Thursday, April 11, 2019

At A Loss

I don’t talk much about the miscarriage I had over eighteen years ago. Not anymore.

But it’s still there, in the back of my mind, looming. There are moments when it will occur to me that if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy, I’d probably have a senior in high school. My due date was late September, so I’m guessing that child would have been gone to school at 6 instead of an early 5. Would he have played football or been more like Alyssa and into band and/or drama?

Would he be more like Olivia, a little flighty, not really into rules but mostly sweet and loving?

I also wonder if we’d have had Alyssa if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy? She was born sixteen months after that due date.

So many questions; no answers, not yet at least.

One of my cousins had a miscarriage a few days ago. It’s not my place to say who. She needs to grieve in her own way and figure out her new normal. I do know, though, that this was a much wanted pregnancy. She was so excited to be having a baby. Her parents were thrilled at the prospect of more grandchildren.

She’s so lost right now. She hurts so much.

People who haven’t had a miscarriage don’t know how much it hurts, both physically and emotionally.

It’s often kept a secret and those you do tell will often say, “Well, it’s probably for the best, there was probably something wrong with the baby.”

Why would you say that to a grieving parent?

Because she’s a parent.

I was a parent when I lost that first baby.

My sweet brother actually bought me a mother’s day card the May after my miscarriage. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.

I hope someone (me?) thinks to do that for my cousin. I want her to know that we love her, we love her lost baby. There is no wrong way to grieve. She can mourn as long as she needs and we’ll all be here for her, not matter what.

1 comment:

Julie said...

1. I feel terrible that I didn't purchase a card for you. I don't feel like I was a good friend through all of that...please move here and send Alyssa to IU so she and Riley can be besties and we can live next to each other and get skinny together.