Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Mrs. McJudgerson

I would like to think that every parent out there is doing their best. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe that they are doing what they feel is right for their family.

When Alyssa was about almost three years old I attended a baby shower for my cousin Holly. She was enormously pregnant and was counting down the days to her scheduled C-section.

The organizers of the shower asked all the ‘experienced’ moms fill out a little piece of paper with a bit of advice for Holly, just a nugget or two of wisdom to help her through those first hellish days of having a newborn in the house.

My cousin’s wife, the mother of three boys who at the time were five, ten and twelve years old wrote and wrote and wrote some more. She basically wrote a manual on the ‘right’ way to raise your child. She literally wrote page after page of advice for Holly.

Glancing through these pages, I saw that this woman, let’s call her Cindy, had written pretty advice that pretty much went against everything thing I’d done during my first three years as a mother.

Let me point out here that Cindy had served as a babysitter for Alyssa when Alyssa was about two years old. Alyssa went to Cindy’s house daily for about three months. During this time, Alyssa was still drinking milk from a bottle once a day and once at night. Alyssa also had a stuffed dog named Bubby that she took with her everywhere. She adored that dog. He slept with her during every nap and each night.

Cindy’s advice to Holly was to make sure she got her baby off the bottle by ten months old just so the baby wouldn’t be hard to break from it when she was older. “There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a toddler who is two or even three years old carrying around a baby bottle. It’s called a BABY bottle for a reason,” Cindy wrote.

She went on to write, “If your child seems to prefer a particular toy or blanket over others, be sure and put it out of sight several times a day. It’s not healthy for your child to rely on something like that. They’d be better off learning to rely on themselves for comfort rather than a toy or a blanket.”

She continued in this vein page after page. She told Holly that as soon as her child was walking, she shouldn’t carry her anywhere, make her walk, it will teach her to be self-reliant. Don’t talk baby talk to your child, make them use their words.

It breaks my heart that I subjected Alyssa to this woman for even a couple of months back then. Sure, it might have made her more self-reliant but it also went against everything I feel is right for me as a parent.

Neither of my girls took a pacifier so I never had to take it away from them. But honestly, I don’t care when I see a child three or even four years old sucking on one. Big deal! It works for that parent and that child.

I don’t even think that Cindy is a bad mother. She’s just not the same type of mother that I am. And that’s okay. I think we can both be good moms in our own ways.

And as Alyssa and Olivia both get older, they’re both finding their independence, their self-reliance. By the time our kids (mine and Cindy’s) are all grown, who is going to be able to tell how long each one of them had a ‘baby’ bottle versus how often their mother happened to carry them down the stairs even though they could walk?

Judging other moms makes everyone lose. The judge sees everyone else as wrong and everyone else sees the judge as a bitch. See, losers all around.

Why can’t we all just see that everyone is doing their best, trying to get through this parenting thing with our sanity intact? Why does it always have to be a competition?

4 comments:

Lauren said...

Ugh... that was all written in a baby book?! Rude.

I'm with you, Best advice... "This too shall pass." Keep it all in perspective and everything in moderation.

I can't believe someone actually wrote all that. For shame! ;)

L

Julie said...

Is this because I called you yesterday??? Or emailed you 500 times?

Love Lauren's advice!!

Tommie said...

Ha! Julie, no, I'd already written this before the call and I think only after the first 250 emails. I LOVE days where you and M email 500 times.

I love Lauren's advice too. The advice I always give to new moms is: Don't do anything about your relationship to your baby's father in the first year of your child's life. You will probably hate him a few times during that first year but I promise, it will get better and you will probably like him again.

Tiffany said...

I can't believe she wrote all that either!! My advice is always the same...you will want to smother your husband with a pillow at some point...and that is totally normal. ;)