Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Three Days

Back in August I decided to start a ‘healthy eating program.’ Yeah, let’s be honest here. I went on a diet. It was a calorie reduction diet. I stopped eating four peppermint patties a day and started eating salads for lunch.

It went well. That first month I lost sixteen pounds. September was easy too. I love another eight pounds that month. The loss slowed in October but I kept at it. I wasn’t tempted to indulge in peppermint patties or any other junk food. My daily salads continued to satisfy me and I was happy.

November and December came and went. I ate a little junk here and there but really did okay. I think I actually lost a couple of pounds each month. I was still eating a salad every day for lunch.

January showed no loss but also no gain. I maintained, I guess you could say. I called it good.

February…oh damn it! I gained a couple of pounds. I hovered around a three or so pound gain from my lowest point back in December/January. I tried to reign it in but I wanted that junk. I wanted Dr. Pepper and Sun Chips and chocolate covered raisins and Kit Kats. I wanted caramel covered eggs and iced honey buns.

This past Monday morning, March 12, the scale showed me a scary number. I was up ten pounds from my lowest point since starting the diet back in August, back when it was easy, when I was in ‘the zone.’

I knew what that meant. I knew that even though I’d lost ‘the zone’ I had to find a way to either get it back or fight my way through this rough patch. If I didn’t, I’d gain back the other twenty-five pounds I’d lost in the past seven or so months.

I don’t want to gain that weight back. I want to lose the ten pounds I’ve packed on in the last month and I’d really like to lose another sixty beyond that.

This is so hard and it frustrates me so much that I can’t get to a point where eating well is a habit, something that I enjoy rather than such a chore. Why do Cadbury caramel eggs have to taste so much better the celery? Why can’t I WANT to be out on the road, running a couple of mile each day instead of dreading figuring out how to fit that kind of exercise into my schedule? I mean, seriously? What is wrong with me?

How about a sick confession? I’ve watched Breaking Dawn part 2 several times since it came out on DVD and each time I am disgusted by the fact that I envy Bella when she is wasting away to the point that her shoulder blades are poking out and you can count the vertebrae in her spine. I envy her toothpick arms and her knobby knees. I want to be thin. I want to be skinny. I know how sick that is but it is what I want.

This entire thing isn’t about being healthy for me. It’s about wanting to be thin.

I’m not proud of myself for feeling this way but I want to be honest here. I try not to make thinness a big deal at home with the girls. I so desperately do not want to pass on my body image obsession to them. I want them to have strong, healthy bodies and a healthy relationship with food.

The past three days have been so hard. Losing weight is hard when you’re not in the zone. When you’re in the zone, you don’t want the junk. It’s not about will power there in the zone, you don’t have to fight cravings and desires for the stuff that’s bad for you.

Back in August I told myself I could do anything for a month. Right now? I'm just trying to get through the next hour, never mind the rest of March. So these last three days? I’ve fought and I’ve struggled and I think I’m on the brink of entering the zone again. My doctor once told me that it takes your body three days to process the junk you put into it and it takes three days off junk to get past the desire for it.

Tomorrow should be better. I hope so. The fact that the scale showed me four pounds lighter today than I was on Monday is a step in the right direction. Any progress helps strengthen the will power. But I don’t want to need will power. I want to be in the zone. I want it to be easy.

Don’t we all, though? But nothing worth having is ever easy. Or so they say.

And anyone out there reading? Please don’t fear that my losing sixty or so pounds is going to put me anywhere near the point dear Bella was in that movie. Oh, good heavens no. Heck, just to be where I was in high school, I’d have to lose seventy pounds from where I am today. And back then I was a size six, so never fear, I am not going to starve myself, no matter how badly I wish I could. I don’t have it in me do be that disciplined. Yes, yes, I do know how sick that is. But again, honesty and all that shit, right?

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

I struggle with this constantly. I wish I had THE answer.