Monday, February 25, 2013

Parenting the Pre-teen

Kids don’t come with a manual that tells you how to take care of them. We all know that. We know that we have to learn as we go.

What I’m learning these days that it’s not easy to parent a pre-teen. Maybe it’s no harder than parenting an infant or a toddler or even a six to eight year old but it’d definitely different and since Alyssa’s my first pre-teen, I’m learning as we go.

She’s totally over me laying out clothes for her, which, fine. Okay. Except I have let her know that I have to approve any outfit she chooses to wear to school. I’ve had to remind her that leggings are not pants. If she’s going to wear leggings, the shirt she wears with them has to cover her butt…entirely. Not just hang down to mid-cheek.

She sighs and stomps back upstairs to see what she can find.

And usually it’s fine in the end. But the attitude of a pre-teen can get tiresome. She’s usually so loving and a pretty happy kid but when she thinks you’re being unfair? Watch out.

I know this is all normal and expected.

I love that she’s growing and changing and learning who she is. Want that for both of my girls.

But the moodiness that is coming with being a pre-teen is exhausting. And her poor little sister has to deal too. The sister who was, just ten minutes ago, chasing you around the room and being silly is suddenly screaming at you to leave her alone, that can be so confusing.

I know, though, that this time is as hard for A as it is for the rest of us. She’s just as confused by her moods as we are. She’s trying to figure out where she fits in this world, in school, at home. In so many ways she’s still a little girl, playing with her horses or dogs and running around after her sister and giggling.

At other times she’s experimenting with make-up (only on the weekends when we’re not going anywhere) and picking her own books at the library, discovering what subjects interest her and why. I’m so happy that she’s a reader, that she enjoys sitting down and getting lost in the pages of a book.

Gymnastics still brings her great joy as she learns to trust her body and gains strength. Having grown three inches in the past six months can make a girl feel gangly if she isn’t comfortable in her own skin. These days, Alyssa is loving having hit the five foot mark.

She’s also noticing commercials and has commented a few times during some of the hair care ads that she wishes her hair looked like the models’ hair. I’m always so worried I might say the wrong thing at times like this. Want her to know how beautiful she is and how amazing I think she is just the way she is. But I also remember wanting shiny, perfect hair too. I’ve told her that anyone’s hair can look that shiny if they have a bunch of stylists doing their hair right before the video is made. Then I point out how great her hair looks right that minute. This is such a hard road to navigate. I want her to take pride in herself, in her strength, her beauty, her intelligence. I hope to derail the comparisons that almost seem inevitable.

Right now boys are still gross and for that I’m exceedingly grateful. But I know it’s coming and I hope she’ll continue to talk to me, to let me help her navigate this strange new world and all the scary, exciting things that are just around the corner.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

anytime that 'pre-teen attitude' gets to you....call your mom, asking at what age you were when you went through those moods. You might get great stories...'Mom's memories"....? I really believe God has a great sense of humor, in that He often gives to parents just the kind of children that parent was as a child...kind of a good laugh for grandparents...and makes for great memory triggers!

Anonymous said...

I can honestly say Pre-teen is hard but Teenager is the worst! I find it to be the hardest phase of parenting!

Heather B said...

As we approach preteen/tween/middle school with our own, we've been trying to equip ourselves. If I can make a recommendation, we've been reading a great new book that we are really excited about, so I just have to share. It's called "MiddleSchool: The Inside Story- What Kids Tell Us, But Don't Tell You," by Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuna. It has interviews and feedback from middle schoolers, parents and teachers (and a little humor) to help us deal with faith, purity, puberty, communication, independence, discipline and accountability, tackling social media, technology, Internet, gaming, and deepening and strengthening positive, loving relationship. It's so rich in valuable help as we face these transitional years with our kids. I think everyone with a middle schooler or who will have a middle schooler will benefit from it. I highly recommend it!