Breathing Lessons

It’s so hard to listen to the advice I give to each other and apply it to myself.

One of my friends who is a few months behind me in her treatment for breast cancer messaged me yesterday. She’s at the beginning of the end of her treatment and the realization that she will be on her own going forward is setting in.

She’s anxious, depressed, searching for her new normal.

Through several messages back and forth, I reminded her that the most important thing is to be kind to herself, to remember how far she’s come, how strong she really is and that it’s okay that she’s sad, angry, stressed, annoyed with the world and all the while, grateful to be alive.

I need to remember all this when it comes to my own issues.

I can’t be expected to just settle right back into life after all I’ve been through. Not only have I survived cancer and all the treatments that go along with it, I’ve changed jobs after almost 18 years at my previous employer. I’ve had to start over with vacation, job knowledge, co-workers.

No wonder I’m so fucking tired.

It’s also no wonder that the little things irritate the shit out of me.

I want to be better but I need to take the time to feel all the feelings, to process all the stress that I managed to tamp down while I was going through treatment.

I could have died.

I need to let that sink in and then…let it go.

Breathe in.

I’m alive.

Breathe out.

I’m strong.

Breathe in.

It’s okay to be anxious, to worry, to feel lost.

Breathe out.

I don’t always have to be strong.

Breathe in.

I have so many supporters.

Breathe out.

It’s okay to ask for help.

Breathe in.

I’m alive.

Breathe out.

I’m here.

Breathe in.

I deserve all the kindness I put out to others.

Breathe out.

I am as deserving of love and compassion as anyone else.

Breathe in.

I’m alive and I’m grateful and I’m human, with all the strengths and weaknesses that come with that fact.

just keep breathing.