A Nightmare

Last year at the parent-teacher conference I spent probably forty-five minutes talking to Olivia’s fourth grade teacher, Mrs. K. We didn’t spend that time talking about Olivia, though.

We talked about cancer and treatment and how it affected us and our families.

About ten minutes into the conference, Mrs. K told me she’d fought uterine cancer the year before. It was nice to talk to someone who was farther out from the disease and all it entails than I was.

Alyssa told me last week that Mrs. K’s cancer is back.

It was like a punch in the gut.

Why? Why do our bodies betray us this way? Why can’t we find a way to cure all cancers for all time?

I pray for Mrs. K. I pray for her family. I pray for me and my family.

At one of my more recent doctor appointments, my doctor reminded me that I have a 70% chance of the cancer NOT coming back.

I like those odds.

I have googled triple negative breast cancer more times than I care to count.

Did you know that of the breast cancers cases diagnosed, around 15% of those are triple negative?

So…lemme do a little math…if one in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime, that’s a twelve and a half percent chance of getting breast cancer at all. Fifteen percent of twelve and a half percent is, well, it’s small, is what I’m saying.

So while I like the sound of having a 70% chance of my cancer NOT coming back. I don’t like the thought of having a 30% chance that it could come back.

That 30% is WAY bigger than the original chance of getting at all.

I can only imagine how Mrs. K and her family are feeling right now.

Scared, no, terrified. She’s already been through this once, she knows what she’s facing. Her family knows what she’s facing. And recurrence pushes the survival rate of most cancers of the reproductive system really, REALLY low.

I’m just so sad for them.

And, selfishly, sad for myself and my family. Why?

Well, I feel like every person who fights and beats cancer for good is a check mark in the ‘we can beat this’ column of life.

And every person who suffers a recurrence just proves that we can’t beat this at all.

I know. That’s so unfair. Every single person who is fighting cancer is fighting their own battle. They are not responsible for the rest of us, who are cheering them on from afar. And every person who fights, even if they don’t survive, they win. They give cancer everything they’ve got and they win just because they are human and every person they love, every memory they make, every smile they give and every time they laugh is a win against cancer.

Amy’s granddaughter is a win against cancer.

My freaking hair is a win against cancer.

I will pray for Mrs. K and every other person out there fighting cancer and try hard not to make their fight about me. I have my own battles. I’ve won because I live and I love and I make memories with my husband and daughters and parents and brothers and nephews and friends every single day. If I have to fight again, I will. I pray I don’t have to. I pray every single day but like Mrs. K, I will do everything I can to keep living and loving and laughing.

Will you join me in my prayers for a cure for all cancers? I realize that researchers are doing what they do and funds are need and I’m working on that, but for now, prayers can’t hurt, can they?