Dream

I had weird dreams last night. I was sad in most of them. I don’t remember much of the details but the emotion was so strong, the sadness, the grief.

One thing I do remember is that my mom told me her baby (her baby was Olivia) was sick and she was going to have problems her entire life. I told my mom that this baby, if she needed to, could live with me when she grew up. She could live with me forever.

I looked at that Olivia in my dreams and my heart ached for her. She was so beautiful and yet doctors were telling us that she was a mistake, she was going to be a burden, she was always going to be dependent on others.

No doctor has ever told us that in real life. We have a wonderful developmental pediatrician who has always told us to let Olivia show us what she can do. She’s reminded us often not to limit Olivia, that she’s going to surprise everyone.

I believe her.

And yet…I worry.

Just this weekend my mom and I talked briefly about the coming year and whether we think O is ready for kindergarten. There are so many factors. Is she ready for the academic aspects of kindergarten? If not, do we hold her back another year and do kinderkids again, letting her get bigger and that much older than her classmates?

Which is more detrimental/beneficial to her? Do we worry about her social growth or her academic growth? We don’t want to set her up for failure by pushing her into kindergarten before she’s ready but we also don’t want to tell her (even without words) that she can’t handle it.

The IEP meeting looms. It’s next Wednesday. I’ll meet with her team of therapists, teachers and the school psychologist to discuss what is best for Olivia.

I know she can do whatever she decides she wants to do but I also know that she can be stubborn. School work isn’t always interesting or fun for her and sometimes, she just shrugs and doesn’t care enough to even try.

That makes me sad and obviously, that sadness is manifesting itself in my dreams.

The future is uncertain for all of us. I know this. Nothing is guaranteed. Not our continued good health, not either girls’ academic future, not even the weather.

I want to do whatever is best for Olivia and I have to trust her team to help me make that decision. But I worry that we’re going to fail her. That feels like an unacceptable risk. She deserves what all kids deserve, the very best chance at being the best she can possibly be.

I’ve said it so many times but I’ll say it again. I just want her to reach her fullest potential, whatever that might be. I want her to show us what she can do. I don’t want to be the one who puts limits on her abilities. Her abilities are so much greater than most people realize, perhaps even Olivia herself.