Thursday, January 28, 2016

So Luck...Really

I’m lucky that she can voice her opinions on everything from what we serve her for breakfast/lunch/dinner to what she’s wearing and how tight her shoes are tied.

I’m lucky that she can manipulate pens and markers to write all over every surface that doesn’t move.

I’m lucky that she can walk around in order to follow me from room to room to room.

I’m lucky.

We’re lucky.

And yet, when my hair is still dripping wet from my shower, I still have to put on make-up and the clock says I have about fifteen minutes before I need to leave for work in order to not be late, it’s very frustrating when Olivia seeks me out to let me know that she can’t possibly wear the outfit she’s got on because, one, it’s not fancy enough and two, it’s itchy.

I fussed at her, annoyed by this distraction from my own morning routine and then took her to her room where we found her a dress that was fancy enough to suit her vanity but soft enough not to scratch her delicate skin.

It’s a constant balancing act; all of it.

How much am I feeding into her sense of independence while not giving in to unreasonable requests?

Am I babying her too much? Does she really need all the help I give her or does she just want it and it’s easier for me to give it to her?

When I get angry or frustrated, is it even reasonable? I mean, she’s a kid. More than that, she’s a kid with special needs.

But then I step back and I know…I KNOW how much Olivia can do. I know how smart and capable she is. I also know that she’s immature so sometimes I just remind myself that while she’s nine years old, emotionally, she’s between six and seven years old.

But how much am I holding her back? How much more can she do if I just stop doing for her?

I’m not looking for answers here. This is just a vent and a reminder to myself that I really am lucky. This girl is a blessing. She’s as much a source of joy and pride as she is of frustration and annoyance.

Oh, that’s right, she’s a kid and like all kids she makes her mother crazy even as she’s makes my heart swell with love.

In the end, I know that I’m doing my best and I truly believe she is too. We’ll continue to stumble and we’ll giggle over the silliness that is life and love and learning.

And it will be okay.

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