Monday, March 26, 2012

Sharing Responsibilities

When I was growing up, my mom was the parent. Sure, I have a dad. He’s a very nice fellow. But he’s, um, not very assertive, yes. That’s the right way to describe him. No assertive.

My mother was the one who made the decisions, from what we wore, to what we ate and when we went to bed. If there was something for which we needed permission, we went to her. If we wanted to play a sport or in the band, she made the final decision. If punishment needed to be doled out, she doled it. If praise or affection was called for, she provided it.

The home in which my children are being raised is different. Tom is a very active, involved parent. He’s right there during dinner making sure they’re getting what he considers enough fiber and vegetables. He asks Alyssa all the time if she’s done her homework or if she’d done the reading she needs to get done for school.

He takes the girls to the doctor almost as often as I do. He is involved in choosing what time they go to bed and whether or not they are getting enough exercise.

I like this. I do. Please don’t think I don’t realize how lucky I am to have an active parenting partner.

But last week, my mom and I were talking about this very thing and she said, “I’m so glad I didn’t have anyone giving me input on what I might be doing wrong.”

And see, that’s it. There are times when I feel like Tom doesn’t think I do much of this parenting thing well. I know this is my own neuroses talking. I know that he doesn’t actually sit back and think to himself, “Damn, Tommie can’t do anything right.”

No, he doesn’t do that. But he will give me a raised eyebrow if I do something he wouldn’t have done.

And that irritates the shit out of me. I don’t mind input but I do mind feeling as if I’m being censured. I don’t do it to him and I don’t want him to do it to me.

My biggest problem is that over the years I’ve never wanted to make anyone angry. And I see that I need to get over that.

I need to learn to call Tom on those moments when I feel like he’s silently telling me that I’m wrong. I need to step up and be sure of myself.

It’s tough for me. I hate confrontation. I need to get over that.

I don’t want to sound like I’m looking for a fight. I’m not. Nor do I want Tom to step back and take a backseat to parenting in our house. No, all I ask is that he give me the same respect I give him. That is not asking too much. We’re in this together, we’re equals. We’re both good parents even if we sometimes don’t agree on just how to parent in any particular moment. It’s okay to disagree but it’s not okay to disrespect each other, especially in front of the kids.

I want my girls to grow up strong, knowing that their thoughts and opinions are just as important as the next guy’s. I want them to have a sense of self and the knowledge that they can make decisions on their own.

I need to model that behavior for them so they can see what it means to be a strong woman.

I owe it to them if not to myself.

In the end, Tom needs to learn to share responsibilities as much as I do. We're both better when we have the other on our side. I need to remember that and remind him of it more often.

No comments: