50/50

So, project: Sleep in Your Own Bed went...okay. Okay as in, one of the girls actually slept in her bed in her own room last night and the other...did not.

Care to guess which was which?

Okay, so Alyssa did really, really well. I took her to bed at 9:00 last night, she climbed into her bed, I kissed her goodnight, went and changed into my pajamas, brought my book back to her room and sat by the nightlight as she fell asleep.

I know, this is probably indulgent of me. But you know what? I don't apologize for that. She maybe be turning nine is six days but she's spent the last almost nine years sleeping next to me either in the same bed or three feet away. This was a big deal. And again, I don't apologize for the fact that we're a co-sleeping family. It's worked for us. To a point.

Yes, I've bitched and moaned about my own lack of sleep but...we're getting there.

But to expect a child who has had her mother right next to her for nearly a decade to go to sleep in a room all by herself, to me, felt unfair.

So there you have it.

But Olivia? She felt asleep as she always does on my lap, and so I carried her to bed when I took Alyssa up to tuck her in.

O stayed in her bed for about two hours before I heard the quick pitter patter of little feet making their way down the hall. I went up and took her back to her bed and laid with her for about ten minutes then made my way to my own bed.

She made it another hour or so before coming back to my room. This time, I pulled her into bed with me and we went to sleep.

She tried and so did I. I'm calling it a decent effort and giving myself a break. I like having my girls near me. I also know that A is ready to be in her room in her bed. And I'm proud of her for that.

I know too, that O isn't quite as ready. And I'm okay with that.

One step at a time.

But because she was such a big girl last night? Alyssa gets to go to a movie with Gram and Pawp. She's ever so excited.

Thankfully, O doesn't feel like the fact that she's not going is a punishment, because it's not. It's just that Alyssa deserves a little extra special treat for being such a big kid.

I'm learning, after almost nine years, to stop apologizing for the way I parent. If I trust myself, I'm so much better off than when I second guess myself and when I try to do what I think others would do in my place. Those 'others' aren't here, they're not parenting my kids. I am, and I want to be more present, more real. More me, if you will.