Moments of Clarity

The first time I watched Forrest Gump, I found myself wondering which is worse, being just slightly slower than average or being so far from average that you don’t even realize that there is such a thing as average.

I remember that scene at the school where Forrest’s mother is talking to the principal, trying to convince him that five little points isn’t a good reason to keep her son out of school. Forrest was aware that he was ‘slow.’ He said to Jenny at one point, “I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.”

Last weekend it hit me that Olivia is on the Forrest side of this spectrum. She’s just delayed enough to realize she’s delayed. And it breaks my heart even though I’m grateful that she does as well as she does.

At Alyssa’s birthday party all the kids were running from room to room. They were just racing through the house, being silly. Olivia was trailing behind them as the little sibling tends to do when confronted by a group of kids who are all about four years older than she is.

At one point, Olivia was knocked to the ground by one of Alyssa’s party guests. Olivia popped right back up, barely acknowledging the knock to the head she’d taken. She had a large red bump on the right side of her face by her eye and on the left side of her forehead. It was quite a hit she took.

About ten minutes later, I heard the kids storm up the stairs and saw Olivia standing in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs. She was leaning against the wall and looking so very, very lonely.

I went over and picked her up. I sat on the stairs and held her close, wanting to protect her from this, her first taste of being left behind. I asked her if she was okay.

She nodded but didn’t say anything. She wanted to be with the big kids. She wanted to be able to keep up.

It tears me up that at some point, she’s going to feel this way about her own peers, this emotional need to keep up but the physical inability to do so.

I know that I can’t stop that from happening. I only hope that she’ll let me be there to comfort her when it does.

She only stayed on my lap for about ten seconds before she hopped off and ran after the kids, determined to be in the middle of the action.

My girl is tough. She’s tenacious. If anyone can overcome the obstacles that 5p- has put in front of her, Olivia can. All I can do is continue to give her the tools to do just that. It just scares me that those ‘five little points’ are going to hold her back, keep her down and she’ll KNOW she’s being held back and left behind. I can only pray that I can continue to fight for her, find new avenues for her to explore if she’s left behind on the one she chooses first.

I’m rambling and probably not making any sense. I want what all parents want for their kids. I want my girls to be happy. I want them to fit in and make good, lasting friends. I want them to find things to do that they enjoy and they feel like they’re good at. And it pisses me off that 5p- might rob Olivia of any of that.