. She can't run as fast or climb nearly as well. But she's right there with him, doing what he does, right behind him, following, watching, learning from this kid.

I am so grateful that she has this little cousin of hers to observe. He shows her things she wouldn't have even considered doing on her own. Yeah, he can get her into a lot of trouble sometimes. But I love that. I love that they have each other.

And amazingly, at four Olivia speaks better than her three year old cousin. I find that remarkable. It's a testament to her determination to be heard and understood and the work we've done with the speech therapies. And sure, Jaxon's gaining on her in the area of speech but so what? He's supposed to.

I want him to be all he can be, just like I want that for Olivia. I would never want to hold him back just to keep her from being left behind.

Our Olivia is going to be just fine, even if she is following her younger cousin into trouble for years to come.

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